Top Ten Creative Uses for Duct Tape in Smallville - phantom_minuet
Top Ten Unknown Secrets from Lex's Dark Past - Shy
Top Ten Things Clark Is Just Dying to Say to Lex - Grey Roses
Top Ten Clever Ploys Clark Could Use to Get Lex Naked - Jackbugger
Extra: "Wow, Lex, that's one flaming shirt...." Clark squints funny. "Lex! You're on fire!" Quickly putting him out, Clark pretends to be dismayed that his latest power destroyed Lex's whole outfit.... - Jackbugger
Top Ten Ways For Lex to Casually Slip "Buggery" into Conversation - Jackbugger
Top Ten Phallic Objects You Want to See on the Show - Shy
Top Ten Resolutions that Were Not Passed by the Smallville Town Council - phantom_minuet
Top Ten Other Ways Clark and Lex Could Have Met (ho-yay style) - Shy
Top Ten Illicit Rituals Lana Performs at Her Parents' Graves - madmouth
Top Ten "Buffy" Scenes/Episodes, "Smallville" Style - Slashgirl
10. Taping Lana's mouth shut. - outside the box
9. Taping Pete to the camera in such a way that he's never out of frame. - outside the box
8. Clark likes to use it on Lex, because it isn't nearly as noisy or abrasive as handcuffs. - phantom_minuet
7. Taping Chloe's hair wings down. - wileykit666
6. Taping Bo's shotgun to the ceiling so he can't reach it when the Clex announces their engagement. - AlejandraDD
5. Taping Lana's wrists and ankles together after you kidnap her...although, come to think of it, you could just use regular scotchtape, because it's not like she'll try to escape, really. We know from experience that she'll just stay there and cry/beg.... - isabou
4. Gumming up the soundtrack machine so they can't play any more of that alt-crap rock. - kleenexwoman
3. Locking all doors/windows in Lex's castle. Well, it would explain why it's so easy for just about anybody to walk right in! - isabou
2. Taping show bible down permanently on the Clex page so that the writers will write nothing but Clex episodes. - Cynthia187
1. Taping Lionel's blue balls together. Wouldn't want him to lose them when Lex is around.... - Shy
10. There were pictures of him wearing plaid but he burned them. Lionel still has the negatives to keep him line. - Elrond50
9. He once bottomed for Nick Carter. - kleenexwoman
8. For a very short while, in his late teens, he actually thought he was straight.... - isabou
7. He once experimented with hair plugs. And not on his head. - wileykit666
6. The teddy bear under his pillow - its name is Kal...hmmm.... - Spiderine
5. At one point, he had dresses in his closet. - Cynthia187
4. He knew all the words to "Do The Bartman." - wileykit666
3. Before someone told him better, he thought cappuccino was a cool hip drink, rather than the suburban old-lady coffee it is. - suzycat
2. Lex ran away to join the circus, but he was sent home in disgrace, when he demanded a sportier clown car. - phantom_minuet
1. Lex is not really bald. Maintaining the look is just a ploy to get his father's attention. Also, the ladies like it. - suzycat
10. On your knees, NOW! - Elrond50
9. Shut up and blow me. - edie22
8. "Lex? You're not always staring at my pants just because you want to buy me properly-tailored ones, are you?" - Jackbugger
7. Actually, it doesn't hurt. - suzycat
6. "Lex, did you know the age of consent in Iowa is fourteen? Road trip!" - phantom_minuet
5. Lex, can you use your influence and contacts to have Lana killed? - adellyna
4. I sure hope you've been eyef**king me for the same reason I've been eyef**king you.... - Jackbugger
3. Oh for God's sake, just KISS me! - suzycat
2. Aren't you tired of wearing the same four outfits? Wouldn't you rather be naked? - justjoan
1. "Against the car again?" - Jackbugger
10. "Hey Lex, I just read in GQ that naked is the new purple." (TM adellyna) - isabou
9. "Oh, no! I've accidentally knocked you into the Old Kent Slurry Pit. Time to get you out of those stinky clothes...." - suzycat
8. Lex. I wanna sex you up. - Cynthia187
7. For my biology class, I've decided to write a paper about baldness and its effect on people's sex life. Want to help me with the research? - isabou
6. "You might as well go ahead and take your clothes off, Lex. I can see right through 'em." - phantom_minuet
5. Hearing Lex's car pull up, Clark faced the loft window and kept doing his Special Thing (tm kstanley), pretending not to notice the sound of Lex climbing the stairs and walking up behind him. "Lex..." he whispered, turning round when Lex gasped. "Lex! Ohhhhh... Oh. Oh, Lex! I'm so sorry I spooged all over you! Come on, let's get those clothes off. Good thing we have plenty of time to get them washed before my parents come home." - Jackbugger
4. Come on, Lex! You HAVE to be naked to naked-mud-wrestle! - AlejandraDD
3. Clark could play strip poker with Lex. With the X-ray vision, there's really no way that Clark could lose.... - isabou
2. Lex and Clark go to see The Lost Boys in the Smallville movie theater (shhh...I'm sure they have one) and through all the homoerotic subtext in the movie, they get really horny and break at least 15 points of the Kansas No Gay Sex Statute, while naked! Wait, why does this sound so pleasantly familiar.... - adellyna
