notes/disclaimers
It was raining outside. Hard rain, the kind that hurt when it hit you
and even with an umbrella, you were going to get wet. Ray was still
outside, and he didn't have an umbrella. Ben had tried to get him to
come back inside, but one look from Ray had told him that he wasn't
welcome. Well, that wasn't exactly true. Not unwelcome, but painful.
Yes, he was painful. He understood why, although it hurt to know that
he caused Ray pain, had caused Ray even more pain three years ago.
The rain was fitting, a somber reminder of the incident both in spirit
and in phantom twinges of old wounds.
Victoria. He couldn't say her name. Not for himself, he'd made his
peace with her memory during his hospital stay. To say it he'd have to
apologize, but that would imply that saying her name could still hurt
Ray. Ray had been hurt enough.
They'd never discussed it directly: the pool game, the train, the
shooting. They spoke about it, when necessary, in euphemisms and
innuendoes and most importantly, they never said her name. She
remained a ghost in their joint past.
Morbid thoughts made him stand up and join his best friend and lover
outside. He didn't let the look scare him away this time, praying
that in causing Ray pain he could cauterize the wounds once and for
all.
"I shot you."
It was then that he realized that it wouldn't be that easy. It had
never been settled, Ray's wounds were still bleeding. His pathetic
attempts to regain his pride had caused him to hurt the best friend
he'd ever had over and over again. While he was trying to avoid
thinking about Victoria, Ray had been left to deal with the aftermath
by himself, and he had come to the wrong conclusions.
"I'm glad you did," he said, taking off the stetson and placing it on
Ray's head to give him some protection from the oppressive rain.
He felt the rain on his face now, could feel it on his eyelashes as he
blinked. He felt Ray's stare as well, and the adorable sight of Ray
wearing his stetson almost made him smile at his own territorial
imperative. Ray was his, and the specter of Victoria would no longer
keep him away.
Putting out a hand and trusting his instincts that Ray would follow,
he went inside.
Once inside he headed for the bathroom, where they shared a hot shower
until Ray yawned tiredly. Dressing quietly and quickly he headed for
the bedroom, again knowing that Ray would follow.
They were resting on the bed then, Ray spooned up behind him. One hand
was forming a pillow under his head, the other arm was wrapped around
his waist, hand tucked protectively under his shirt. Rubbing gently,
the hand lulled him to sleep, rising and falling with his own
soothing, regular breaths. As Ray joined him in sleep, the hand
stilled, coming to rest over his heart.
"Mine?"
"Yours."
Def Leppard, "Breathe A Sigh"
Let me down slow and easy
'Cause there ain't nothing I can do
I hope and pray my faith won't leave me
When it comes down to me and you
Try a little tenderness
I die a little
For a long lost sweet caress
You lying next to me
Fulfilled some destiny
I wanna cry
But I breathe a sigh
Just a little bit of letting go
I don't want you to know
I wanna cry
But I breathe a sigh
Overflow of emotion
And a hurt that'll never heal
If you close the door forever
The fate of pain is sealed
I more than long for your affection
I tell you now that that ain't so
Not even gentle persuasion
Is ever gonna let me go