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| Welcome back to Kathy's Advice Kolumn! Let's continue our education in human nature, shall we? |
Click on the back button to submit a question to Kathy. |
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| "Boris" from Bulgaria writes: Dear Kathy, I noticed you haven't been dropping your linens at my dry-cleaning store lately. Come in before Saturday, and I give you a ten percent discount on your entire ticket. Stain removal extra. Dear "Boris", I'd rather eat live worms than do business with a snake like...did you say a ten percent discount? Hmmm...make it a twenty percent discount, and I'll throw in a free pot roast with garlic potatoes. See... I'm easy to please! |
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| "Tanya" from Bloor Street writes: Dear Kathy, Hi! Wow, I can't believe you said I could write you a question! Okay, here goes: It looks like those temp days are behind me. I'm due for a HUGE raise next month, and I'll also receive full health benefits as a permament employee with AT & Love. I can't help but feel I'm being favored over the other "girls" who have worked in the same office for several years, and never saw a raise in their life. Should I tell them my news, or keep it my little secret? Dear "Tanya", You're so full of beans! Go ahead and share the joy with your fellow co-workers, then run like hell and don't look back for fear a fine-point pen might lodge its self somewhere between your eyeballs and your perm. After a day or two, come back to work, sit in the corner quietly reading your Cosmo magazine, and act like the news never happened. Trust me- all will be forgiven in the end. Hope this helps! |
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| "Gunthar" of Iceland writes: Dear Kathy, I am overweight and feeling depressed most days. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and wish a bomb would drop on my house. Other times, I hope a volcano would rip open my front yard, and swallow me whole. Any advice? Dear "Gunthar", Well, first of all, I'd have to advise you to get the hell out of Iceland A-SAP, and move to a warmer climate. The Turks and Caicos islands come to mind. You might find a diet rich in fruits and fiber will help you lose weight, and the tropical ladies will certainly take away the blues. Now for those doomsday senario wishes of yours, I'd suggest several years of Psychotherapy. Chances are you were either raised by hippies, or you were tormented by an older sister very early on. It's just a guess! |
| "Kitten" from Colorado writes: Dear Kathy, I'm seventeen, and my Mother forbids me to ski in the nude. I am like so bummed about this. It's the only way I can get a complete tan, but she doesn't see it that way. Can you help me convince her she's wrong? Dear "Kitten", First, don't you think you'd be a little chilly skiing in the nude, dear? Second, that little ski cap and head band won't keep you a bit warm. You might catch a cold! Listen to your Mother- it's like the secret, undiscovered 5th Law of the Universe: she's right, she will always be right, and you will always be wrong no matter if you live to be one hundred and ninety-four. Hope this helps, you little ski- bunny tart! By the way, do you know my coworker Tanya? |
| "Hopeless" from Halifax writes: Dear Kathy, I have had a few blind dates lately, and so far, no one has called me back. Is it my new haircut, or perhaps my garlic breath? Dear "Hopeless", Well, unless it's a really unusual haircut, like a mohawk or a spike, then I'd say that would be the problem. But garlic breath is always a sure bet to scare off the potential mate, too! Try this test: If your hair is attracting punk bands, gel it down or wear a wig. If your breath is attracting flies, eat tic-tacs often. Buy a tongue scraper for extra fresh breath, and don't forget to floss! |
| "Catching My Breath" from Washington, D.C. writes: Dear Kathy, My wife is a nympho, and she's wearing me out. I'm "packing-a-plenty" to keep her satisfied, but I feel like I'm trying to keep up without an oxygen tank! Although generally an enviable situation, I'm finding it hard to finish my opera, and I'm missing my Ebay auctions every hot-filled night. What should I do? Dear "Catching my Breath", My, what most men wouldn't give just to walk a mile in YOUR moccasins! All I can suggest is this: make sure you have a decent life insurance policy, a good firm mattress and LOTS of Gatorade by the nightstand. Good luck on that opera. Hey, you might want to auction your wife on E-bay! Did I say that? Good Lord, turn back the clock on Women's Rights a few hundred years, Kathy! |
| ©2003 Two Fifths KITH |
