Our next Batman story is "The Joker's Day Off/Turn Your Head and Cough," a two-part story with a very sophisticated plot: Committing crimes based on holidays.

Chapter One

It was yet another warm summer evening in Gotham City, where millions of Gothamites had returned to home and hearth to bond with their families. But what was that jesting fool, the Joker, up to in the wine room of the Casablanca Country Club? Stealing all the rare, vintage wine to start off his latest plot?! As Joker was loading the wine into his special Joker-cart, the nighttime security guard at the country club flipped on the lights. Joker spun around to face him.

"What are you doing?" the guard demanded.

"I'm stealing your rare, vintage wine, you fool," Joker said. "Remember? The wine you were supposed to guard!"

"No, you can't steal our wine!" the security guard exclaimed. "Anything but that! Take the millions of dollars stored in the safe, take our solid gold coins but don't take the wine!"

"Okay, I'll take the other stuff," Joker agreed.

The guard smiled, thinking compromise always worked.

"But I'm taking the wine, too."

So much for compromise.

The next morning in Commissioner Gordon's office, the Commissioner received a very strange phone call. "What? What?! You don't say! You don't say!! You don't say!!!" He hung up the phone in disgust.

"Who was it, Commissioner?" Chief O'Hara asked.

"He didn't say," Commissioner Gordon replied. "All I heard was some heavy breathing."

"Probably my wife," Chief O'Hara reasoned.

Commissioner Gordon's phone rang again. He picked it up. "Commissioner Gordon's office... What? All the rare, vintage wine from the Casablanca Country Club stolen?! And you suspect the Joker?!! I'll get the Caped Crusaders on it right away." He put the phone back on the hook and turned to Chief O'Hara. "The worst has come to pass, O'Hara."

"Bill Clinton has been elected president?!" Chief O'Hara guessed.

"No, worse; the Joker, that diabolical devil has returned to plague our fair city. All our hopes for his reform were stolen when he stole that wine last night." Chief O'Hara went over to a separate desk across the room, which displayed the Batphone. He removed the glass container which covered the sacred phone.

Commissioner Gordon followed Chief O'Hara over to the Batphone. Chief O'Hara handed him the Batphone. "It's good to have you around, O'Hara. After all these years, we've come to anticipate each other's moves."

"Anyone could anticipate your moves at a time like this," Chief O'Hara replied. "It's Batman we need, and fast!"

"Bigora!" Commissioner Gordon added in a phony Irish accent.

Chief O'Hara gave him a nasty look.

Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor, ancestral home of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, true identities of Batman and Robin, an examination was taking place.

"Doctor, we called you here to see if you could tell us why Aunt Harriet always faints," Bruce explained to the doctor. "It's been such a problem we've had to buy stock in smelling salts."

"From what you've told me, it would appear that Mrs. Cooper has a Compulsive Fainting Disorder," the doctor observed. "You two should not subject this poor lady to anything surprising or disturbing."

"Then I guess telling her that Bruce and I are really Batman and Robin is out of the question," Dick replied.

Hearing that, Aunt Harriet fainted.

"That's exactly what I mean!" the doctor said. "It's your sick sense of humor that probably gave her this Compulsive Fainting Disorder in the first place."

"It was just a joke," Dick remarked.

In the meantime, Bruce had revived Aunt Harriet using smelling salts.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Harriet," Dick apologized. "I was just joking."

"Well... I forgive you, Dick," Aunt Harriet replied. "Just don't let it happen again!"

Alfred entered with important news. "Sir, it's the Batphone."

Aunt Harriet fainted again and the doctor joined her, unconscious, on the floor.

"Alfred, use the newly perfected Batnesia gas on them," Bruce ordered. "They won't remember a thing of what just transpired. We can't let any of these slips-of-tongue happen again, especially when we have visitors!"

Bruce and Dick raced into the study and Bruce picked up the Batphone. "Yes, Commissioner?"

"Batman, the Joker's on the loose again," the Commissioner informed him. "He's stolen all the rare, vintage wine from the sequestered wine room at the Casablanca Country Club."

"That inebriated devil!" Bruce replied. "Alright, Commissioner, we'll be right there." Bruce hung up the Batphone and raised the bust of Shakespeare to reveal a knob. He twisted the knob and a false bookshelf slid away, revealing the Batpoles. "To the Batpoles!" Bruce and Dick slid down the Batpoles into the Batcave, where they became Batman and Robin. Then it was into the Batmobile and off to Police Headquarters, 14 miles away.

