Phrases of Age

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow
down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing
the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution
is the only thing you care to exercise.

My grandmother's 90, she's dating a man 93.
They never argue, they can't hear each other.

I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people
ask me what I'd most appreciate getting.
I tell them: A paternity suit.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The longer I live, the less future there is to worry about.

I won't admit I'm more than 52,
even if that does make my children illegitimate.

The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns:
The less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

You're getting old when ~
tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

You're getting old when ~
you don't care where your wife goes,
just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when ~
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet ~
if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient ~
I have good news and bad news ~
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

 You like to be in a crowd because they keep you from falling down.

Your knees buckle but your belt won't.

The parts with arthritis are the parts that feel the best.

When your favorite section of the newspaper is ~
"25 Years Ago today."

When a big evening with your friends is ~
sitting around comparing living wills.

When your clothes go into your overnight bag so
you can fill your suitcase with pills.

Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the right or left.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You want to be nostalgic but you can't remember anything.

It takes longer to rest than get tired.

Getting "a little action" means you don't have to take a laxative.

There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

 

"THE SENILITY PRAYER"

 God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
 the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
 and the eyesight to tell the difference.

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts
and had moved back to their old neighborhood
after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered,
and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an
armored car practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,
they took it home.

There, she counted the money-and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell
out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking
home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says,
"We're outta here."

Midi ~ "Pine Top Boogie"
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