When we last left Batgirl, The Joker had left her to a funny fate:
To have her body torn apart when his jolly jack-in-the-box opens!
For you, days have past,
but Joker's terrible timer hasn't registered a single tick for our heroine.
So hold your breath and keep your eyes on the screen in front of you.
The worst is yet to come!
Fear mingled with excitement as Batgirl watched the mirror in which the countdown to the death Joker had devised for her ticked inexorably down. She shuddered as she considered her fate and realized she was partially responsible for her predicament.
She had come to investigate Joker's hideout alone. She had not told anyone her plans, hoping to confirm her suspicions before informing the police. So, while Joker had given her ample time to be rescued, she had not anticipated this obvious contingency. No rescuer would come. ‘I've been a fool,' she told herself. ‘No backup. What an idiot!'
She felt better when she realized she was beating herself up unfairly. One compartment of her utility belt held an emergency homing device she had used in the past to summon police aid to free her from more dire perils than this. She had prepared for this contingency after all. Her gizmo, though, could not save her this time. The belt was on the workbench, out of reach.
What was worse, however, was she expected villains to take her belt. She had concealed other tiny tools in her gloves and boots to use when the belt was unavailable. Unfortunately, the gloves and boots were with her belt. ‘I would be so out of here,' she thought. ‘I have to give Joker credit. He seems to have thought of everything.'
Upon reflection, she concluded she had done well in her last confrontation with Joker. The amorous attention of his men had not given her time to mentally prepare. Yet, she had not despaired or spoken in anger.
Well, she had spoken in anger. Of course, she had every right to be angry. Did she really want to tear Joker and his gang apart as she had claimed? 'It might be best not to think about that. I have my dignity and a threat to make good. I hate to waste a good threat.'
She threw herself toward the mirror in front of her and felt her silk bindings restrain her. The bonds would not mark her flesh as she struggled, enabling Joker to turn her body, or what was left of it, over to the police as a Christmas gift. This despicable plan had angered her. She glanced at the countdown to see how long she had.
She reasoned the silk scarves should not be able to withstand as much punishment and stress as the ropes her captors had originally used. She hung from the scarf above her and slid the scarf binding her ankles back and forth through the ring of the eyebolt to which she was secured. The metal seemed smooth, so she would not be able to use it to weaken the scarf.
She straightened and moved her hands from side to side. Batgirl discovered the ring in front of the jack-in-the-box top was as smooth as the eyebolt in the floor. ‘Useless,' she concluded disgustedly. ‘All my struggles have done is tighten the knots. They'll be even harder to break now.'
She glanced at the mirror and permitted herself a smile. ‘I do look good, though.' She glanced at the counter and shrugged, twisting and turning to admire herself from different angles. She realized in most similar situations, she would not have the opportunity to indulge her ego like this. She shuddered as she recalled Joker's reason for giving her such freedom of movement. ‘I don't have time for this.'
She closed her eyes and composed herself. Joker had been cocky. He had his men retie her when she had been perfectly helpless. The new arrangement was not as effective as the first. He had allowed her freedom of movement. While limited, she would never have expected it. These were her advantages and they offered hope. Her spirits soaring, she exhaled, leaned forward and began to reconsider her situation.
Suddenly she froze. She had heard a small sound. What had it been? She listened and heard only silence. Could the silence mean she had caused the sound herself? She straightened and leaned forward listening intently. Yes. There it was. She was causing this sound. What was it?
She opened her eyes and studied herself in the mirror, looking up and turning her head as best she could. She straightened and leaned forward a third time to verify what she could hardly believe. The silk scarf binding her wrists was scraping across the edge of the jack-in-the-box above her!
‘It's a slim chance, but it's all I have.' She glanced at the countdown. ‘Not much time.'
She quickly straightened and repeatedly slid the scarf across the crate's edge as fast as she could. Fifteen minutes later she was exhausted. She paused and looked at the scarf she had been trying to weaken. ‘Progress,' Batgirl said to herself, ‘but not much.' Five minutes later she renewed her efforts. As she worked, she felt the spark of hope she had experienced earlier brighten into a flicker. ‘It's working. The question is: Will I have enough time to free myself before the jack-in-the-box pops?' She glanced at the countdown and her eyes widened in horror. ‘Oh, God, the answer is no!'
While the scarf above her was visibly damaged, the countdown had reached 100!
She began to work on the scarf again while she once more reviewed Joker's gloating in her mind. ‘His lecture on kinetic energy is the key to escaping from here under these circumstances,' she concluded. Batgirl had formed the glimmer of a plan by the time the countdown reached 30. ‘Now let me see.'By the time the countdown reached 15, she had gone over her plan and decided it had to work.
"This is it," she said as the countdown ticked down to ten.
She inhaled deeply and crouched as low as her bonds allowed. The countdown reached five.
Batgirl was mentally counting down and holding her breath as the countdown reached three.
She closed her eyes and felt she was as well prepared for the end as she could be as the countdown reached two.
"NOW!" she shouted, expelling her breath, opening her eyes and tightening every muscle in her body as the countdown reached one.
She watched events move in what seemed to be sickening slow motion as the countdown reached zero to release the top of the jack-in-the-box. Pain racked her body as the spring expanded, snapping her straight. She hung stretched to her limits parallel to the clown draped over Joker's sinister spring. She stared desperately at the torn scarf above her as the silk strands separated millimeter by millimeter before finally, mercifully tearing apart.
Batgirl felt herself falling and instinctively swung her arms forward, spreading her fingers and flattening the palms of her hands. She hit the floor with a smack and bent her elbows to absorb the shock. "God, that hurts," she said and collapsed. Overhead the gruesomely grinning clown figure bobbed madly, now unrestrained and casting its dark shadow over her prone body.