Chapter Two

"What could that devious devil have up his sleeve this time?" Chief O'Hara asked.

"Probably a new crime wave to bleed Gotham City dry," Batman replied.

Their conversation was interrupted by the buzzing of the Commissioner's intercom. "Sorry to bother you, Commissioner, but there's a singing telegram out here for Batman," his secretary, Bonnie, said.

Commissioner Gordon pushed the speaker button. "Send him in, Bonnie."

A man in a heart-shaped costume came into the Commissioner's office. He went over to Batman. "I am a singing telegram," the delivery boy sang. "For da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da Batman." He gave Batman a card and danced out of the office.

Batman opened the valentine. "It's from the Joker, that merry fairy!" He read it aloud. "Rubies are red, Emeralds are green; Batman: You'll die and never be seen."

"Holy Murder 1!" Robin exclaimed.

"Murder 2, Robin," Batman corrected. "If Joker kills us, he'll be charged with second degree murder."

"Maybe even third degree," Batgirl said from the Commissioner's doorway.

Everyone turned to face Batgirl. "Batgirl, how did you--" Batman began.

"Through the one thing you couldn't possibly have in your Utility Belt: A woman's intuition."

Chief O'Hara's mouth dropped open. "What? You're a woman?!"

Batgirl and everyone else ignored the Chief's revelation.

"What was that heart-shaped guy doing out there?" Batgirl asked.

"It was a clue from Joker," Batman replied.

"A clue?!" Commissioner Gordon asked. "I thought it was just a demented valentine."

"A valentine in July? Come on, Daddy," Batgirl said.

"Daddy?" everyone asked.

"Uh... he's been sort of a... father figure... to all of Gotham City," Batgirl lied.

Her quick lie seemed to suffice. Any suspicions Batman may have harbored were second priority, as he was trying to discover Joker's next motive.

"Joker's probably planning a crime based on Valentine's Day," Batman explained.

"So where did the theft of the wine fit in?" Robin asked.

"Wine?" Batgirl inquired.

"Joker stole all the choice wine from the Casablanca Country Club," Batman replied.

Batgirl thought for a second. "Wine... New Year's Day."

"Holy Holidays!" Robin exclaimed. "You mean--"

"Exactly, Robin, the Joker's concocted a crime for each major holiday!" Batman explained.

"Just like when he commited a crime for each sign of the Zodiac!" Commissioner Gordon recalled.

"Yes, the very essence of originality has left the Joker. His crime sprees are becoming less and less sophisticated. Eventually, they'll resemble something Chief O'Hara would plan."

Chief O'Hara looked up. "Thank you, Batman."

"His next crime will no doubt concern itself with Valentine's Day, as the card suggested, probably involving rubies and emeralds," Batman told everyone.

"The Doobie Diamond Salon has two famous heart-shaped rubies," Batgirl said.

"Holy Heart Shaped Rubies! It's staring us right in our masks!" Robin exclaimed.

"Doobie Diamonds," Batman repeated. "Also famous for their giant emerald!"

"Holy Four Leaf Clovers!"

"Yes, Robin, he's going to commit two crimes in one," Batman agreed. "Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day."

"Holy Two-in-One!"

"Holy Exasperation," Batgirl added.

"Holy Over-used and Over-rated Catch Phrases," Commissioner Gordon added.

"Holy Annoyances," Batman responded.

"Holy... uh..." Chief O'Hara began. He wasn't very good at thinking up synonyms--but he wasn't good at anything, for that matter. "Holy Badness!"

"Most apt, Chief O'Hara," Commissioner Gordon congratulated.

"Okay, okay, I get the picture," Robin said. "No more Holy words."

"Holy Unlikelihood!" Batman, Batgirl, and Commissioner Gordon exclaimed simultaneously.

Batman turned to the Commissioner. "We have to get to that salon before the Joker does, otherwise we'll be losing millions of dollars in jewels. To the Batmobile," he shouted to Robin.

Batman and Robin raced out of the office. Batgirl followed them.

Commissioner Gordon smiled. "Chief, I feel so much better now."

"I agree, Commissioner. There's nothing better than the euphoric, no, orgasmic feeling you get all over when the Dynamic Duo is on a case."

