I wanted to do something Special for Emily and Briana's 1st birthday. So I ordered a cake, just like I would have for either of my living girls. It had a Minnie Mouse on it and lots of balloons. I invited friends and family over explaining that it was a birthday party for Emily and Briana. A few told me they would come, some said they didn't feel comfortable coming, that was ok. If they didn't feel comfortable remembering Emily and Briana then I didn't want them here. On January 3rd, 2001 in the morning, I picked up the cake. I had told everyone to be here around 2pm. At 3 when still none had shown, John and I decided to have the party without them. We lit the candle on the cake and let my two living girls, Alicia and Ashley, blow out the candle. After blowing out the candle, we went outside and released balloons. It's really too bad that noone wanted to be here with us, I guess it's like they say when tradegy strikes you find out who your real friends are, it's also too bad you can't pick who your family is. Not one person in either of our families chose to remember the girls with us, however, don't be sad for us, be sad for them. By not remembering the twins they also don't get to cherish the gifts the girls have left with us. Without Emily and Briana, I don't think I would cherish my two living daughters as much. I think before the twins I took the girls for granted. I mean I love them, and always will, but there being here didn't seem all that extrodinary, maybe because even after all the troubles we have had concieving and delivering our girls, they were here and out of danger. The loss of the twins really opened my eyes to what I could and had lost.
With the loss of the twins, John and I have found ourselves again too. We have a new outlook on life and now know what we have to lose. Not that our relationship was bad before, in fact quite the opposite. We have been married 8 wonderful and happy years. We had just fallen into the routine of things. In short, we were boring and somewhat bored with each other. It was the same thing with us day in and day out. After finding out we were having twins, things really seemed to change with us. We were both very excited. We decided to build a house and actually went as far as drawing up the floor plans. The house is temporarily on hold for now, I do still have those plans though.
Back to their 1st birthday, the only person I even heard from after the birthday party, was the woman I call *Mom*. Her name is Sue. She came over to ask how everything had gone. She really wanted to be there, but she had to work and could not get out of it. When she found out that not one person, either friend or family, had shown she was truly upset. She offered me a lot of comfort in the next few days as I went from anger to hurting. She was my shoulder to cry on until I felt ready to let others know how they made us feel. Before the twins birthday I was having a lot of financial trouble, due in part to bad financial choices John and I had made, such as buying this instead of paying that bill, our phone was disconnected and I was without my phone or my computer and therefore without my beloved Honored Babies Support List. Oh how missed all those wonderful woman that day. I would often go to a friends house to borrow her computer to check my mail, but being the type of person I am, I didn't want go to her house too much so as not to over stay my welcome. I hated having to go to her house to use her computer, not to mention she has 3 children, that combined with my 2 made things really hectic. It was hard to do more than just read my posts, I couldn't even write back to let anyone know what I was going through. I did manage to post a couple of times, but they were very short posts and mostly in response to what someone else had written and not about how I was doing or feeling.
Anyway that's how their first birthday went. As you can see I am back online and I have made a few minor life changes, such as, paying bills first, then buying the fun stuff. Everyday is still a struggle dealing with the loss of the girls, however I know with the wonderful women of Honored Babies and with my husband and living children, everything will be just fine here. Working on this website really helps too, so you can expect many more pages in the future. |
