Ivy's Salad Day (An establishing shot of an abandoned motor lodge in a mountainous region)

Narrator
-Whenever supercriminals elude capture from the forces of justice, they frequently find themselves looking for a secluded hideout to regroup for their next nefarious scheme!






(Cut to shot of Poison Ivy at a diving board in the motor lodgeís indoor pool)











-and in this abandoned motor lodge in the uppermost regions of Gotham state, that nefarious naturalist, Poison Ivy, has found her place to regroup!






(Ivy dives into the pool)

Betsy Barnard (sitting in pool chair, in bikini, reading a copy of the Gotham Times)
-Egads, Ivy, looks like they really sent Joker, Louie the Lilac and Harley Quinn up for good!

(Ivy emerges from the pool, grabbing a towel. She smirks and gives a disdainful shrug)

Poison Ivy
-I really could care less what happens to any of my former, temporary partners. That was one scheme I was forced into out of convenience Ė just because Harley helped spring us from jail Ė and I had to play the role of eco-terrorist to impress her and then Louie . . . (She shakes her head disdainfully) and believe me, trying to impress Harley Quinn is probably the most revolting thing Iíve ever done! Except, maybe, for that time I actually had to kiss Batgirl to immobilize her. (She shudders as she recalls the incident) Yecch!

Nancy Radcliffe (rather pointlessly applying suntan lotion to her legs)
-So, if Batgirl and Flamebird hadnít stopped us, what would we have done with all that money we were going to have laundered by Max Chessman?

Poison Ivy (smirks)
-Proving again why youíre an Ivy League dropout, arenít you? The answer is quite simple. The money would have gone to enhance our own basic happiness! The driving ambition for all of us is simple, unspoiled, natural, organic GREED! Getting anything we want to enjoy when we want it, and using the trappings of environmentalism as a mere means to that end.

(She walks over to a poison ivy plant placed against the wall, and brushes her wet body against it, reveling in the feel of it)

-Mmmmm, of course, the more grandiose we make the means when achieving the ends, the better!

Veronica Vassar (also lounging on pool chair)
-Easy for you to say, Ivy. Youíre immune to any kind of poisonous plant life, but what do we get out of it when you do one of these schemes rooted in enviro-extremism?

Nancy Radcliffe (with just a trace of bitterness)
-Yeah, especially since you double-crossed us once before and tried to do that poison Instant Jungle scheme all by yourself!

(Ivy glares at her and her voice grows cold)

Poison Ivy
-Because on that occasion, you dim-witted dropouts, the three of you demonstrated a distinct lack of unreliability in handling three Caped Crusaders . . . and since you all know how incapable you are of being master criminals by your lonesome selves, you should just be grateful that Iím willing to be forgiving of your mistakes and take you back when youíre needed.

(Her steely gaze travels over her three companions. They shift uncomfortably, but say nothing)

-I think that should settle any further debate over past matters, shouldnít it? (Smiles wickedly). Good. Now, we can look to the future Ė a future rooted in a scheme that will be wonderfully simple in its aims, its execution, and in our ultimate goals.

Veronica Vassar (chastened)
-Which is?

Poison Ivy (motions about the room)
-To improve on this, debutantes. This abandoned motor lodge that weíve appropriated for our use, gives us safety and seclusion from the long arm of the law, but it is, we can agree, most inadequate. What we need is an unlimited bank account to give us the means to build the ultimate hideaway. One where we can enjoy safety and seclusion from the long arm of the law . . . AND a more generous bounty of material wealth to keep us content with our lot.

Betsy Barnard
-and for you, itís a hideaway where you can be protected by all the poisonous foliage you can amass, combined with the last word in luxury trappings.

Poison Ivy (smiles and nods)
-You go to the head of your class, Betsy . . . and for all of *you*, itís having the means to have all you need and spend it to your heartís content from the safety of an overseas locale where extradition back to this country would be most difficult, even if you were spotted. Agreed?

(The three of them nod. Ivyís smile grows more malevolent)

-Then letís start putting our new scheme into effect!

(Spinning scene signals start of opening credits)

(Opening Credits Animated Sequence)

BATMAN

Starring Adam West
Burt Ward

Co-Starring
Alan Napier
Neil Hamilton
Stafford Repp

and Yvonne Craig as ďBatgirlĒ

Act One
(Establishing scene of Gotham City)

ďIvyís Salad DayĒ

Special Guest Villainess
Barbara Rhoades
as
Poison Ivy

(A close-up of the Gotham Gardens, a major distribution and loading area for supplies of produce)

Executive Producer
Twof

Written by
epaddon

Narrator
-This is Gotham Gardens. One of the cityís leading distribution points for fresh fruit and vegetables to countless supermarkets and restaurants across the fair city.

(Cut to a shot of a photograph of Gotham Gardens. The camera pulls back to reveal Ivy, now wearing her traditional leafy costume and headband, using a pointer to highlight different features of the picture, while the Ivy League gang sit at attention inside the motor lodgeís conference room)

-and could it be that this is on what Poison Ivy has her sights? For what purpose???

Poison Ivy
-Our scheme is simple, as is the execution Ė selective poisoning of the fresh fruit and vegetables that pass through Gotham Gardens and are then taken to the restaurants and supermarkets throughout the Gotham City metro area.

Betsy Barnard
-Selective? Egads, why not just poison the whole lot of what goes through there?

Poison Ivy (shakes her head)
-Much too ambitious, my dear Betsy . . . and a course that would limit our ability to strike terror into the hearts of Gotham City authority. That can only come through a selective poisoning of the produce, not a mass poisoning. (She paces in front of them). The only way weíll get a maximum ransom from Mayor Petalburg, is if we do something that theyíd *want* to keep quiet. Weíll put them in a position where they have no choice but to pay up, or risk seeing a mass panic that will utterly destroy Gotham Cityís economy in the process. When confronted with something like that, theyíll find any excessive ransom demand we make a very small price to pay.

Veronica Vassar
-How do we guard against . . . you know?