Commissioner Gordon gave him a strange look.

"So I've heard," Chief O'Hara quickly added.

In Doobie's jeopardized jewelry salon, Joker and his two henchmen, Patrick Valentine and Cupid Independence, entered and went directly to the counter, where a salesman was waiting.

"Good day, sir," the salesman said. "And what exactly are we looking for today."

"We aren't looking for anything. You are going to help me look for a Valentine's gift for my special someone," Joker said with a smile.

"A Valentine's gift in July?" the salesman asked. "Better to be seven months early than one day late, I always say," Joker explained. "This way I also avoid the Valentine's rush on the stores. I finished my Christmas shopping in May."

"Now, what exactly are you looking for?" the salesman asked.

"I think those two heart-shaped rubies will do." Joker pointed to the rubies in the locked display case.

"Those rubies are the only ones of their kind in the world," the salesman responded. "They are for display only and not for sale at any price."

Joker took out his gun. "This says they are." He gave the salesman a bag. "Now wrap 'em up." He gestured to the giant emerald in another display case. "And get that thing, too. St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner."

"Just let me ask one question," the salesman said while carrying out Joker's demands. "Why would you risk getting caught and sent to jail for a 'special someone?' " He handed Joker the bag with the stones.

"There's only one person I'd risk going to jail for: Myself," Joker replied.

"So these are for you."

"Of course they are, idiot!" Joker replied.

He and his henchmen made their escape.

Batman, Batgirl and Robin made their way into the jewelry store, where the disgusted salesman was waiting impatiently. "Well, you certainly rushed right over," the salesman said sarcastically.

"There was traffic, okay?" Batman responded.

"Yes, the morning traffic in Gotham City can sometimes be brutal," Batgirl added.

"Well, it certainly wasn't brutal for Joker," the salesman replied. "He made his escape twenty minutes ago!"

"You mean we're too late?" Robin asked.

"Duh!" the salesman exclaimed.

"Come on, Robin, we'll get noplace here." Batman began heading for the door. "Back to the Batcave to figure out the Joker's next iniquitous move."

Batgirl and Batman looked at Robin, waiting for him to say, "Holy April Fool's Day," but he apparently was not going to.

"Very good, Robin," Batman commended. "It would appear you've overcome your worst habit."

"Holy Congratulations, Batman! Thank you."

Batman and Batgirl groaned.

"I, too, have a plan for deducing the Joker's next crime," Batgirl added. "With two approaches, we'll have a better chance of discovering the Joker's next machination."

"Holy Independence, Batgirl. Why would you want to leave us?!"

Batgirl stared at Robin. "One overwhelming reason comes to mind, Robin."

"Holy Obvious Insults!"

Chapter Three

Minutes later, the Batmobile sped into the Batcave and screeched to a halt. Batman and Robin jumped out of the Batmobile and Alfred approached them. "Sir, the Batnesia gas is working perfectly. Mrs. Cooper remembers nothing of what transpired this morning."

"I regret having to do something like this to a family member, but it was something I had to do to preserve our secret identities," Batman explained.

"Holy Good Intentions," Robin added.

"Robin, you'd better shut up or it's going to be 'Holy Corpses!' "

"Holy Death Threats!"

"You'll find your milk and sandwiches prepared on the table in the study," Alfred said.

Robin went over and gave Alfred a friendly slap on the back. "Forget the milk and sandwiches, Alf. It's Miller Time!"

"Robin!" Batman exclaimed.

"Come on, Batman, it was only a joke. Lighten up!" Robin said.

"I'll never lighten up about liquor. Alcohol is nothing to joke about. It's a very dangerous thing. We must always beware of strong stimulants," Batman preached.

"Holy Debate Team!" Robin exclaimed.

Batman turned back to Alfred. "We'll be upstairs in the study watching the news. It may provide us with the clue we so desperately need."

Batman and Robin went up to the study via the Compressed Steam Batpole Lifts.

"And the Dynamic Duo seem to have been consistently one step behind the Joker in the past twenty-four hours after he has stolen vintage wine, rubies, emeralds, and most recently, a hoard of grade-A jeweled Russian Easter Eggs on display at the Gotham Cultural Museum," the newscaster announced. "Now that it appears Batman, Robin, Batgirl and the police are powerless against the Joker, we can only live in the shadow of fear. Fear of the demented madman who commits crimes based on holidays, fear of--"

The picture of the TV anchorman disappeared and was replaced by the Joker's grinning face. "Good evening, Batman," the clown began. "Since I'm sure you haven't a clue about my next crime, I'll give you one. Remember the Marble Memorial to the World War II soldiers in Gotham Square? After tonight, that memorial won't exist. Aha ha ha..."