Later, she moaned, feeling a wave of pain tingle along the length of her body. Her painful return to consciousness made her realize she had blacked out when her adrenaline rush faded away. Batgirl tried to get up and realized the weight of her body lying on her arms and the scarf binding her feet had slowed the flow of blood to her limbs. She painfully bent her legs to draw her body closer to the jack-in-the-box, thus shifting her body weight from her arms and allowing blood to flow to them. When she was able to flex her fingers without pain, she backed up to stretch her legs and try sitting up. It didn't work, so she lay motionless, resting. After awhile, she realized the scarf around her ankles had twisted into a wire-thin tourniquet. She looked at it, frowning. She tried rolling her body one way and then the other before realizing she would have to return slack to the bindings. She pulled herself back to the jack-in-the-box and tried sitting again. This time her muscles had gotten used to responding to her mental commands. Loosening the knots seemed to take forever. Finally she drew one foot from the bindings and the other quickly followed. At last she was free. Before she could consider leaving, blood would have to begin flowing to her feet again.
When she tried standing, she pitched toward the workbench onto which the rest of her costume had been tossed. She felt her hands hit her cape and braced herself with her arms. While she could feel her feet again, her muscles were not yet ready to bear her body weight. She would be able to stand in a moment.
Meanwhile, she had to get on her gloves. Barbara Gordon would not be able to explain how her fingerprints had turned up at this crime scene. She moved the gloves to one side of the workbench, turned around and scooted into a sitting position atop the workbench. As she slid the gloves on, she swung her legs to keep the feeling in them. Once the gloves were in place, she massaged her limbs vigorously until she felt she could stand. "Okay," she said aloud and pulled each knee to her chest to slide each shapely leg into a boot. "Here we go."
She slid from the workbench and stood successfully. She exhaled a breath she did not realize she had been holding and twisted her upper body to retrieve her belt. Once it encircled her hips she turned the other way and retrieved her cape. She used the necessity of clipping it to her shoulders as an opportunity to test her range of movement. She continued experimenting while she obliterated the remaining evidence that Barbara Gordon had ever been in Joker's workshop.
‘Well, Joker, I think I grew two inches today. If I hadn't made the scarf binding my wrists weaker than the weakest point of my body, your jack-in-the-box would have killed me. Now, I feel more or less intact. Bad news for you!' she said to herself once she was ready to move. ‘Time to look around.'
Her investigation gave her the chance to indulge a few whims before she was ready to leave. Then she heard something that made her freeze.
Someone was whistling in one of the nearby corridors and the whistling was getting louder. Batgirl shrank into a shadow and waited. Moments later, the whistling man passed her. He wore coveralls and carried a black bag. As he moved deeper into the factory, Batgirl followed.
They made their way to Joker's workshop where the man stood staring in the center of the room. Batgirl grinned and leaned a shapely hip against the doorjamb. "Looking for something?" she asked.
The startled man spun, looked at her and pointed as his jaw dropped open. "Hey!" he said.
"Surprise," she said, straightening and striding toward him purposefully. "Question time." He was still staring at her when she reached him. "Let's start with the basics. Who are you and what are you doing here?"
"Oscar," he said as sweat beaded on his brow. "I'm Oscar Conaway. Are you supposed to be here?"
"No. I'm not. Are you?"
"Well, I was hired to do a job."
"What kind of job?"
"I'm a taxidermist. This guy called me this morning and said he wanted me to sew some body parts together."
"You said ‘guy.' The caller was a man?"
"Yes."
"Who was he?"
"He said to call him Jay."
"Have you ever met him?"
"No."
"Have you worked for him before?"
"No."
"Why did you agree to work for him?"
"He was asking me to do something I am good at. He also told me he deposited a retainer in my bank account. I checked that out and it was on the level. It was generous enough that I didn't ask a lot of questions. Say, you're Batgirl! I'm pleased to meet you." He extended his hand.
"You almost didn't," she said, shaking his hand
"What?" he asked and thought for a moment. "Is this guy Jay on the level?"
"No."
"Oh, God. You mean, I was supposed to--"
Batgirl nodded silently.
"I'm so sorry." Oscar's expression hardened as the full realization of the nature of this "job" asserted itself upon him. "Who is this Jay?"
Batgirl favored him with a smile. "You don't want to know. I think you should talk to the police about this job he sent you on."
"I haven't done anything wrong. Have I?"
"I'm sure the police will overlook the trespassing."
"Oh," he said slowly. After a second he asked, "Can I keep the money?"
"Probably. Let's go."
"Can you give me a ride? I had to take a bus to a nearby intersection and walk. My wife has the van."
Batgirl grinned. "Sure, Oscar. I'd love to."
The ride on the Batgirlcycle was bumpy, but uneventful. Batgirl appreciated the care with which Oscar Conaway wrapped his arms around her abdomen. She noted how his hands gripped his wrists instead of using the opportunity to explore his companion. It was delightful to be dealing with a gentleman for a change. Of course, he was a married man.
At Police Headquarters, Commissioner Gordon listened to Batgirl's story and regarded the man the curvaceous crime fighter had brought in. "So," he said looking sternly at the man, "the man on the phone hired you to reassemble a body and you took the job without asking questions?"
Batgirl nodded and Oscar Conaway cowered under the Commissioner's scrutiny. "Yes, sir," he finally said.
"We ought to run you in for--" Chief O'Hara began.
"I have a better idea, Chief," Batgirl interrupted.
"What's that?" everyone asked at once.