1. "Lex, NO ONE wears Speedos any more. You'll be under water! Nobody will look!" - suzycat
10. "Lex, how do you like Dad's new purple bug zapper?" "I like it a lot, Clark. Of course, you know how fond I am of all things buggery." - phantom_minuet
9. Well, bugger me, Clark. I seem to have forgot my speedos. - DCookKC
8. Lex: "Hey Clark, I really hate to bugger you, but…" Clark: "It's alright, Lex--Wait, what did you say?" Lex: "Hm?" Clark: "Nevermind. What is it?" Lex: "Well, I don't want to be a bother, but there's a big buggery in my bedroom, and I have this phobia. Could you take care of it for me? Clark?" Clark: "Huh? Oh, yeah, phobia. Sure, I'll come." Lex: "You don't mind? I still don't want to bugger you...." Clark: "Er.. No, I don't mind." Lex: "Well, I guess if you're okay with it…." - Grey Roses
7. Lex: "God, I wish you'd just take charge and bugger me...." Clark: "What?! Lex, did you just say...?" Lex: Uh, just talking to myself, Clark. These new freight charges are bugger- bugging me." Clark: "Oh. Well, I feel dorkier than usual. I could have sworn you said 'buggery.'" - Jackbugger
6. Lex: "F*ck me if I'm wrong, but you want to bugger me." - joyfulgirl41
5. Clark, how's your grammar? I'm trying to conjugate a word, bug. I bug, you bug, we bugger...What? Bug is a noun? Well, bugger me. - firestarter
4. Clark, say this three times fast: I chased a bug around a tree.... - wileykit666
3. Clark, I've come to bug, er, remind you to bring by my newest shipment of organic cucumbers. - adellyna
2. Well, when I was your age Clark, you know what I liked? Buggery, buggery, buggery! Although, actually, I still like it quite a bit. - DCookKC
1. Clark to Lex: "Bugger! Pie-or me!" - Slashgirl
10. Lex - Oh, yeah. We already get to see him! - Shy
9. Luthor Tower Of Power - Bulletproof Monk
8. Since garage space at the manor must be tight, how about a new two seater crotch rocket? Lex: "Hang on tight, Clark!" - DCookKC
7. More Kent Farm organic produce deliveries to Lex: carrots, cucumbers, corn, Clark's cock…. - Jackbugger
6. Lex's "PowerPoint" Presentation - Minders
5. I'm not fussy. Some regular, real-life phalluses would be fine with me. No need to think up fancy ways to represent them with phallic objects. Just whip 'em on out, boys. Hey, it's less work for the writers, and I can't see anyone here complaining…. - emelerin
4. A massive, muscular Kryptonite-mutated worm, which Clark will have to clutch between his thighs and wrestle. For an hour. - suzycat
3. A rare hybrid armadillo - Jackbugger
2. Lex gets a new brand of water bottle: Buggery Springs, which is long, pink and embossed with stylish veins. For no reason at all, Dominic starts fainting at business meetings. - madmouth
1. Silos, baby. Lots and lots of silos. - phantom_minuet
10. Lana to the electric chair - MrsTomWelling
9. Hotgaymonkey!sex is fine as long as videotapes are made for those less fortunate. - Grey Roses
8. Resolution 69: All oral sex must be simultaneously reciprocal . Would have passed, too, if Lex and Clark had testified before the council. Unfortunately, they got carried away rehearsing their testimony and missed the entire session. - phantom_minuet
7. Resolutions 6 and 7 were voted down in a single session: 6. Organic farming shall be banned in Smallville; 7. Non-organic farming shall be banned in Smallville. Both resolutions were introduced by minions of Lionel trying to sow dissention between Lex and the Kents. Fortunately everyone in Smallville who hasn't been paid to think otherwise considers the Clex a really cute couple. - Jackbugger
5. The Annual Ass Cleavage Festival Resolution sponsored by Lex Luthor...DENIED! - Bulletproof Monk
4. Whining about one's smooshed parents for more than three years after they have been flattened is strictly forbidden. Would have passed, but Lana took the council out to eat at IHoP, after which they forgot all about it. - ZigStar
3. Not passed: Be it resolved, the town council shall adopt a standard driving age for Smallville and its environs, and all residents shall have to abide by it. - firestarter
2. Not passed: Whitney is not allowed to drive. Pretty much a moot point since he was BUSED off to the army. - Shy
1. Not passed: Renaming the town Slashville! It was a close vote, though. Lex and Clark got tangled in the voting booth and…. - Shy
10. On the side of a deserted road one fateful night, the armadillo in Lex's pants attracted the attention of a rattlesnake, which promptly attacked. Fortunately Clark was there to tear the pants from Lex's body, freeing the 'dillo and trouser snake, and super-suck the um, poison from the oozing wound in Lex's groin. Needless to say, it was a hot, sexy night. - Jackbugger
9. "Hi, I'm Lex Luthor." "Hi, I'm Cl-" "Yeah - shut up and blow me." - wileykit666
8. Lex tripped, fell and his lips landed on Clark's d*ck. - Lexual Healing
