Any Day Now
by Ashinae

You get your hopes up. and never quite know why. There's always that little nagging voice in the back of your head, saying, "No! Stop! You're going to get hurt again."

Now, do you listen to this voice? No, because you expect that, just this once, things will unfold the way you want them to.

You can control your own thoughts and actions. But you can never, never, control anyone else. You can only hope, and imagine, and maybe even pray, that they will react as you want them to.

*You're going to get hurt again!*

I sit with him in the small, friendly diner, watching the way his hands move; watching his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. I watch the surprise register in his eyes as our waitress--a young woman with brown hair whose name tag reads "Jo"--openly flirts with him.

I watch him grin at her, watch her smile sweetly, and--just this once--allow myself to be jealous. I am, however, ashamed when I am short with Jo when she asks if I would like more tea.

Ray apologises for me when Jo walks away from our booth. Then he asks if I'm all right.

"Yes, Ray. I'm fine."

The lie hangs in the air between us for a few moments. I can only meet his penetrating green gaze for that long before I have to look away.

*I'm going to get hurt.*

I know this. I know full well that I want the impossible. Do I truly expect too much of people? Or is it simply that I expect the wrong thing of them, try to believe they are or can be something that is entirely unrealistic and unreasonable?

Or are these the same things?

I just never quite know anymore.

We spend several minutes in silence. He watches me eat now, and I can feel his eyes searching my face for some answers. Not yet, Ray.

But any day now.

End