"First, Oscar calls this man Jay and tells him the job was more complicated than he thought and he had to move the body parts after cleaning up the mess. He will deliver the trophy to the factory tonight. I'll surprise him after the delivery and wrap up this case."
"Would you be willing to make this exchange, Mr. Conaway?" the Commissioner asked.
"Do I need to show up for the exchange?"
"You will if you want the rest of the money he promised," Batgirl said.
"You'll let me keep it?"
"I'm sure the Gotham City Crimestoppers Fund will make up the difference to Joker's robbery victims if you help us put him behind bars."
"I'll do it. You must have had a horrible experience. And Jay's plans for afterwards were really horrible."
"Thank you, Mr. Conaway. I agree completely." Batgirl said.
"All right," Commissioner Gordon said. He leaned forward and picked up his phone. "Bonnie, have the next outgoing call on this line traced." He set the phone down and smiled. "We'll be ready for you in just a moment."
Once the Commissioner's secretary had advised him they were ready, Oscar Conaway did his duty and made the arrangements Batgirl had asked him to with Joker. "Thank you, Mr. Conaway. You are a credit to Gotham City."
"That pasty-faced prankster!" Chief O'Hara said after the taxidermist had gone. He was about to go on when the Commissioner's phone rang.
"Thank you, Bonnie," the Commissioner said after hanging up. "The call was to the honeymoon suite at the Gotham Hilton. I didn't know the suites had direct lines."
"Obviously one of the amenities of a luxury hotel," Batgirl said.
"Why didn't he use the Batman Hilton?" Chief O'Hara asked. "Isn't it closer to his hideout?"
"It is, Chief," Batgirl said, "but I don't see Joker staying at that property, ever."
"We're lucky to have tracked him," the Commissioner said.
"Can you find out if a man called Colonel John Smith is staying at the Gotham Hilton?" Batgirl asked. When the report came back negative, she tried again. "He may be calling himself Thomas Banacek."
Commissioner Gordon asked Bonnie to look into that possibility and quickly reported a businessman by that name was having a lunch meeting with clients that day.
"I found Banacek at the top of Joker's Christmas list when I searched his hideout."
"I'll blanket the building with a squad of men," O' Hara said. "We can coordinate forces and arrest him before he does anything to this Banacek."
"No, Chief. I want Joker to think he got away with this one."
"Why?"
"It will lull him into overconfidence I can capitalize on when I try to catch him tonight. I want him, gentlemen. I want him very badly." The steely quality of Batgirl's voice left no room for arguments.
"What about this Banacek?" Chief O'Hara asked.
"I won't let anything bad happen to Mr. Banacek or his guests."
"Hey, wait a minute," Chief O'Hara said. "Banacek is the world-famous, free-lance insurance investigator. I used to watch his adventures on television!"
"That's right!" Commissioner Gordon said snapping his fingers. "How could a television series character be having a lunch meeting at the Gotham Hilton today? Could he be an associate of Joker's, perpetrating an elaborate fraud?"
"I don't think so, somehow," Batgirl said slowly, "but I'll certainly ask. I'm planning to stop by and see him when I leave here."
"We'll play it your way, Batgirl." Commissioner Gordon said.
"Thank you for trusting me, Commissioner, Chief O'Hara," Batgirl said and left.
"Gotham City is lucky to have her, Chief."
"Sure an' it is, Commissioner."
Shortly thereafter, Thomas Banacek was enjoying breakfast in his suite at the Gotham Hilton. He rose to greet the purple clad crime fighter as she Batclimbed to the balcony outside. "Good morning," he said conversationally, opening the sliding door to admit her. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"
"Mr. Banacek?" Batgirl asked. "Or should I call you Colonel Smith?"
"Please call me Thomas. And you are?"
"I'm Batgirl."
"I've heard of you," he said sitting down again and gesturing toward a chair opposite him with a smile. "Would you like coffee?"
"No, thank you. I have reason to believe a local arch-criminal called The Joker may be targeting your lunch meeting today," she said sitting down.
Banacek lit a cigar and looked at her through a curtain of smoke. "Why would you think that, Batgirl?"
"He is giving holiday gifts to prominent citizens of Gotham City."
"But I'm not from Gotham City."
"I know. You're from Boston. However, the people you are meeting for lunch are local."
"I'm really from Los Angeles. My Banacek television character is from Boston. May I ask how you know so much about my business today?"
"Before I explain that, Thomas, would you help me understand how I can be talking to a television character?"
Banacek grinned. "In the late 1960s, Colonel John Smith was head of a crack commando team who stepped on some toes doing his job overseas. My people were framed and convicted by a military court, only to escape and survive as fugitive soldiers of fortune back home. Well, the soldier of fortune business dried up rather quickly and we all had to get real jobs. I took up insurance investigation and developed my Banacek persona since I was still a fugitive. I did a job for some Hollywood types and they took my cases, exaggerated them and turned them into part of The NBC Wednesday Night Mystery Movie. Well, I am a publicity hound. So I demanded they let me star in the show. It seemed like a better way to advance my acting career than the part time gig I had as the Aquamaniac. The investigation business gets slow sometimes, too."
"You were the Aquamaniac?"
"Sure. Anyway, I had become sort of respectable, but juggling acting, investigation and being a soldier of fortune was starting to stress me out. I went into semi-retirement and began looking at ways to get a Presidential pardon for Colonel Smith and his men. President George H. W. Bush came through for him finally and I sold the idea of Colonel Smith's fictionalized adventures to my Hollywood contacts.
"Hence, Banacek and the Colonel Smith characters are very similar?"
