The Longest Knock Knock Joke
by Innusiq

"Knock, knock."


"I said, knock, knock."

"Ray, you are already in, there is no need to knock, unless you want to but that is clearly up to you."

"No, I'm not asking to come in. It's a joke."

"You are joking about coming in?"

"No, I'm not joking about coming in. I'm already here."

"That is what I said. Are you feeling well?"


"You don't have to raise your voice. I am in the same room as you."

<frustrated sigh> "Sorry. What I meant was that it's a joke . . . you know, knock, knock, who's there?"

"Ray, I already know it is you. I can see you."

"Benny, I know you can see me, that's not the point. This has nothing to do with what it sounds like."

"It doesn't?"


<Thoughtful pause> "What is the point, then?"

"The point is that I am trying to tell you a joke and you are not getting it. That is what the point seems to be."

"Do you mean I'm not supposed to get the joke?"

"No, you were supposed to get the joke but it appears you're not."

"Well Ray, in my own defense, it's either that this isn't a very good joke or you are not a very good joke teller."

<hands thrown in the air> "I can't believe this. It's a simple little kid's joke and hey, I happen to be a very good joke teller. You just aren't a very good listener."

"You said, 'Knock, knock.' I heard you quite clearly."

<No verbal response; a good warning stare is given>


"Okay, here's the deal. Can you at least pretend you understand? I'll say, 'Knock, knock.' And then you will respond with, 'Who's there?' Can you at least do that?"

"Alright . . . "

"Okay, knock, knock."

". . . Who's there?"

"I love."

"You love what, Ray?"

<rolls eyes> "Fraser!"

"I'm sorry Ray but am I supposed to know what you love?"

"Yes! No! Maybe! Argh!"

"I'm sorry Ray but you are just not making much sense."

"To a four year-old I am making perfect sense but to a 36 year-old Mountie I'm speaking a foreign language if that is even possible with all the languages you do speak."

"I do understand that English language fluently, Ray for it is the first language I speak."

"I don't believe this."

"What is there not to believe? I assure you the English language is my first language. I am speaking it right now."

"Fraser, I know you speak English. I'm not a total idiot, you know?"

"I never said you were one, Ray; Not even partially."

"Well, at least we understand and agree on that."

"I didn't realize there was a misunderstanding."

"Why is this my life?"

"Because your mother gave birth to you."

"Hey, now you're just being smart and that is very un-Canadian."

"I wasn't being smart . . . although my grade point average . . . "

"Fraser, I don't want to hear about your grade point average."

"You were the one who brought it up."

"I most certainly did not bring it up. All I wanted to do here was tell you a little joke and now we are talking about grade point averages from 18 years ago."

"Well, technically we aren't talking about them."

<voice is now weary> "I know Benny, I know. We are talking about everything but what we are supposed to be talking about."

"The joke?"

"Yes, the joke. Do you want to try this again?"

"Very much so, yes."

"Okay, here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna say, 'Knock, knock.' You are then gonna respond with, 'Who's there?' I am gonna say, 'I love.' You will respond to that with, 'I love who.' And then I will give you the punch line . . . so to speak. You got it?"

"I believe I do."

"Are you ready?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Okay," <deep breath> "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"I love."

"You love who?"

"'I' love who."

"You love who?"

"No, you were supposed to say, 'I love who,' remember?"

"Oh right, of course. My mistake. Sorry, Ray. Let's try it again."

"Okay, knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"I love."

"I love who?"

"I love you."

<uncertain silence>

"Did you hear me? I said, 'I love you.'"

"I . . . ah . . . I heard you Ray but I don't find that to be very funny at all."

"It's not supposed to be funny."

"But you said it was a joke."

"Yeah, it's a knock, knock joke but not all jokes are funny."

"They're not?"


"How so?"

"Well, sometimes they are cute . . . kinda like this one."



"So this was a joke but it wasn't a joke."


"And you love me?"


<Fraser is quiet and then finally responds> "Ah."

<Ray is left looking nervous and uncertain>


"Yes, Benny?"

"Knock, knock"

<wide grin> "Who's there?"

"And I."

"And I, who?"

"And I you."

The end :)