| Sandy from Sausalito, CA writes: Dear Kathy, I am a huge fan of Barbara Streisand. I would give anything to speak to her! She is incredible. I tried writing her, but she won't write back. I tried contacting her agent, and they won't answer my calls. Any advice on how to get through to her? Dear "Sandy", Oh dear, you are just banging your head against a brick wall with this one. I read that Babs often slaps court orders on her fans for stalking, faster than they can spell Yentl! My advice is to ditch Babs, and go for fresher game, like Jewel. Or better yet, try the old Diva standbys like Cher or Anne Murray. They'll write to you via e-mail without firewalls or block sender messages. Babs, take a hike. Anne, you're still dynomite! Something something little bluebird fly away... la di da di da di daaaa! |
| "Stripper 1" from Calgary, Alberta writes: Dear Kathy, I am a professional exhibitionist, or to the lay person, a stripper. It is my hobby and my work. What can I say? I like to tease and please desperate, middle-aged men for a living. It's my life. Unfortunatley, my current and fourth husband, Stanley, has "issues" with my line of profession. How can I convince him what I'm doing isn't immoral or trashy? PS- I wear nylon tassels, attached with quality glue, none of which is tested on animals. Dear "Stripper 1", Wow. My oh my. Goodness me. Golly day. Glue not tested on animals? Well, the folks at PETA will thank you for that one, dear. Let me say that Stanley has either got to be the dumbest bunny on the planet, or you gave him one good snow-job, deary. Fourth husband? Okay, focus Kathy....stripping is degrading and dehumanizing for mature women. Sluts yes. Mature, intelligent women, no. Now YOU MUST know Tanya! |
| "Passion Flower" from San Francisco, CA writes: Dear Kathy, I can't decide what sex I want to sleep with. I mean, I tried men and they bored me. I tried women, and they got on my nerves. The men weren't creative enough in the sack, and the women were so damn picky about everything- even down to the smell of the fabric softner on the sheets. What should I do? Join a Convent? Dear "Passion Flower", Girl, I completely understand. Not too many of my coworkers know this , but I prefer a "bit of both" from time to time. It's true! When the menu seems- how do you say- bland, it's time to change restaurants. Move to another city before you join the Nunnery. Better yet, go on a singles cruise and screw like there's no tomorrow. Why, even the Captain of my singles cruise had his way with me in his quarters, and when he called for room service, the waitress joined right in. Talk about your Smorgasbord! Ahem. Change of venue on the menu, girl. That's all I'm saying. My lips are sealed- sort a. |
| "Hugh" from Montreal writes: Dear Kathy, I am 300 pounds, balding and middle-ages. How can I convince my wife I am still sexy after all these years? Merci. Dear "Hugh", First, lose about 100 pounds. Second, rub a little Rogaine into that scalp five times a day, and third, pretend to have a mistress at work. Trust me- she'll want you like there's no tomorrow. However, if she doesn't want you, then call me. I'm not picky! |
| "Mr. Smith" from AT & Love writes: Dear Kathy, I've got a huge crush on you. I stalk you at the water cooler and when you walk to your car for lunch. Sometimes I sneak into the ladies room when you take a pee-break. Ever notice me in the stall next to you? Every move you make, every breath you take... I'll be watching you... Dear "Mr. Smith", OH - NOW I know why I see men's feet pointing toward the toilet in the stall next to me, every now and then! I thought that was Cathy! She likes to wear men's shoes and pee standing up....hey, who IS this? What department do you work in? Do you know Bob Beaver? Is this CATHY?? I'll get you for this! |
| "Shania" from Nashville, TN writes: Dear Kathy, I am feeling dried up in the country music circuit. All the new female acts are sexier, blonde and a lot more sluttier than I ever could be. Please help me crawl back to the top- in fact, get me TO the top. I like it on top. I need it on top. I AM the top. Dig? Dear "Shania", Sorry deary. I don't do yesterday's news. But if I did, I'd say there was only one way to be number one again: Follow the steps of Anne Murray. She'll show you the way. She knows how to play the game, and make a comeback like nobody's business. Well, her and Helen Reddy. And Olivia Newton John. And Juice Newton. And Rosanne Cash. Take your pick. |
| "Osama" from Afghanistan writes: Dear Kathy, I have a problem with my friend, Saddam. He won't help me overthrow the Americans. He says they might hire him to contract oil exports one day. As if! Any advice? Dear "Osama", First, come out of that cave you're in and get some sun. You look like the Ghost of Islam Past. Second, forward your friend's address to me, and I will have a chat with him personally. You do realize that once I collect the reward money, I'm quitting AT&Love, right? Hurry before this transmission is intercepted. Thanks! |