"Yes. Particularly since I insisted on playing him, too. Thanks for noticing. Anyway, when the series wrapped, I had created a new career for myself as a full-time celebrity. Recently though, I got tired of media attention and decided to go back into investigation. Banacek is a respected investigator, so I went back to using his name."
"Wow," Batgirl said. "So, who are you?"
"I don't know. Right now, I think of myself as Banacek. If I don't, I get confused myself."
"I see. Can I get a copy of your memoirs autographed?"
"I'll have to write them first. Now, I answered your question. How about mine?"
"I work closely with the police. Gotham City's media are buzzing about Banacek's visit."
"I'm living proof there is no such thing as bad press. How do you know my clients are from Gotham City?"
"I honestly didn't, until just now."
"All right, Batgirl, but if you didn't know, how would this Joker know?"
"The Gotham City Times publishes a gossip column written by a man named Jack O'Shea. He has been speculating about your meeting recently, as well as the rest of your social calendar."
"Wasn't he in prison?"
"He worked with a villainess called Catwoman and became famous overnight. He continued the column while he was inside and literally bought his way out. His column was syndicated a month later."
"See? There is no such thing as bad press. Seriously, though, why tell me about your Joker if I'm not his target?"
"You," she said hesitating, "or Banacek, arranged the meeting. His professional reputation could be harmed."
Banacek grinned and gestured grandly with his cigar. "I earned Banacek's professional reputation by being successful. Otherwise, no high profile clients would accept an invitation to lunch."
"Okay. If you are willing to work with me, we may be able to catch Joker together."
"You're proposing a partnership? Interesting. How would that work?"
"I propose to let Joker steal whatever he plans to steal at lunch. I guarantee it will be recovered within twenty-four hours, no matter what it is."
"So you want me to just let this Joker rob my guests."
"I'm afraid so."
"Why should I agree to do that?"
"Joker is a very dangerous man. He is capable of practically anything. If you interfere with him this afternoon, people will get hurt. My way keeps everyone safe, recovers any and all stolen property in a timely manner and puts the bad guys in jail for a long time."
Banacek smoked and considered her proposition. "I understand why you stopped by personally. You're asking a lot. Okay, listen. I'll go along with this because I know your reputation. That means when I promise my associates their property will be recovered, I can be certain it will. Besides, I like the publicity. But, I have to warn you, Thomas Banacek will hold this city responsible if I can't keep that promise. Since you work with the police, I think that stipulation is fair."
"I understand, Thomas. Thank you for your confidence."
"No problem. Now that we've gotten through that, may I invite you to stay for a little while? We could discuss investigative techniques and maybe make some news."
Batgirl smiled. "You're very kind, Thomas. O'Shea's column familiarized me with some of Banacek's more spectacular professional accomplishments, like locating missing airplanes, missing millions in cash and the rest. His column has also given me an impression of your non-professional reputation. That doesn't mean I find your invitation unflattering, but there may still be time to stop Joker before he disturbs your meeting."
"Once you've caught him, perhaps?"
"Unfortunately, my crime fighting leaves little time for social obligations."
"You know where to find me if you change your mind," he said philosophically. She hadn't said "no" after all.
"Goodbye, Thomas," Batgirl said, flashing him a smile as she showed herself out the way she had come.
"Batgirl," Banacek said.
"Yes, Thomas?"
"Since we're working closely together on this, what would you think if I started calling myself Batman?"
"I think you should consult Batman about that."
"What is your relationship with Batman?"
"Which one?" Before he could answer, she was gone.
"Nice," he said to himself, pulling his cigar from his mouth and laughing.
Batgirl endured another bone-rattling ride on the Batgirl cycle making her way home. There she filled her tub with a steaming bubble bath and slipped in to soak while she cleared her schedule for the day and drifted into deep, sensual, slumber.
Meanwhile, in the Gotham Hilton's honeymoon suite, Joker was ushering in his men. "Boss, this place is great," Rudolph said stepping inside and looking in every direction with wide eyes. "Do you mind if I look around?"
"Later. Elvina is changing." Joker said with a low chuckle and a gesture toward the sitting room.
Moments later, Elvina stepped into the sitting room, making a show of her cherry red bikini, which displayed her physical assets magnificently.
"What do you all think?" she asked.
"Wow!" the men said simultaneously as she turned slowly around.
"Elvina," Joker said, holding a lime green robe for her as she slid into it and knotted it loosely, "I've invited the boys here today to discuss the job this afternoon."
"Of course, Joker."
"We don't have time for a fashion show."
"But I got up early and went shopping for something to wear in the hot tub. I haven't had time to show you since you woke up. Not, mind you, that I think we've been wasting our time."
Joker laughed. "I agree. But, we need to go to work now."
"Wasn't I going to replace the server and let you and the others into Mr. Banacek's lunch meeting after dessert?"
"Precisely. Now, I need to make sure the boys know what to do after that," he explained with a laugh.
"I'll need to put on a server uniform before we go to work. This outfit will save time."
Elvina reinforced her arguments by leaning heavily against her boss. Inevitably, Joker gave in with a laugh. "All right, my dear. Sit down and we'll go over the details again." He guided his henchwoman to the arm of a recliner and stretched out. She lay her head on his shoulder and listened as he began to speak. When it was all over the men laughed heartily and enjoyed the spectacle of watching Elvina jiggle while she giggled.
Donna Paretsky stepped into the employee lounge and looked at her watch. She poured herself coffee and set it on a cocktail table before turning to put her lunch in the refrigerator. While her back was turned, Elvina, dressed as a server now, put a pill in Donna's coffee and stirred until it dissolved. She had moved away by the time Donna had turned back to the room.
"Hey, are you new?" Donna asked her apparent associate, as she put an apron on and sat down to drink her coffee.