Poison Ivy (lets out another malicious smirk)
-If weíre successful in implementing phase one of our campaign, then Mayor Petalburg will have a good reason for not even wanting Batman and Robin to apprehend us. Weíll know too much about the lax security procedures at Gotham Gardens, which would have the same effect of ruining the Gotham City economy as a whole. What a way for his administration to start!

Betsy Barnard
-Ivy, youíre a genius!

Poison Ivy (winks, her vast ego temporarily satisfied)
-You know it, girlfriend!

Nancy Radcliffe
-So, how do we get to phase one?

(Poison Ivy pulls away the photo blow-up of Gotham Gardens, revealing a picture of an aged, bald man of at least 70 years old)

Betsy Barnard(revolted by the sight of him)
-Egads, what coffin did he get dragged out of?

Poison Ivy
-Beneath that wrinkled, decrepit exterior, lies the key to our ability to pull off this scheme, debutantes . . . (smiles) and I intend to use my unmatched power of feminine persuasion to get him to do my bidding, enabling us to bring Gotham City to its knees!

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

Narrator
-Meanwhile, Poison Ivy is not the only person interested in Gotham Gardens!

(Cut to shot of Bruce Wayne in business suit, moving about Gotham Gardens with the director of the market. Around them, the employees in work clothes are busy loading and unloading various crates of fresh fruits and vegetables)

Mr. Birdsear
-As you can see, Mister Wayne, Gotham Gardens is constantly increasing its level of operations! So much so in fact, we are in desperate need of new loading equipment to handle distribution.

Bruce (nodding)
-and if the Wayne Foundation were to underwrite the purchase of new loading equipment, and upgrade your facilities, that would be of immeasurable help?

Mr. Birdsear
-Exactly, Mister Wayne. As Mayor Petalburg no doubt told you over the phone this morning, the importance of Gotham Gardens to the cityís economy cannot be overstated.

Bruce
-A generous subsidy from a private foundation, would help defray the cost to both the Gotham City taxpayers and consumers of paying for the upgrade Gotham Gardens needs. (They stop walking). Mister Birdsear, I find your argument compelling, but . . . before I could commit myself to such an endeavor, it would require further consultation with the Foundation Board of Directors, not to mention Lucius Fox and Richard Grayson.

Mr. Birdsear
-I understand, Mister Wayne.

Bruce
-One thing that would help, is if I could get complete information on the extent of your distribution operations. How many restaurants and supermarkets receive produce from here, and which ones specifically?

Mr. Birdsear
-Oh . . . gosh, I donít have that information off the top of my head, Mister Wayne. Thatís all handled by our accounts supervisor, Mister Quirk.

Bruce
-Is he available?

Mr. Birdsear (sighs)
-Ah. Well . . . Adam is a genius when it comes to keeping our accounts in order . . . but . . .he has his eccentric qualities, too. We put up with them, because heís the best at what he does.

(Cut to establishing shot of ďGotham-A-Go-GoĒ club exterior)

Bartender
-Another one before the next show, Mister Quirk?

(Camera reveals the man at the bar. An aged, bald man of at least 70. Right away, we recognize the man from the photo Poison Ivy displayed)

Quirk
-Not just yet, my good man. When it comes to watching one of the lovely ladies of this club display their talents, a clear head is called for!

(The lights dim, a spotlight shines on a nearby stage, and jazz band music starts. Quirk turns around and grins lasciviously as he sees a well-built blonde woman in an exotically revealing costume emerge, and begin a dance number)

-Fifteen years Iíve come here, and they just keep getting better and better!

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(We see Quirk exit the club and head up the street. Watching him, and waiting until heís out of sight, is Poison Ivy. With an air of confidence, she goes to the clubís side entrance and knocks on the door. A fat man with a cigar, who is the club manager, opens it)

Manager
-Yeah, what can I ---- (stops as he sees Ivy standing there, and is immediately captivated by her beauty).

Poison Ivy (smiling sweetly)
-Good afternoon. I was wondering if I might audition for a job as a dancer with the club?

Manager
-Uh. Yeah, yeah, by all means! Come on in! (Motions her inside and she steps in the doorway). You got any experience?

Poison Ivy
-Oh . . . a little bit here and there.

Manager
-Any references?

Poison Ivy (playfully)
-I donít think youíll need to see any. (She opens up her trench coat, revealing a red swimsuit-like costume with a giant white star on the front, which also accentuates her cleavage) I specialize in very . . . exotic performance dance. This happens to be my science fiction-themed outfit.

Manager (visibly impressed)
-Very creative! Youíre hired!

Poison Ivy
-Thank you. Can I start tomorrow?

Manager
-You can start right now if you like! (Ivy shakes her head demurely.) Yeah, yeah, sure you can! Be here at eight tomorrow night!

Poison Ivy
-If itís all the same to you, Iíd prefer to work the late morning shift. Specifically, from ten AM to three PM.

Manager
-Well, now wait a minute. Weíre booked up with dancers for then. Besides, itís good business to put the prettiest girls on late and ------

(Ivy abruptly kisses him on the mouth, using the full effect of her special lipstick)

Poison Ivy (her voice a seductive whisper)
-Ten AM?

Manager (goofy-eyed)
-Yeah . . . . Ten AM, you got it!

Poison Ivy
-Iíll be here. (She gently lets go of him, closes her trench coat, and blows him a kiss, before she disappears out the door)

(Cut to shot of Ivy emerging on the street. Her sweet smile fades and she now rolls her eyes in disdainful disgust)

-Schmuck.

(Spinning Bat symbol to denote scene change)

(Establishing shot of Gotham Public Library)

Narrator
-Meanwhile, at Gotham Public Library, itís another typical work day for chief librarian par excellence, Barbara Gordon!

(Barbara notices a young man looking with some frustration at a newspaper microfilm and comes up to him)

Barbara
-May I help you?

Richard
-No, I donít think so. I know Iíve got the material I need. I just canít find what Iím looking for in it, but I know it has to be in there somewhere.

Barbara
-What is it youíre trying to find?

