Letters

Dearest Emily and Briana,

     I miss you so much. How I long to hold you just once. To hear you cry, to see you smile. Instead I will forever remember you sleeping. Your daddy and I looked forward to the day you would join us here at home, sadly that day was never to be. If I could go back and change things I would. I would have gladly quit that horrible job to stay home and protect you. I would have found better doctors, if only I had known. I blame myself more than anyone else for you not being here. After all it was my body that betrayed you. I know everyone says I shouldn't blame myself, but that is so hard not to do. The "what ifs" just seem to build up. I've done my best to be strong for you, but sometimes my heart justs bursts and the tears flow. I have tried to help others learn to live with their pain, sometimes even that is too much to bear. I ask myself, "How can I help others when I am barely hanging on myself?" However I am hanging on, for you. One day I hope to see you both again. Until then I carry with my only a partial heart, much like you, Briana, my heart is broken, only my broken heart won't show on an x-ray. You took a part of me with you when you left this earth. I don't know if I will ever find that part of me again. I'm not sure I want to find it. As long as my heart is tattered and torn you are here, close to me. I don't want to forget anything about you.
     I still see your tiny hands and peaceful faces, your golden blonde hair, those tiny toes. I long to rock you to sleep at night, to watch you dream. To have just a little time with you. I want to do all the things we never got to do. If I had one more day with you I would never put either of you down, not for one second. I would hold you and cover you with kisses, however as the song says, if I had one more day with you it would only leave me wishing for yet another day. Adn though my heart breaks knowing I will never see you again, I can cherish the memories I do have of you. Your kicks inside of me, your heartbeats. Though you were only a part of me for six short months you have given me a lifetime of love and memories.
     I am crying as I write this to you, but don't be sad for me, I cry because I can *feel* the love you have left with me. I can feel your tiny hearts connected to mine. I know you are missing me as much as I miss you. One day I will hold you again, and from that day on we will never part. I still have work to do here on earth, your sisters need me to be here for them, so that is what I will try to do. I will continue to work on this site for you as it is my way of reaching out to you, touching you in my own way. If I can't touch you with my hands I will use my heart. I know when I lay my head down to sleep tonight you will be there waiting for me in my dreams. I cherish those dreams. In my dreams I am the mother to you that I should have been in my waking hours.
     Well, I will sign off for now, but I will write here often. I love and miss you very much.

~Mommy~

Dear Emily and Briana,

                Well, it's October 2001. I can hardly believe it has been almost 2 years since you left me. I miss you as much today, if not more than I did then. I have moved on with my life, somewhat. I have not forgotten you. I never will. I will continue to add pages here as it helps me to release my feelings. Not many people come here, and for me that's ok. It makes it easier for me to write from my heart knowing that the whole world won't know what I'm feeling. That doesn't mean I don't want to share you with everyone I meet, because I do, I'm just not as comfortable and out spoken as a lot of people.
                What's going on in my life? Hmmm. Well I just got back from Georgia, while I was there I met a great woman named Paula. We work together on Honored Babies. She is such a sweet person. I don't think she'll ever understand just how much she really means to me. She was my life line after I lost both of you. Without her and the Honored Babies list I'm not sure I would have come this far. I'm also helping out a with another support group online called Our Babies In Memory, my friend Sarah is the list owner of that group. She needed a list moderator for now because she is moving soon and won't have access to a computer for a while. I just sub people there and kind of monitor the list a bit. I've been really busy working with my dental plan business. I hope to see it take off more soon. I want to be able to move us and you to a warmer climate, the winters here are really starting to get to me. I hate being cooped up and the cold really bothers my knees.
                Daddy still goes to work everyday at the same boring place. I quit working at the truck stop, they were just to awful. I thought when I lost you that I had seen them at their worst, I was wrong. When I miscarried this last June they were even worse. Your sisters have started back in public school, for this year anyway. I really miss homeschooling them. They seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. I just don't seem to have the energy right now for all of it, and I figured making a better life for all of us with the dental plan was what I really needed to focus on right now anyway. So, having them in public school gives me more free time to work the business. I guess there is a small silver lining here.
                I think that pretty much has us caught up to date as far as we go. I will be starting birthday pages for you soon. I plan on buying you each a two dozen carnations, your birth flower. One dozen for each year you should have been here with me. I will also be sending you lots and lots of balloons. I had such big plans for both of you, all I can do with those plans now is remember them. My arms ache to hold you now more than ever. I still feel lost and empty without you here. They say the pain gets better, and I guess that's true, it *is* better. Maybe this is as good as it gets, maybe not. Will this hole in my heart ever be filled? I hope one day....
                Well, I better go. Daddy just left for work, it's 6:30am here, and I haven't been to bed yet. I better take a short nap before it's time to go. I have a busy day of appointments to get through. I love you both very much. Kisses to you from me and daddy.

                        ~mommy~

Briana and Emily,

Well it's been over 3 years now! Seems like yesterday some days. I have decided to totally redo your web site. Now that I know how to make things with Paint Shop I decided it was time I made something special just for you, so I redesigned this web space. I'm hoping to have it up and running within the next few weeks. I am linking all of your pages tonight and at least putting and under construction sign on the pages that aren't working yet. I hate that your site has been down for so long, almost 4 months! I didn't realize until now just how much this site has grown. It is currently over 20 pages long, and growing more all the time. I am hoping to get my own domain soon so that I don't have to worry about bandwidth, which really seems to disappear fast when you spend a lot of time updating things. I'm still working with Honored Babies, in fact the book just came out. I haven't read your story yet. It's the first one in the book, but after writing it I just find that it's to emotionally draining to try to read it. I helped to edit it some, boy that was hard! All those sad mommies! Sometimes I wish I was the only one that felt this way, but then again it's kind of nice to have others who understand how I feel. I think I may have finally kicked my smoking habit! Yea! Now if I can just lose the weight I've gained! hehe. I'm working on that. I'm not in that awful state of despair that I seemed to have been in for the first two years after we lost you. Things are happier now. I still miss you all the time, but I can concentrate on other things too.
     Well I better go daddy just got home and I have lots left to do on your site so I can get it open. Sending you both tons of hugs and kisses and all my love!

                  ~mommy~

Emily and Briana,

It's been years since I have written. You would have been 6 already. I can't believe it. A lot has happened since you left. I am going back to school now. Grandpa is paying for me to go to college. I am hoping to have a degree in computer programming in another year. It's been hard work, but I think I like it. I know you would have had Mrs. Watson as your first grade teacher this year if you had lived. You would have loved her. She makes school a lot of fun for the kids. I would have loved to see your faces when the witch trashed the room on Halloween or when the leprechan did it on St. Patricks Day. Valentine's Day just past. I made chocolate covered cookies for your sisters to take to school, how I would have loved to have made them for you to take. Daddy is finally letting me know that he is hurting because you are gone. It has made things a little rough here, but I think we can finally mend our relationship now that he is opening up. I have to keep this letter short because daddy is cooking dinner tonight and it's almost done, but I wanted to let you know that we have not forgotten you, we never will. Please take care of each other. We love you and miss you every day.

     ~mommy~