"It's my first day," Elvina said, taking the coffeepot and sitting down on the other side of the table.
"Welcome to the club," Donna said, toasting her with the coffee.
"Thank you. Down the hatch." Elvina said pouring a cup and toasting her companion in return.
Donna finished her cup and swore, moving her extended hand to her head as she slumped over the table.
Elvina was behind her in an instant, checking on the effect of the drug. "Get in here," she said sharply. Rudolph and Nicholas moved quickly into the room and picked up the drugged server. Elvina stepped from the room to look up and down the hall. "All right, let's go," she ordered. The men carried their burden to a nearby service elevator Ebenezer was holding for them.
Joker himself met them on the suite level and motioned for them to bring the server into his sitting room. They stretched her out on a couch once the door had closed. "How did it go?" Joker asked.
"It was perfect, Joker. Your dream pill worked almost instantly."
Joker laughed and almost did a jig as his henchwoman giggled. "Excellent. Now, it's time for you to take her place. Be sure to call in after you serve dessert!"
"Of course, Joker."
"Hey, boss," Nicholas said. "Why don't we wake up this one and have a little fun?"
"I'm sorry, boys, my little pill will keep her out until long after we've gone," Joker said with a chuckle. Suddenly they all turned as Elvina slammed the door behind her. "Well, I'd say that got a reaction!" he said laughing.
"So we can wake her up?" Rudolph asked hopefully.
"Yes, but you need to fetch the canisters I left in the van first. She is going to be the bait in a harmless prank we'll arrange for the police once the job is done." Joker paused to favor his men with a low chuckle. "Oh, and be sure to use the service elevator. I want to surprise everyone." His gleeful chuckle had evolved into a laugh.
Later, Thomas Banacek was eyeing the sexy server who cleared the table as he and his guests were about to get down to business. "Are you ready for dessert?" she asked.
"Not just yet. Thank you. If we could get another pot of coffee, though, I'd appreciate it."
"Of course, Mr. Banacek."
"All right, Banacek. Let's cut through it. Lunch was fine, but I need to know how you think you can solve all three of our problems at the same time," Mr. Biertrinker said.
"Before I answer that, let's go over each of your problems. You, Mr. Biertrinker, are missing a baseball diamond from your city's new sports facility. Is that right?"
"Yes, my facility is publicly funded. So you can see the urgency of the situation. I can't have you distracted on other business while you look for it."
"I understand. Now, Ms. Blakely, you wanted me to find a young heiress who went missing during her college spring break. Correct?"
"That's right, Mr. Banacek. I need you. Surely you can see that."
"Of course. And Mr. Cairo is missing a rare exhibit which disappeared the night before it was to open at an American museum. Right?"
"That is correct. The repercussions of this incident are international. If the exhibit is not recovered quickly," he said, pausing dramatically. "Well, it could be profoundly bad."
"Naturally. I have just taken on some operatives whose help will enable me to work on all of your cases simultaneously.
"Who are these operatives?" Cairo asked.
"A new driver, a pilot and a very talented personal assistant, who thinks quickly on his feet."
"Have you decided whose retainer to donate to charity and which case to work on personally?" Ms Blakely asked.
"Almost, Ms. Blakely. I have a question first. Is the heiress hot?"
"You're a chauvinist," Biertrinker accused.
"Isn't everybody?"
"Perhaps we should have some dessert," Cairo said.
"She's very beautiful, Mr. Banacek," Ms. Blakely said. "Are you ready to answer my question?"
"I am. I'll take your case myself, but not for the reason you probably think."
"I'll bite, Banacek," Biertrinker said. "Why?"
"Because her case involves a human life."
Everyone was silent for a long moment before Mr. Cairo cleared his throat. "Is that your final decision, Mr. Banacek?"
"I'll let you know when we finish eating."
Elvina served dessert efficiently and seemed about to leave when she turned to address the room. "May I have your attention please?" Banacek held up a hand to prevent interruptions. "I'd like to announce the imminent arrival of that captain of comedy, that master of mirth, the Clown Price of Crime himself, the one, the only, Joker!" she said jumping up and down, happily clapping her hands and giggling.
The Joker, followed by his men, swept into the room, bowing deeply. "Thank you! Thank you! I appreciate that splendid introduction and preamble to another classic Joker entrance. That's right, friends, I am The Joker. You've met my lovely aide, Elvina. I can't seem to recall the names of all my other associates just now. Never mind." He paused to laugh. "We all hope you're as excited to see us as we are to see you because we came to give all of you a special holiday gift. I know what you are thinking. What could the jolly Joker have for me? The answer is a party. And no party is complete without streamers! Okay, boys, that's your cue. Don't forget to grab the goodies as you go by!"
Elvina had pulled a bag from beneath her cart and handed small packages to Nicholas, Mr. Kringle and Tiny Tim. These men handed a wrapped package complete with ribbons and a bow to each guest while Elvina set one in front of Banacek. Joker pulled a tiny remote control from his pocket and pushed a button. Each of the presents clicked and burst, releasing the same type of sticky streamers that bound Batgirl the previous evening . The men who had passed out the gifts wrapped each victim securely. As they worked, Rudolph, Mr. Cratchet and Ebenezer collected wallets, jewelry and the briefcases containing the retainers the clients were paying Banacek. Joker laughed, shaking vigorously. Ms. Blakely screamed and fainted, held upright only by her sticky bindings. Elvina attended to Banacek and allowed him to keep the hand he had raised for silence in the air. When she had finished, he used his free hand to select a new cigar, as his previous one had been knocked to the floor by the exploding "present."