Richard (sighs with exasperation)
-Iím doing some research on abandoned motor lodges of the Johnson-Howard franchise. Thereís one upstate from Gotham City that supposedly was bought recently, but I canít find any information in either the Gotham Times or the local upstate papers on exactly when the sale took place.

Barbara
-That might not have warranted a mention in the newspapers. Did you check with the county recorderís office?

Richard
-Yeah, but they werenít very cooperative over the phone. Their records arenít on-line and I donít want to drive up there. All I managed to get from them is that the legal owner of the lodge is now some outfit called the Pisley Group. I canít, though, find out anything about them. I thought maybe one of their representatives might have been interviewed at the time the property was sold, but I havenít found an article.

Barbara
-Hmmm. Well, it could be it was just a real estate transaction the parties wanted to keep quiet. If youíre looking at the right time frame in the newspapers, your only other options would be to visit the county recorderís office or start calling realtors in the area. If you find the right one, they might be happy to publicize the sale. I really donít think thereís much else you can do from here.

Richard (rises)
-Guess not. (smiles) Thatís a good idea about calling the real estate agencies. Thanks.

Barbara (smiling back)
-Youíre welcome.

Richard
-Itís not that big of a deal. I just like to keep track of what happened to all the old Jo-Ho facilities. They used to be quite something, years ago.

Barbara
-I remember.

Richard (shyly. Heís flirting, but realizes Barbara is out of his league.)
-Ah, you donít look old enough to remember. (Barbara smiles kindly, but not too interestedly, at the compliment. Richard gathers up his things) Thanks for the help.

(He walks out, and slowly a frown comes over Barbaraís face)

Barbara
-Pisley Group. Pis-ley or . . . P . . . Isley. (Her eyes widen). Pamela Isley!

(She hurriedly goes over to where her first lieutenant, Myrtle, is at a desk)

-Myrtle, somethingís come up. Youíre in charge for the rest of the day.

Myrtle
-Sure , Barbara. No problem!

Barbara
-Thanks! (She heads out)

(Commercial)

Act Two

(Stock shot of Batgirl on Batgirlcycle exiting from the secret garage in the side of her building)

(Close shot of Batgirl riding through the streets of Gotham City)

Narrator
-and as Batgirl makes her way north of Gotham City toward an abandoned motor lodge------





(Cut to shot of Poison Ivy, luxuriating herself in a bubble bath in her Gotham City hotel room)







-Poison Ivy, checked into a room at the Gotham Plaza hotel, continues to plot strategy!

Poison Ivy
-Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I take the giant leap forward! Just one day of dancing to impress Mister Adam Quirk, and then get him up to this hotel room . . . and all the trade secrets of Gotham Gardens and how they distribute their lovely produce will be mine.

(She settles back in the tub, and then reaches for a bottle marked ďUrushiolĒ which is raw, poison ivy extract, and lazily pours it into the bath)

-and after that......I bring Gotham City to its knees, and get what Iíve wanted most in life! Unlimited wealth..... (she feels the sensation of the extract in the tub take effect) mmmmm.....in an appropriate setting.

(A wall phone that is a special part of the suite rings, and she reaches for it)

-Yes?

(Cut to shot of Betsy on public phone across from Gotham Gardens)

Betsy Barnard
-Ivy, weíre all casing Gotham Gardens, just like you asked.

Poison Ivy (comes partly upright in tub)
-Good. Can you figure out the most vulnerable point in which to slip the goods?

Betsy Barnard
-You figured it perfectly. The guys who work the loading areas all seem like a bunch of schmos whoíd easily get distracted by the sight of a pretty girl.

Poison Ivy
-Good. When the time comes, one of you will provide the distraction, while the other two get to work poisoning the merchandise before itís loaded. All I have to do now is get the information from Mister Quirk on which businesses pick up from which loading points, and then we can choose our targets for maximizing havoc to the city economy.

Betsy Barnard
-What do you want us to do now, Ivy?

Poison Ivy
-Well . . . we wonít be moving until at least the day after tomorrow. I donít think itís good for you to be in Gotham City where you might be spotted by an eagle-eyed policeman who reads the wanted posters. Take the first train back upstate and lay low at the motel tonight. Then come back into town as soon as you hear from me that Iíve got the information.

Betsy Barnard (nods)
-Right, Ivy. (She hangs up)

(Ivy puts the phone back in the wall terminal, sighs and then nonchalantly pours some more of the extract out of the bottle. This time directly on her arms, where she rubs it all over)

Poison Ivy (exhilarated)
-Mmmm, I so much prefer hatching my own schemes!

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(Establishing shot of the abandoned motor lodge)

Narrator
-Meanwhile, Batgirl has reached the abandoned motor lodge. She checks her cell phone and discovers there is no signal in this remote area. Shrugging, she uses her Bat-Lockpick to gain entrance to the lobby.

(Cut to Batgirl inside the orange-roofed lobby building, where she looks about . There is a good deal of clutter and disarray. As she makes her way down the adjacent corridor to the registration desk, she notices an air of spotlessness to it)

Batgirl
-Hmmm (puts her hands on her hips). Looks like someoneís been making use of this place recently.

(She tests several doors, which are all locked. The fourth one opens, though, and she cautiously enters)

(Cut to inside the room as we see Batgirl enter. She is taken aback as the camera pulls back to reveal a room covered with all forms of thriving plant life, leaving none of the original motel furnishings visible)

Batgirl
-Poison Ivy flourishes here, no doubt! (She puts a hand to her chin). Do I keep searching the premises to see if Pamela Isley and the Ivy League Gang are somewhere in hiding, or do I get to the nearest phone and call Daddy?

(She takes only a second to decide)

-Iíd better call for reinforcements!

(Cut to the exterior of the lodge where we see the Batgirlcycle in the foreground. Batgirl makes her way up to it, and is about to get on, when suddenly we see a long, slender female arm holding a pipe bring it down hard on the back of her head)

(Batgirl slumps unconscious over the front of her cycle, and the camera pulls back to reveal a smirking Veronica. Behind her, with equally satisfied expressions, are Betsy and Nancy)

Veronica Vassar
-Bad idea, leaving your cycle double-parked on private property, Batgirl.