"So that's his Memorial Day crime!" Bruce exclaimed. "He's going to steal the marble memorial for its mineral value rather than its sentiment to the thousands of Gotham City families who have lost loved ones in wars. And for a mere three million dollars worth of marble. Some people..."

"C'mon, Batman, let's go!" Dick exclaimed.

Bruce and Dick jumped up out of their chairs. Bruce raised the bust of Shakespeare and twisted the knob. The fake bookshelf slid away to reveal the Batpoles. "To the Batpoles," Bruce ordered. Bruce and Dick ran to the Batpoles.

"April Fool!" Joker yelled from the TV screen. Bruce and Dick spun around to face the TV screen, where Joker was laughing hysterically. "And speaking of fools..." The picture shifted from the Joker to a black and white photo. The Joker had somehow superimposed Batman's head on a bikini-clad woman's body.

"Holy Transvestites!" Dick exclaimed.

Outside, in the Wayne living room, Aunt Harriet was watching the same channel. "Good heavens!" she exclaimed before fainting.

Bruce turned off the TV. "To the Batpoles!" This time they carried out Bruce's order uninterrupted.

And a few seconds later, in the Batcave...

"Gee, Batman, I'm stumped," Robin said. "What the heck's his next crime?"

"Don't you remember the clue from the news broadcast?" Batman responded. "He's going to steal the World War II memorial from Gotham Square."

"But that was an April Fool," Robin corrected. "A red herring!"

"That's what he wants us to think," Batman said.

"It was too obvious, Batman," Robin added.

"Yes, it may be a trap," Batman agreed. "We'll have to chance it. You heard the newsman, our reputation's way down. We have to put the jolly devil's reign to an end, once and for all! To the Batmobile."

While the Dynamic Duo raced toward Gotham Square, Barbara Gordon arrived at a similar conclusion. So she was into her bedroom in a flash, where she changed into Batgirl, the clever crime-fighteress. Seconds later, she raced out of the side of her apartment building on her Batgirlcycle, hot on a trail which led to the Joker.

But were their actions in vain? Did the Joker make off with the marble memorial? Was it a trap for the Terrific Trio? The foreboding answers lie ahead.

Chapter Four

It was midnight at Gotham Square, where the marble memorial sat peacefully. But the peace was disturbed by the criminal likes of the Joker. He had a forklift driven in by one of his henchmen, while he drove a pickup truck filled with all his holiday henchmen.

He began to hoist the memorial with his forklift when the Dynamic Duo arrived. "Surrender, Joker!" Batman ordered.

"Yeah, right," Joker replied. "Patrick Valentine, Cupid Independence, Nicholas, Uncle Sam and all the other henchmen, get them!"

"Better include Batgirl on your hit list," Batgirl said from behind Batman and Robin.

"Get her, too!" Joker ordered.

Joker's henchmen attacked the Terrific Trio while he got the statue on the forklift and eventually unloaded it onto the bed of the pickup truck. He closed the tailgate and jumped in. He sped off into the night while Batman, Robin and Batgirl dealt with Joker's henchmen.

Batman rammed Valentine into the trunk of a tree. His action was rewarded by the sound of a cracking skull. Robin jumped from a tree branch on top of Independence and knocked him to the ground while Batgirl cracked Nick's skull by bringing down a giant rock on his head.

"You might want to put some butter on that," she advised the henchmen.

He groaned, half from the pain and half from Batgirl's bad joke.

When the last henchman was bloodied and brain-damaged, Batman and Robin followed pursuit in the Batmobile. By that time, the Joker was about one-half mile ahead of them. Batgirl jumped on her Batgirlcycle, but fell way behind in the chase, as her engine was no more powerful than a scooter's.

Joker scrambled into his hideout at the defunct Old Glory Fireworks Factory. He knew Batman and Robin would be there in a matter of minutes and he also knew he'd be ready for them. He'd give them a welcome they'd never forget. They'd no doubt make one of their legendary window entrances, which was why he had left a fourth floor window open.