"Do allow me," Joker offered.
"Thanks," Banacek said.
"Would you like one of mine?"
"I don't think so." Joker lit the investigator's cigar and smiled as Banacek blew smoke at him.
"How's that?"
"Great." Banacek blew a smoke ring and regarded the white-faced villain. "You know, you really are on the jazz."
"Really? Why do you say that?"
"Because you think I'll let you get away with this. And you're dead wrong."
"You really think so?" Joker asked.
"That's right, pal. I'm going to recover everything you stole from my guests and me within a day."
"Tough talk."
"Tougher on you when I deliver."
"Well, lucky me. Before you can make good on that ridiculous boast, you have to get loose." Joker laughed uproariously and motioned to his men. "Let's go, Elvina, boys." They filed from the room with their loot.
"See you soon," Banacek called after them with a grin.
"This is outrageous, Mr. Banacek," Mr. Cairo said.
"Not to worry. I was serious about recovering your money. I'll have it within a day and be able to make arrangements to get it back to you."
"How can we be sure of this?" Biertrinker asked.
"To demonstrate how reliable I am, I'll break out of here and free all of you in less than an hour." As he spoke, Banacek turned his cigar around and was applying the lit end to his bonds.
"I believe you might," Cairo said. "Is there anything else we should know?"
"Sure. Joker doesn't know it, but I'm working with Batgirl."
"In that case, I trust you," Biertrinker said.
Banacek grinned. "Nice," he said.
Once he was free, he called the police and turned his attention to the others.
Chief O'Hara personally led a team of Gotham City police and hotel security as they prepared to raid the Gotham Hilton honeymoon suite. The head of hotel security knocked on the door and, after getting no response, used his master key. The men moved into the sitting room and spotted the server, Donna, bound and gagged on the sofa. She saw them coming and shook her head. They ignored her and could not help inhaling the laughing gas released when they untied her.
"My best men were left slapping their knees for the rest of the afternoon," O'Hara said early that evening in Commissioner Gordon's office, "and me with them!"
"Your prompt work kept innocent citizens from getting hurt, Chief," Batgirl said.
"Amen to that," Commissioner Gordon said. He leaned over to respond to his intercom. "Yes, Bonnie." He paused. "Thank you. Send him in."
Oscar Conaway walked in, wearing his coveralls. "I'm ready when you are," he announced.
"Good. Thank you again, Mr. Conaway," Batgirl said.
"Do we need to make any contact with this man Jay before you deliver Batgirl?" Chief O'Hara asked.
"No."
‘Then let's go," Batgirl said.
She crouched in the back of an unmarked van, stretching and preparing for the battle that would come as Oscar Conaway drove to Joker's hideout. "We're here," Conaway announced and blew the horn.
A panel door opened and Conaway pulled in the garage. Joker waited with his men beyond the door. He wore gloves to hide his hands and hid his face in the shadow of a purple fedora. "Good evening, Oscar," Joker greeted him. "So, how did the work go?"
"I think you'll be pleased, Jay." Conaway stepped from the van and moved to open the back doors. "Here's your girl."
Batgirl, motionless and holding her breath, lay on a pallet with arms stretched above her head and legs together. Joker laughed and quickly motioned for his men to come and look. "Beautiful!" Joker said quaking with uncontrollable laughter for a moment. "She's beautiful! Oscar, I couldn't be more pleased. Come. Let me get the rest of your money. Boys, move the body into the other van." As Joker thought he might have need of Oscar's services again someday, the taxidermist drove away happily fifteen minutes later.
Batgirl continued to lay motionless while the men moved her to a second unmarked van, with Joker looking over what he believed to be Oscar's handiwork. He laughed again. "Now, I'll need to compose an appropriate card to give to the police with her pretty corpse. Meanwhile, you wrap it up with ribbons and bows. When you've finished, I'll be down to position the card and look over the total package!" He departed with a merry laugh.
Batgirl smiled in the darkness. This was perfect. She had been looking forward to spending time alone with Joker's men, this time on her terms. They had taken certain liberties with her before Joker had left her to die. She had decided to repay the men for their actions personally, because her reputation would inevitably become involved. Lines needed to be drawn. As she saw it, her capture and disposal were part of the game. The rest was out of bounds. It was payback time and she was waiting for the perfect moment to collect.
Tiny Tim provided that opportunity. He leaned over and slid a hand slowly along her side, bringing it to rest on her hip. The realization that her body was warm brought a frown to his face, but his eyes bulged when her body moved. He stared speechless as she drew her knees to her chest and set her feet against his groin. "No, no, no," she said, quietly wagging her finger at the hulking thug and grinning. Realization struck him as she thrust him outward and sent him crashing into the cinder block wall. He hit it hard and slid to the floor silently.
Bob Cratchet and Chris Kringle came to investigate and found the back of the van empty. As they stared at one another in disbelief, Batgirl leaped upon them from above and cracked their heads together audibly. Stunned, they offered no resistance as she threw them to the hard concrete floor and dragged them away into the shadows.
Nicholas and Rudolph came next and marveled at the emptiness of the van. Each whispered for one of his colleagues and stood listening for a response that did not come. "Where is everyone?" Rudolph asked.
As if in response, he felt his legs cut from beneath him and hit the floor hard. Nicholas spun around in time to feel Batgirl drive a shoulder into his abdomen and propel him hard into the panel door. He gasped breathlessly. "Does that hurt?" she asked. He gasped again as she did something to the nerve endings of one arm that sent a wave of pain all over his body. Robbed of balance, he collapsed. "Good. I'll get back to you." Then she was gone. As she moved to subdue Ebenezer, she cracked Rudolph's head against the floor.