Nancy Radcliffe
-and this time, we got the drop on you!

Betsy Barnard
-Letís put her on ice! Pamela can decide what to do with her later.

Veronica Vassar
-Yeah, sheís such an egotist, sheíd never forgive us if she werenít able to dispose of Batgirl permanently herself.

(They grab hold of the unconscious Batgirl)

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(A clearly displeased Poison Ivy is holding the phone, listening to Betsy)

Poison Ivy
-She was alone? No sign of Batman, Robin or Flamebird? (Pause as she hears the answer) Okay, keep her tied up in the solarium, since sheíd have to get through two sets of locked doors to bust her way out. Iíll dispose of her personally when we finish business here in Gotham City. (Pauses). Yeah, I think one of you should stay behind and keep an eye on her. Three of us can handle the infiltration and poisoning of the works. Yeah, Iíll be in touch tomorrow, as soon as Iíve got what I want from Quirk.

(She slowly hangs up and shakes her head with displeasure)

-Youíre a real inquisitive pest, Batgirl, figuring out where Iím based before I put my plan into effect . . . (Her expression changes to a smirk) . . . but watching you die is going to be a nice fringe benefit to this little caper.

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

Narrator
-The next morning, Poison Ivy shows up for her first day on the job at the Gotham-A-Go-Go!

(We see Poison Ivy enter the club side entrance. The manager is waiting, along with another man)

Poison Ivy (smiling brightly)
-Good morning, gents. Reporting for duty!

Manager
-Just a sec. First, this is Alvin, the bandleader.

Poison Ivy
-How do you do? (Alvin nods.)

Manager
Now, before I let you go on, thereís a bunch of stuff we didnít go over yesterday. Can you really dance?

Poison Ivy (trying to hide her disdain)
-You wonít find anyone better!

Alvin
-You sing when you dance?

Poison Ivy (letís some of the disdain show)
-If the men who come here want singing, they can go to the Gotham Met. My performance is strictly a *visual* medium. (Opens her trench coat, revealing the sci-fi-themed swimsuit costume)

Manager
-That looks great, but itís too exotic for your first dance. First time out, wear something a little more . . . conventional, and if you get a good reception, then you can do your second dance in that get-up.

(The bandleaderís presence is the only thing that keeps Ivy from using her special brand of charm on him again. She decides it best not to argue)

Poison Ivy
-Youíre the boss.

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(We see aged, decrepit-looking, Adam Quirk enter the Gotham-A-Go-Go and head for his usual place at the bar)

Bartender
-The usual one drink before the first show, Mister Quirk?

Quirk (grinning lasciviously)
-Clear head, my boy. Always keep a clear head! (He takes his one drink and slowly sips it)

(Cut to the stage, where the emcee emerges from the wings)

Emcee
-Good morning, everyone! To get things started today, the Gotham-A-Go-Go presents, a new great sensation of the dance stage . . . Radical Rhea!

(Curtain opens, and we see Poison Ivy, wearing a more ďconventionalĒ go-go dance costume, emerge as the music starts)

(Cut back to a reaction shot of Quirk, who is visibly impressed . . . in fact, more impressed than heís ever been with any other dancer heís seen at the club in all the years heís been coming)





(For the next minute, we watch Ivyís dance to the music, mixed with alternating reaction shots of Quirk)







(A succession of alternating close-ups on Ivy dancing, and Quirk reacting, give the impression of them looking directly at each other)



Bartender (slightly concerned)
-Mister Quirk? (He tugs at his customerís arm) Mister Quirk?

Quirk (sighs as he continues to gaze at her)
-Iím in love.

(Commercial)

Act Three

(Establishing shot of stately Wayne Manor)

(Cut to shot of study. Bruce is on the regular phone next to the Batphone)

Bruce
-Mister Birdsear, Iíve finished consulting with my people and we are favorable to your proposal, but we do need that information from your accounts manager, Mister Quirk, before we can commit ourselves.

Mr. Birdsear (on phone in Gotham Gardens, while workers move behind him)
-Yes, I understand, Mister Wayne. Unfortunately, it often takes considerable effort to get Adam available for something like this. He seldom shows up before two, and then he only stays until six.

Bruce
-Mister Birdsear, not that I want to question your reason for keeping on an employee of such advanced age and with such . . . eccentric habits, but I would have to presume that Mister Quirk has a unique touch for keeping the books in order if youíre willing to give him that kind of leeway.

Mr. Birdsear
-Thatís precisely it, Mister Wayne. Adam Quirk at 75 years old, and showing up only four hours a day, is still worth more than a man of 25 working an eight hour shift, because his mind knows how to keep everything organized better than anyone Iíve ever seen. Itís a unique gift of his.

Bruce
-I see. Well, please get in touch with me, when heís in and hold him there, so I can come down and talk to him.

Mr. Birdsear
-Iíll do that.

(Bruce hangs up, and a split second later, the Batphone rings. He picks it up)

Bruce
-Yes, Commissioner?

Commissioner Gordon (slight concern on his face)
-Batman, by any chance have you heard from Batgirl recently?

Bruce
-No, Commissioner. Why?

Commissioner Gordon (has to keep an even tone)
-Oh . . . I received a somewhat cryptic bit of information from her yesterday that she was pursuing a lead somewhere, potentially concerning the whereabouts of Poison Ivy, but she hasnít been in touch since.

Bruce
-Batgirl is a resourceful woman, Commissioner, and also quite thorough in how she does her own investigating. Iím sure that whatever lead sheís pursuing needs some more time to develop before she feels comfortable reporting it to either you or me.

(Gordon canít let slip the fact his concern has to do with the fact that itís his daughter whoís missing)

Commissioner Gordon
-I . . . agree with you, Batman . . . however, it is of interest to me to know what she, and you and Robin, are doing in these areas, and if you do get some information on it, I would appreciate hearing from you.

Bruce
-Of course. You can certainly depend on that, Commissioner.

Commissioner Gordon
-Sorry to have troubled you.

(Bruce hangs up just as Dick enters the study, a sheath for financial reports in his hand.)