The Batmobile screeched to a halt outside the factory entrance. They got out and walked to the side of the building.

"What do you think, Batman? Should we use the Battering ram?" Robin asked.

Batman looked up the side of the building. "No, Robin, that's not necessary. I can tell by looking that this building is fifty-five feet, seven inches high. Due to the moderately low height of this building, it would be better to use the Batrope."

Robin gave Batman a strange look. He continued with his speech.

"If we climb up the side of the building and go in that open window, approximately thirty-seven feet, three inches off the ground, it'll provide the much-needed element of surprise."

Batman threw the Batarang, attached to the Batrope, up the side of the building. It attached itself to the roof. Batman pulled to make sure it was secure.

Robin went up first, with Batman right behind him.

"Gee, Batman, why do you suppose Batgirl never Batclimbs up the walls with us?"

"Robin, she probably realizes it's a male sport which women should steer clear of. She knows she should leave climbing up the walls to the men. It gives us a chance for some male bonding."

"Gosh, Batman, you're right."

They continued climbing until a third floor window opened up in front of them. Richard Nixon popped his head out. "Batman, Robin, what an auspicious occasion," he said.

"Mr. Nixon," Batman responded with a tip of his cowl.

"Dick," Robin added.

"Robin!" Batman exclaimed.

"No need to reprimand him, Batman," Nixon interrupted. "Countless people have called me such names before and countless people will call me them again."

"What do you want, sir?" Batman asked Nixon.

"Batman, I came into Gotham City to ask your help in a top-secret project to take place at Watergate."

"You mean the office building which houses the Democratic Party Headquarters?" Robin asked.

"One and the same, Boy Wonder." He turned back to Batman. "Batman, we're going to pay Watergate a visit late at night to... borrow some papers the Democrats have there. We thought you might come along, being largely conservative as you are. Maybe you could climb up the walls outside the building and get the papers for us."

"Sorry, Mr. President, but our duties as crime-fighters leave us few opportunities for illegal government raids."

They continued up the wall. Robin turned around. "Good luck, Mr. Nixon." He took both hands off the Batrope and gave Mr. Nixon the peace sign.

"Both hands on the Batrope, Robin!" Batman ordered.

Robin put both his hands back on the Batrope. "Nag, nag, nag," he said under his breath.

They climbed in the open window into a dark room. Suddenly, the room was flooded with light. The Joker grinned at them from across the room. "So nice of you to join me in this fireworks factory, Batman. And maybe we can make some fireworks of our own." He winked at Batman.

"Ewww, you perverted queer!" Batman replied.

"Come now, Batman, I'm just joking, Who ever heard of a joker who didn't joke?" Joker laughed. "And speaking of jokes, try this one on for size." He threw some laughing gas pellets at them.

The pellets exploded around them. They began laughing hysterically.

"What is it, Batman?" Robin asked while laughing.

"Apparently a dose of nitrous oxide," Batman replied. "And some very funny nitrous oxide at that!"

Robin looked over at Batman and began laughing even harder.

"What's so funny, Boy Wonder?" he asked between laughs.

"Your costume." Robin pointed at Batman's tights while trying to suppress his laughter. "You look so funny in those blue tights!"

"Well, your costume's pretty funny, too, Mr. Red Vest and Yellow Cape!"

Both of laughed at the other's clothes, with Joker joining in with some laughter of his own. Batman looked over at Joker. "His costume is the funniest!" They both fell down from laughing until they passed out.

30 minutes later, they woke up to find they were tied to chairs. Batgirl was tied up next to them.

"Batman, you've awakened. It's a perfect night for a triple summer barbecue to signify my independence from organized society."

"Your Independence Day crime, no doubt," Batman deduced.

"Very observant, Batman," the Joker replied. "Yes, Independence Day. The perfect night for fireworks." Joker gestured to one corner of the room, which was crammed full of fireworks. "Within minutes, Batman, you'll become part of the immaculate display." He began to laugh his deranged laugh.

"You devil," Batman exclaimed. "With this amount of explosives going off, over three city blocks will be destroyed!"

"Yes, I'm a very destructive devil, a pyromaniac even," Joker agreed. "Well, good-bye, Batman. I've got to go get a good seat. The fireworks are about to begin!"

Joker lit the long fuse leading to the fireworks and ran out of the building.

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