Ebenezer was just climbing into the van when Batgirl wound an arm around his upper body and pulled him off balance. He fell heavily cracking his head against floor. "You're mine, Ebenezer," she said softly. Recognition illuminated his face and paled transforming into fear as she fell upon him like an avenging angel. "I've been looking forward to seeing you again." Her voice was quiet and matter of fact. It seemed to Ebenezer there was no humor there at all.
Ebenezer's fear turned to terror as he felt himself pulled upward. "You're dead, Bat-spirit!"
"Then this won't hurt a bit," Batgirl said and began the systematic demolition of Joker's thugs.
Ebenezer realized instantly Batgirl was quite alive and still more than a match for he and the rest of Joker's hired help. As she worked him over, Batgirl spoke to him quietly, reminding him of her reasons for every blow. He tried blocking her attacks at times and counterattack at others, but she pounded away his defenses and evaded his counter punches with ease. "I am enjoying our reunion," she said as his resistance finally evaporated altogether. "Who's next?"
One by one, Batgirl got the remaining goons to their feet and subjected them to a prolonged beating. The normal efficiency of her attacks was missing. She was not trying merely to subdue, but to cause pain and injury as she pounded away at the bruises she caused, turning the tissue beneath to mush. When she had beaten the fight from one man, she would move to another. As she made the rounds a second time, she pressed her attack until they could no longer stand. For the third go-round she balanced them against the van, mercilessly battering them until she knew things had broken and would take time to heal. These men were to be object lessons. She wanted to be certain she would never be subjected to the type of treatment to which she objected. These examples needed to be blatant to ensure the message could not be misunderstood.
She felt good as she tossed the broken men unceremoniously into the van. "Gentlemen," she said to them. "Now that we understand one another, I am hereby ordering you to remain here until I can arrange for the police to formally take you into custody. There you will be given any medical attention you may need. You will all obey me, because if you don't, I will hunt you down and be very angry when I find you. Are we clear?" The men lay silently in their broken heap. "I didn't hear your answer and I'm not going to ask again," she said starting to climb into the van. Quickly each mumbled a response and was relieved to see the perturbed paragon back from the van and slam the door.
Batgirl paused on her way to Joker's meeting room. She had to admit she had enjoyed destroying Joker's men. They deserved it and a lot more. She took a deep breath and waited for her pulse to slow. It was time to put her anger in check. She had punished the men who had wronged her. What she had done might not have been strictly legal, but she would be able to put the incident behind her with a clear conscience. The chance to do what she had just done was the main reason she had allowed Joker to rob Banacek that afternoon. She would lose no sleep over that crime either. She deserved her vengeance. She had threatened to make all of them pay and made good on her threat. It was time to be professional. The common thugs would be charged and might challenge their arrest based on her actions, but the possibly of their court-ordered release was compensated for by the fear her actions would generate. She had no complaints. The courts had to deal with Joker and his girl. While the thought of beating Joker into a pile of red paste was tempting, she knew she could not let herself do it. A judge would take care of him. That was the way it should be, the way it HAD to be. "Okay," she said. "Time to get Joker."
The villain was composing a card at the table in the main room he and his gang had used in the hideout. He burst out laughing. "Oh, Elvina, wait until you see what I am going to give the police this morning for Christmas! And after that, we'll turn our attention to the mayor!" He laughed again.
"I can't wait, Joker."
"I'm afraid you'll have to," Batgirl said. "Your present for the police won't be delivered, but you will!"
"But, you're dead!" Joker stammered. He turned to Elvina. "Quick, send for the men!"
"Sorry, Joker. I've already dealt with them. Now, it's your turn, " she said, slamming her fist into her gloved hand.
"Elvina, get her!"
Batgirl stared at her, shaking her head.
"Are you kidding?" Elvina said. "That looks like blood on her knuckles!"
"It's all over, Joker. Give it up."
Joker retreated behind Elvina. "I still have my anti-Bat countermeasures. You're an apparition! You have to be! I killed you! There was no escape!!"
"You wish I was an apparition, Joker." She took a step toward him and slammed her fist into her glove again. "I turned your men into piles of amorphous meat. Just imagine what I'm about to do to you." Batgirl grinned at the naked fear in Joker's eyes. There was no harm in scaring him a little, was there?
"No! You can't," Elvina said, tugging one of the bell pulls.
Sticky streamers fell from the ceiling and quickly enveloped them both. "You fool!" Joker shouted. "We've lost now!"
Batgirl stood and laughed while Joker glared at his lady as both tried unsuccessfully to free themselves. Batgirl stepped toward them again and slammed her fist into her gloved palm mercilessly.
"I don't understand. I pulled the one I was supposed to and the wrong pinata burst open," Elvina said.
"I made a few alterations after I escaped," Batgirl said. "I hope you like them. I know I do." As she spoke, Batgirl advanced on her prisoners, slamming her fist into her palm with each step.
"Don't hurt me!" Joker begged shrilly.
Batgirl regarded him, resting her hands on her hips and spreading her legs to shoulder-width. "Is there some reason I shouldn't, after everything you did and tried to do?"
"You're one of the good guys!" Joker said too quickly. "You can't torture me! Good guys just throw crooks back in jail!"
"You sound pretty sure of that," she said.
"But--"
"Let's go over the record. First of all, don't imagine for one second I've forgotten about your tickling machine. Next, just since Passion and Ecstasy released you from the penitentiary, you've robbed: a department store, the holiday crowd at the parade preview, Mr. Banacek and his clients. You attacked me; held me against my will; let your men have their way with me, albeit in a limited way; and tried to kill me with your jack-in-the-box. Finally, I just overheard you talking about targeting the mayor." Batgirl leaned toward him as she spoke and watched him cringe.