Dick
-What was that all about?

Bruce (contemplative)
-The Commissioner is concerned that Batgirl may have gone missing as a result of investigating a lead concerning Poison Ivy. As you know, Ivy and her gang have been at large ever since Batgirl and Flamebird foiled that scheme when Ivy was in cahoots with Joker and Louie the Lilac.

Dick
-Anything we can check out?

Bruce
-Not at the moment, Dick, since we donít have any specific information with which to work. We . . . could, of course, program some variables into the Bat-Computer, but weíd be doing a good deal of guessing.

Dick
-Iím game. At least that way, if we hear some information later, we might be able to quickly match that information to something the Bat-Computer gives us.

Bruce (smiles)
-Ready for some action after spending yesterday number crunching, old chum?

Dick (enthusiastically)
-You bet!

Bruce (Lifts the Shakespeare bust and activates the control. The door slides open to reveal the sign ďEXIT TO BATCAVE VIA BATPOLESĒ)
-To the Batpoles!

(They dash over)

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(A close-up of Ivy doing another dance on-stage. This time, sheís wearing the sci-fi outfit, as her first dance went over well with the audience and the management)

(Close-up of Quirk, who seems utterly mesmerized by the sight of her)

Quirk (motioning to the bartender behind him with his arm)
-Another.

(The Bartenderís eyes go wide in amazement)

Bartender
-This isnít like you, Mister Quirk. Whatever happened to keeping a clear head when enjoying the show?

Quirk
-For that vision of loveliness, all forms of reason go out the window. (Sighs) If only I were twenty years younger.

(Just then, a waitress in a tight t-shirt and short shorts comes up to him)

Waitress
-Hey, Mister Quirk! The lady on-stage told me between her numbers to give you this.

(Quirk is amazed as he takes a note from her. He opens it and his eyes widen in excitement)

Quirk (whispers)
-Itís like a dream come true! She actually wants to see me!

Bartender (incredulous)
-You? Not only is it against the rules, but . . . Mister Quirk, at the risk of offending you, why would a goddess like her want to see you, unless itís about fruits and vegetables?

(Quirk turns around and smirks at him)

Quirk
-Maybe from her vantage point, she can sense my . . . other great attributes that only an older *gentleman* would possess.

(He moves away from the bar, leaving the bartender alone and dubious)

Bartender
-I think *Iím* the one who needs a drink!

(Cut to shot of Quirk heading backstage. We see him waiting in the wings as Ivy comes toward him)

Poison Ivy (smiling)
-You got my note?

Quirk (captivated by her)
-Yes. I . . . donít know what to say except . . . .you dance terrific . . . uh, terrifically!

Poison Ivy (playfully touches him on the cheek)
-Thank you. I wanted to be sure I impressed the customer in whom I was most interested.

Quirk (gulps)
-Me?

Poison Ivy
-Sure. Iíve . . . always had a thing for distinguished looking . . . mature men. (She kisses him on the mouth)

Quirk (looking more goofy-eyed)
-Gosh, I . . . I

. Poison Ivy (whispers)
-Donít say anything more. Just . . . go to my hotel room at the Gotham Plaza. Room 335. and . . . wait for me. Iíll be there in an hour when I get off from here (She sticks the room key in his hand). Youíll be there, wonít you?

Quirk (nods)
-Iíll . . . be there.

Poison Ivy (playfully touches his cheek again)
-Just relax when you get there, and be prepared for a time youíll . . . never forget.

(She lightly kisses him and walks away. Quirk lets out a long captivated sigh and then slowly makes his way out, eagerly eyeing the hotel key)

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

Narrator
-Meanwhile, back in the Batcave . . . .

(Batman and Robin are busy at work on the Bat-Computer)

Robin
-I guess this is too much of a tall order without a starting point. There arenít any greenhouses, floral shops or anything else in the Gotham City limits that have changed ownership recently for Batgirl to have checked.

Batman
-It could be then, that Poison Ivy, if Batgirlís hunch was correct, is not operating from her usual base of operations. Which in a way, would fit the somewhat . . . unpredictable way she operates.

Robin
-Unpredictable? It seems to me sheís usually pretty consistent.

Batman
-Not really, Robin. She has . . . a strange way of not being consistent when it comes to her motives behind a crime, a lack of a pattern that makes her more dangerous than many of our adversaries. Think back to the four times weíve encountered her. Sheís alternated between schemes rooted in pure, self-absorbed greed, and plans based upon goals of eco-terrorism.

Robin (slowly nods)
-I see what you mean. The first time, it was just a desire to steal an armored truck.. Then came that scheme to bring Christmas trees back to life, and she was taking the hard-core eco-terror line.

Batman
-Which was then followed by her plot to use Shandraís Instant Jungle to turn Gotham City into her personal pleasure den, a scheme rooted in greed, but which was then followed by her most recent plot with Joker and Louie the Lilac, where her first concern again seemed to be eco-terrorism. That raises the question: Is she principally an eco-terrorist who knows how to be pragmatic when the occasion calls for it; or is she mainly self-centered and motivated by greed, and just uses the rhetoric of eco-terrorism when convenient?

Robin
-Gosh, Batman, I never stopped to think about it that way. Youíre right! (He pounds his right fist into his left palm) Maybe she suffers from some sort of split personality, caused byĖ

(The regular phone in the Batcave rings. Batman picks it up)

Batman
-Bruce Wayne speaking. (Pause). Yes. Yes, that would be fine, if Mister Quirk will be present. Iíll be there at three this afternoon. (Hangs up)

Robin
-Are you finally going to get the figures for that Gotham Gardens deal?

Batman
-Bruce Wayne has an important meeting with Mister Birdsear of Gotham Gardens at three oíclock. In the absence of any breakthrough for us to consider on the matter of where Batgirl has gone, itís best I keep that appointment. In the meantime, keep feeding new variables for the Bat-Computer to consider . . . and, of course, stand by in case Commissioner Gordon calls with any further news.

(He dashes over to the Batpoles, presses the button and the steam turbo lifts him)

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(Establishing shot of the Gotham Plaza hotel)

(We see Adam Quirk inside Ivyís suite, which is filled with all kinds of luxury trappings. Heís looking about in awed amazement as he wanders through the open doorway of the outer foyer and into the next room, where he notices a hot tub across from the bed)

Quirk
-Hoo boy. Sure beats my little apartment!

(He goes over to the hot tub and cautiously sits down on the edge)

Poison Ivy (in sing-song, sweet tone)
-Oh, Adam, dear?

(He looks around and sees her standing in the open doorway that leads into the room. She is still wearing her sci-fi outfit, complete with the cape she had expertly discarded during the dance number)

Poison Ivy
-I decided that you were most definitely worth *not* changing for!

(She slowly makes her way towards him, while he has no reaction other than a slack-jawed stare of awe. The closer she gets to him, the more he slowly sinks back so that he is lying now on the edge of the hot tub, looking up at her towering presence)

Poison Ivy
-Iím *so* impressed by how you keep yourself looking so . . . full of life.

Quirk (takes a breath, summoning the nerve to finally speak)
-Itís . . . all part of the system.





Poison Ivy
-The system?







Quirk
-Yeah. Be the best at your job, so youíre totally indispensable, and that way, you can keep your own hours and just relax. All the benefits of a full-time job, without ever having to work full-time.

(Ivy kneels beside the hot tub and smiles at him. He rises and is so awed by the sight of her, and being this close, he impulsively sticks his feet inside the tub and slides in, oblivious to the fact heís still fully-dressed)

Poison Ivy
-Mmm, tell me more. About your job, that is. It has to be fascinating work, if you can be that good at it!



Quirk
-Oh . . . it isnít much. I handle all the accounts at Gotham Gardens Ė all the deals with the restaurants and supermarkets . . . and the schedules on when and where they do their pickups.

Poison Ivy (acting impressed)
-Really? How do you make yourself so . . . indispensable at that?




Quirk (loving the fact he can talk about his work to someone like her. He taps his forehead and slips further into the tub)
-Itís all up here. I have a knack for keeping facts and figures organized on all those intricate matters that the rest of the boys at Gotham Gardens would go crazy trying to keep up with. All they do is just load the stuff on the trucks and then take off the stuff thatís arriving from all over the country. Itís not their job to remember which restaurant or supermarket, the newest batch of tomatoes and lettuce is going to, just get it all on the trucks and then attend to the next batch of crates!

Poison Ivy (now somewhat genuinely interested)
-But couldnít all that information be put on a computer?

Quirk
-Sure! . . . but, first, Birdsear doesnít want to make the investment it would take and, second, several of the top chefs are paranoid their competitors could hack the system and find out what they ordered on any particular day.


Poison Ivy (smiles coyly)
-but, if I were to ask you, what time do shipments of lettuce and tomatoes go to, say, the Tavern on the Red, or the Five Seasons, and from which loading area, youíd know without looking it up anywhere?

Quirk
-Why, sure! Two of our best customers! Eight AM, every day, from loading area number two.

Poison Ivy
-Mmmm. Who else gets pick-ups from that loading area at that particular time? Restaurants only, or some supermarkets as well?


Quirk
-Oh, just restaurants. I think (heíd ordinarily look up at the ceiling but he has no intention of taking his eyes off her), letís see now, yes. The McDaniels fast food franchises for their salad bars.

Poison Ivy
-Really? Fascinating. What about the deliveries to Tyler Stadium, for the salad they serve in the Stadium Club and for the concession stands?

Quirk
-Thatís . . . whenever the Eagles are in town, usually at eight, thirty in the morning, from loading area number three.

Poison Ivy (nods, and keeps smiling. Inside, sheís ecstatic sheís getting all the information she needs this fast and easily)
-What about the Big Union supermarket chain?

Quirk
-Every two hours from loading areas number three and four, starting at nine AM.

Poison Ivy (deciding she needs just one more piece of information)
-How about Americaís Mall at the Crystal Castle for the food court?

Quirk
-Fridays at 8:30 AM. Mondays at three in the morning.

Poison Ivy
-Boy, you are a genius to know all that by memory! No wonder they give you such free rein.

Quirk
-Yep. Thatís why I donít even have to show up for that three PM meeting Mister Birdsear wanted me there for.

(Her smile fades slightly)

Poison Ivy
-Meeting?

Quirk
-Yeah. Something about Bruce Wayne wanting some statistics. Big deal, how could I pass up a chance to meet . . . .(he sighs) to meet *you*?

(Ivy knows she has to move quickly)

Poison Ivy
-Iím glad you find me such a tempting distraction. (She reaches over) Here, let me help you out of there.

(She lifts him up out of the hot tub. He is dripping wet from the waist down but still oblivious to that. Ivy gently leads him over to the nearby bed, propping him on the edge and kneeling in front of him)






Poison Ivy
-No more talk about work now. Itís time we think about getting down to some more . . . fun things we can do together.

Quirk (feeling tongue-tied)
-Gosh, I . . . I sure wouldnít know where to begin!

Poison Ivy
-Oh, donít worry. I have a few things in mind.












(The smile fades from Ivyís face as she gently pushes him down, and stares at him with a look that suggests she intends to get down to some serious business. Quirkís expression is like that of one eagerly awaiting a pleasant fate)

(Ivy kisses him hard on the lips, and embraces him tight, applying the full force of her special lipstick to him with all her strength) (Seconds later, Quirk goes limp and drops onto the bed, his eyes staring up at the ceiling catatonically, while a goofy grin rings his face)

Poison Ivy (smirks with satisfaction as she rises)
-Works every time . . . but I really love the way it puts a weak little Milquetoast into a coma. Theyíd go to pieces just from a peck on the cheek from a goody-two shoes like Batgirl, but when they feel my effect.....(she lets out a satisfied sigh and stretches herself)

-Business now over. Onward with pleasure!

(She walks out in a triumphant flourish, with the bearing of a mighty queen)

(Commercial)

Act Four

(A clearly agitated Mr. Birdsear is pacing back and forth)

Mr. Birdsear
-Iím really sorry, Mister Wayne. Adam is always punctual about arriving at three when we need him.