"But--"
"And," Batgirl said, "that's not including the plan you didn't tell Elvina about."
"What is she talking about, Joker?" the other woman asked.
"Nothing," Joker said too quickly, trying to bring a chuckle to his throat without success.
"You arranged to have my dismembered body sewn back together and stuffed like a hunter's trophy, so you could have it delivered to the police," Batgirl said.
"Is she serious?" Elvina asked incredulously.
"He carefully put you out of the room when he explained it to me. Any reference he made to it in your presence was veiled." Batgirl said.
"Is this true?" Elvina's voice had taken on an inquisitorial tone.
"Of course not," Joker said. "Who are you going to believe? Me, your boss, or Batgirl, our sworn enemy?"
"Why would I lie?" Batgirl asked quietly, blunting the prosecutorial edge of her voice.
Elvina thought about it and lowered her head. "You're a monster, Joker. Now that she's beaten you, you're pathetic."
"How dare you!" Joker said.
"Shut up!" the women told him simultaneously.
"Batgirl, I think I'd like you to get me out of these streamers so I can report this monster to the police. Once he has been put away, I‘d be only too pleased to testify against him."
"Elvina," Joker said warningly. Batgirl stepped toward him and shot a straight punch into his jaw that silenced him instantly. The sticky strands did not effect her at all.
"Thank you," Elvina said. Batgirl stepped to Elvina's position and began to disentangle her from the terrible tendrils. "Why aren't you stuck like we are?"
"I was able to analyze the sticky residue on my costume and develop a counteragent I coated myself with before I came back tonight."
"Very clever." Elvina stepped from the restraints and turned to Joker. "Goodbye, Joker," she said.
"I'll get you for this, Elvina!"
"I can't believe I'm admitting this, but you've had me, Joker. Several times." Elvina felt the look she gave him should have incinerated him instantly, but it did not. "I'm looking forward to calling the cops. I'll be ready to go when you are finished beating him up. You don't mind if I watch, do you?"
"I'm not going to touch him, Elvina."
"What do you mean? Why not?"
"I know Joker is a dangerous man, capable of almost anything, but I also know he is sick and needs help. I look at him with a mixture of fear and pity. Maybe the authorities will be able to spend the time required to help him. The treatment he needs requires time and commitment. If we take steps too quickly to punish him before he has his day in court, the public will lose hope. There will be nothing anyone can do to make Joker into a productive citizen and if that were to happen, we would have failed."
"When you put it like that, Batgirl, I have to agree. I'm sorry."
"No problem. Let's go."
"Wait!" Joker shouted after them, without evoking a response.
They made their way to a phone. Batgirl dialed and handed it to Elvina. "Hello. My name is Elvina. You can pick up Joker and his gang at your convenience." She gave the address and answered questions before hanging up. "Well, I guess that does it then."
"Not quite." As Batgirl spoke she snapped a pair of Batcuffs on Elvina's wrists.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm placing you under arrest."
"I just rolled over and gave up everyone!"
"Yes, you did. I appreciate the gesture, however, you were a key member of Joker's gang. You enabled Joker to infiltrate the police ranks at Gotham Square Gardens and kept me from capturing him there. You were an accomplice to my attempted murder. You checked Joker into his suite at the Gotham Hilton. He couldn't have done that by himself. The suite enabled him to disrupt Mr. Banacek's lunch meeting, rob his guests and waylay police and hotel security. None of them could do their jobs for most of this afternoon. You also helped with the Banacek robbery. I cannot just let you go," Batgirl said.
Elvina bowed her head and raised her hands to sob quietly into them as she sank into a cushioned chair. "I've been such a fool," she said as her shoulders shook. "I'll tell you were the Banacek loot is." She led Batgirl to it after a few more minutes of sobbing. "Can't we work something out, considering everything that has just happened?"
Batgirl smiled at her. "You and I can't, but I will be happy to tell the judge about your help. With what you've done and what I plan to say, I think you can plan on a much lighter sentence than Joker and his men. You have a lot more going for you than the usual empty-headed bimbos Joker recruits."
"Thank you, Batgirl." she said smiling. "I appreciate everything you are doing for me."
They heard the wail of an approaching siren. "I need to go," Batgirl said. "Wait for the police here. If they have to work at capturing you after I leave, I'll give you no help with the judge."
"I'll be right here when they arrive."
The next morning Harry Upps had a very special in-studio guest on his highly rated morning show. "I'd like to introduce world famous free-lance insurance investigator Thomas Banacek. Mr. Banacek was in Gotham City yesterday to donate his retainer from one high profile client to charity. He has chosen the Blakely Group and had an adventure while making that decision."
"Good morning, Harry," Banacek said.
"The Blakely Group Charities do marvelous work. Tell us about it." Harry Upps conducted an interview in which he revealed Joker was behind the store robbery from two nights ago and the incidents at the Gotham Hilton. "After the break, Mr. Banacek will explain how he helped Batgirl bring one of Gotham City's most colorful arch-criminals to justice. Before we hear from one of our sponsors, quickly, how would you characterize your efforts?"
"All I can say, in the time you've given me, Harry, is: I love it when a plan comes together," Banacek said and grinned at the camera before a Stay Dry Umbrella ad filled the screen.
This episode is my tribute to the late George Peppard, who played Banacek on NBC from 1972-1974 and borrowed liberally from the character to portray Hannibal Smith. Producer Howie Horowitz worked on both ‘Banacek' and ‘Batman.’ Pictures appearing in this episode were taken from The A-Team Resource Page.
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