Bruce (seated across from him in business suit)
-Well . . . with all due respect, Mister Birdsear, you may have to at least consider hiring a younger assistant who has Mister Quirkís zeal for keeping figures in order.

Mr. Birdsear
-Possibly. I . . . really shouldnít keep you here any longer, if he isnít going to show up.

Bruce (rises)
-Where does Mister Quirk usually spend his mornings before coming to work?

Mr. Birdsear (sighs)
-The Gotham-A-Go-Go club

(Before Bruce can comment, he hears a beeper go off in his pocket. Itís the beeper that indicates the Batphone is being used in the Batcave)

Bruce
-That indicates an important phone call for me, Mister Birdsear, so Iíll take my leave now. When Mister Quirk is available, Iíll be here, but I do suggest you look into getting an assistant for him. It might well strengthen your case before the Foundation.

Mr. Birdsear
-Of course, Mister Wayne.

(Bruce departs and heads to the limousine where Alfred is behind the wheel. He gets in the backseat)

Bruce
-Alfred, put me through directly to the Batphone extension in the Batcave.

Alfred
-Very good, sir. One moment. (He presses several buttons at the base of the dashboard, then hands the phone to Bruce)

Bruce
-Robin, did you receive a message from the Commissioner?

Robin
-Yes, he has new information on where Batgirl was checking her lead. She was going to an abandoned motor lodge upstate from Gotham City that was part of the old Johnson-Howard chain.

Bruce
-We should check that out immediately! Bring the Batmobile into town, and Iíll meet you at 150th street, before the upstate Thruway exit, changed into a spare Bat-costume. If Batgirl still hasnít reported, it could be a most ominous sign!

Robin
-Roger! (He hangs up and sprints toward the Batmobile)

(Bruce pulls the privacy screens down over the backseat windows)

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(Poison Ivy, changed back into street clothes, is packed and ready to leave her hotel room. Sheís on the phone)

Poison Ivy
-Weíve got all the information now. Todayís Tuesday, and the shipments we want to contaminate leave Gotham Gardens at eight, thirty tomorrow morning. We have to be in place before that.

Veronica Vassar
-Ivy . . . do you think maybe we should kill Batgirl before we move in?

Poison Ivy (emphatically)
-I want to dispose of Batgirl personally!

Veronica Vassar
-I know weíve got her double-locked in the solarium, but . . . you know how resourceful she can be at getting out of a situation.

Poison Ivy (grudgingly)
-True, true. (Takes a breath). Maybe it would be better to dispose of her, before we move in, and guarantee thereíll be no interference with our plans. Thereís time for me to come back to the lodge tonight, and take care of that, and then we can head back down early enough to contaminate those shipments.

(She idly goes over to the window and looks down. She freezes slightly when she sees the Batmobile move past the hotel. Although it roars past and doesnít stop, the fact that itís headed in a northerly direction which would take it out of Gotham City is enough cause for concern).

-Iíll be there in an hour! (She slams the phone down, picks up her bag and hurriedly leaves the room)

(Cut to shot of Batmobile exiting on to Gotham State Thruway)

Robin
-Good thing the Commissioner got that extra info that clarified where Batgirl was doing her search. I never would have figured Poison Ivy would be basing herself a whole hour and a half away upstate!

Batman
-Although, the town near which this abandoned motor lodge is located is only an hour away from Gotham City by commuter train. There would be easy access to the city for Poison Ivy and her gang . . . if, that is, her newest scheme centers on Gotham City.

Robin (leans over to look at the Batmobile speedometer)
-Shouldnít we go a little faster?

Batman
-Not when weíre surrounded by so many commuters leaving the city, driving to their homes upstate, Robin! Ours is to take advantage of the maximum speed allowed by the law . . . but no further, except in a dire emergency. Without any direct proof that Batgirl is in danger, we have no right to use our status as deputized agents of the law to break the speed limit.

Robin (sighs and gazes off into the distance)
-Maybe so, Batman . . . but I recall a time Batgirlís safe driving habits almost cost us our lives.

(Batman stiffens. The Batmobile accelerates, ever so slightly.)

Narrator
-But even as the Dynamic Duo draw ever closer to the upstate motor lodge in search of Batgirl--

(Cut to shot of an edgy-looking Poison Ivy on a train looking out the window)

--Poison Ivy is one step ahead of them! If the train is on time, and depending on how long it takes Ivy to get from the station to the lodge, Ivy may get to the lodge well before the Dynamic Duo!

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(Establishing dusk scene of motor lodge exterior)

(Batman comes up to the door and hesitates)

Batman
-Smart criminals would no doubt have the entrance to their hideaway locked . . . unless they were expecting us. (He tests the door. It doesnít open). The Bat-Lockpick, Robin.

(Robin hands it to him)

-Of the many gadgets we so often depend on, this simple tool is, perhaps by far, the most important, based on the frequency of use.

Robin (chuckles)
-For this occasion, I figured it was more important to bring along than the can of Anti-Shark Bat-Repellent.

Batman (turning around and smiling)
-A good sense of humor is also important for any crimefighterís well-being!

(He uses the lock pick and the door opens. They quietly enter and look about the darkened lobby)

-If this is Poison Ivyís hideout, then the fact Batgirl hasnít been heard from since she came up here yesterday . . . is not a good sign.

(Robin nods, his expression now totally serious. They take their steps slowly, looking about the lobby with as much thoroughness as they can)

(Suddenly, from a ventilator above the registration desk, a thick cloud of smoke emerges, filling the lobby in mere seconds. They both violently cough)

Robin
-Holy smoke! (suddenly scratches himself) That stuff itches, too!

Batman
-Poison Ivyís itching chemical, in gaseous form! Try to stay consciousĖ

Robin
-I canít Batman! The more I try to fight it . . . the worse the itching gets!

Batman (struggling to stay on his feet)
-Ingenious of her . . . Fight against the knockout effect and the itching increases . . . only way to get relief is to . . . be overpowered.

(He and Robin both collapse to the ground, unconscious. The smoke clears slightly enough for us to see Poison Ivy emerge, now dressed again in her familiar leafy costume and headband, her hands triumphantly on her hips. She is smiling wickedly as she looms over them)

Poison Ivy
-You guessed right, Batman. A little leftover reminder from that Christmas tree scheme of mine, but with a new modification. The itching gas, to which I have total immunity to, also contains a knockout gas strain, which, for the victim, means he can either fight it Ė and scratch his way into added aggravation Ė or just succumb to unconsciousness and let the itching effects wear off. With the caveat being, he becomes my prisoner as a consequence!

(She looks back to the corridor)

-Okay debutantes! Time to reunite the Bat-Boys with their long-lost friend!

(Betsy, Veronica and Nancy, all wearing protective suits, enter)

(Spinning Bat symbol to indicate scene change)

(Establishing shot of the solarium. Batman and Robin are bound fast to a table with thick vines around their legs and arms. We pull back and see Batgirl on a table opposite them, also immobilized)

Batman (jerking his head in several directions)
-Robin! Batgirl! Are you okay?

Robin
-Iím fine, Batman. The itching chemical wore off, but . . . I canít move!

Batgirl
-Neither can I, Batman!

(The door opens and Poison Ivy enters, smiling in triumph)

Poison Ivy
-Well, well, well. Once again, I bear witness to the sight of the Testosterone Twosome attempting a rescue of the Damsel in Distress. (Her smile widens). Only this time, rather than bargaining my way to secure my escape, I get the added privilege of finally disposing of the three of you, once and for all! My only regret is you didnít bring Flamebird. Then I could have settled all of my outstanding debts.

Batgirl
-Ivy, when will you learn to channel your passion for the environment towards a nobler cause than lining your own pockets!?

Poison Ivy (laughs mockingly)
-Batgirl, are you trying to tell me, you believed me when I went back to the eco-terror language last time? (She shakes her head) When one has to work alongside the likes of Harley Quinn and the Joker, one has to change tactics to make oneself seem as demented as those clowns . . . but this time, when itís just me and me alone hatching a scheme, I can afford to be honest about what really motivates me . . . and the real me, is what you saw and heard when I was trying to pull off that Poison Instant Jungle scheme and make Gotham City my own personal playpen. Take that thought to your grave!

Batman
-Since youíre so confident of assuring our demise, Poison Ivy, then maybe you could enlighten us as to what your scheme for untold wealth is.

Poison Ivy (shakes her head)
-Nope. Nice try, Batman, but not this time. Given how you have a remarkable penchant for getting out of elaborate deathtraps after youíve heard your adversary tell all, Iím going to take the extra safeguard of keeping you guessing, even if by some miracle of Fate, you figure a way out of this fix. Not that I lack confidence in this trap, but I think since Iím going to come into such great gobs of wealth to make my ultimate pleasure palace, I can afford to spend just a little bit extra on insurance.

Batman (seethes as he struggles futilely)
-You villainous vixen!

Poison Ivy
-Your flattery doesnít make me go to pieces like it does Catwoman. In the meantime, you are, though, entitled to know how youíre going to meet your demise. I direct your attention to the plants that line the walls. (She gestures) This represents the deadliest discovery Iíve made in all my years of experimentation in plant life. These plants, as they flourish, give off increased quantities of oxygen. In the process, they remove all other elements from the air, so, inevitably, the atmosphere becomes pure oxygen.

Robin
-Whatís dangerous about that? Breathing pure oxygen is perfectly safe!

Batman (already realizing what it means)
-It isnít the air that will kill us, Robin. As those plants continue to flourishĖ

Poison Ivy (mocking)
-Bright boy! As the environment becomes pure oxygen, things are liable to get very unstable, especially when you have a good deal of . . . combustible material lying around. Why, the next thing you know, thereís a sudden and violent outbreak of a flash fire, and you are consumed in an inferno before you have any time to react!

Batgirl (struggles futilely)
-You demented diva!

Poison Ivy
-No, Batgirl, because if I were that demented, then this would be the ultimate terror weapon for me to unleash. I could hold the entire world hostage by threatening to transform the air completely to the point where flash fires, rusting of buildings and the destruction of all crops would be a reality . . . but Iím not interested in that, which is why I only made sure to create a very limited quantity of this particular lethal plant . . . just enough to use when the occasion warrants it, such as for getting rid of you pests! (She chuckles malevolently) Like I said, when it comes to my ultimate goals, all I care about is the money and the perks . . . enjoyed in an appropriate environment of lush beauty that I alone am privileged to enjoy with no ill-effects, but, when you come right down to it, itís still just honest, basic, greed . . . and like the old saying goes, I happen to think that greed is good.

(She lets out a disdainful sigh)

-So long, Dynamic Dimwits! Soon, you and this old abandoned motor lodge will go up in a blaze of glory, and no one will have a clue as to from where Iíll be striking . . . but they will soon know the deadly effects of getting too close to Poison Ivy! They will be forced to pay a very *stiff* price. (She opens the door and gives them a mocking wave of farewell). Ta-ta!

(The door slams shut and they can hear the lock being turned from outside)

(Close-ups of the three of them all struggling, and then to the deadly plants along the wall which seem to already be growing in size)

OH NO!
OUR THREE CAPED CRUSADERS, TRAPPED AND DOOMED TO GO UP IN A BLAZE OF GLORY?

(Close-up of Batman and Robin)

POISON IVY FREE TO IMPLEMENT HER SCHEME TO SABOTAGE GOTHAM GARDENS AND
POISON THE SALADS OF ALL OF GOTHAM CITYíS IMPORTANT EATERIES AND SUPERMARKETS?

(Close-up of Batgirl)

SAY IT ISNíT SO!

(Wide shot, showing them all, with the plants along the wall growing larger)

IF YOUíRE BURNING TO KNOW THE FATE OF OUR HEROES
THEN, DEAR READER, TUNE IN AGAIN NEXT EPISODE!

SAME BAT-TIME
SAME BAT-CHANNEL!


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