7. In a fit of teenage angst, Clark runs away from home and becomes a stripper in a bar in New Orleans on Bourbon Street. Lex, on a business trip, spots him and is impressed. HoYay! goodness ensues. (Actually, I think there was a fanfic similar to that, except for the N.O. part) - ZigStar
6. The bale of wire never happened. But that night, Lex heard a voice calling for help outside the plant, and this time Whitney wasn't considerate enough to leave Clark's clothes behind, so Lex gives up some of his after freeing Clark from the cross. Then they warm up together with some physical exertion. - Jackbugger
5. Lex's car does hit Clark then fly off the bridge.... But he remains conscious and witnesses Clark rip off the roof to rescue him, therefore learning of Clark's powers. Clark, guided by instinct, must use the Kiss of Forgetfulness on him. Continuously. - Grey Roses
4. Lex stumbles upon the young farmboy playing with his telescope. - That Nashvegas Chick
3. While cleaning, Martha moved Clark's telescope. So when Clark goes to spy on Lana, as is his habit - gasp! Who should he see instead but Lex? And it's love, love, love! - suzycat
2. Clark misses the school bus one day, and Lex offers him a lift. On the way home, a freak snowstorm (is there any other kind in Smallville?) blows up, and Lex oversteers the Porsche into a ditch. Fortunately, Lex and Clark find shelter in a nearby cave, where they are forced, by circumstance, to remove most of their clothing and huddle for warmth. Unable to resist this most hallowed of slashfic conventions, Lex has his wicked way with Clark, who, in the way of all fictional virgins, falls madly in love with his seducer. - phantom_minuet
1. Lex Luthor, upon strolling the lush, green, ominously Scotland-like hills on his company's estate, happens upon young Clark Kent, superwanking. "WHAT are you doing on my property?" "I was just getting in touch with nature!" "How about you get in touch with me?" Love, love, LOVE! - madmouth
10. Seppuku! I wish.... - Jackbugger
9. Ritual sacrifice of small furry animals - phantom_minuet
8. Staring into a mirror and chanting "Myyyyy deeeeead paaaareeeents" five times, to see if they'll rise from the grave. But she gets distracted by her pretty, pretty face and shiny, shiny hair, and she never finishes the ritual. - wileykit666
7. The Morticia Addams bouquet of roses for special occasions, thorns only. - Elrond50
6. She brings them coffee and tells them the story of how they met in the Talon and then they die again. - That Nashvegas Chick
5. Doodling "Lana-n-Whitney-4-eva" in shiny pink sparkly pen all over the headstone. - Minders
4. Cow-tipping. And Bo's just *sick* about it. - Sandman
3. Digging them up to see if they're still dead. - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
2. Just for the summer: Strawberry Langcakes Festival -- with three sorts of toppings, and fresh whipped cream available! - Minders
1. Practicing upper lip movement. - Slashgirl
10. A Smallville Hush , in which every Smallville resident loses the power of speech. While Clark can't talk, on the bright side, at least we won't have to hear any of Bo Kent's platitudes. - Slashgirl
9. The vengeful native American spirits of Kansas Past are reanimated by the presence of Krytonite deposits and appear to wreak havoc on the Smallville Founders Day parade. During the chaotic melee which ensues, Lex somehow ends up tied to a chair, where he makes a kick-ass speech about how it sucks to be a conquered nation. - phantom_minuet
8. Smallville "Graduation Day" in which the giant worm from 2 lists ago reappears, and the combined force of that many people simultaneously seeing the HoYay makes the high school explode. - Minders
7. New Moon Rising (Through the Telescope) - Chloe gets back from her internship in Metropolis where she has undergone a number of changes. She leaves again when it becomes clear she can't control her emotions around Clark. Before going she tells Clark to be with the one he loves and he says he is. Then there's an off-screen kiss between Clark and Lex - complete with lots of slurpy kissy noises. - elvichar
6. "Smallville Mummy Girl" in which a long-dead sacrificial virgin is partially re-animated, and sucks the life out of every person she meets (and every scene she's in). Clark mistakes her for Lana, and gets a goofy crush on her, but saves Lex in the end, because he's Clark's (pause, pant) best friend. Lana and Mummy Girl turn their life-stealing powers on each other and both are turned to unmoving, lifeless husks. Lana's dessicated remains are still crowned Homecoming Queen. On account of how pretty she is. Pete gets one line. On account of how it's Pete. - Sandman
5. Primeval: Clark & Co. stop The Initiative's biggest project/success/mistake: A krypto mutated Frankenstein-like thing made from humans and demons. Initiative is brought down and destroyed in the melee. - Clari Clyde
4. I Only Have Eyes for You: Clark and Lex, possessed by love-torn and guilt-ridden ghosts, re-enact the murder suicide, finally bringing the ghosts to peace. - Clari Clyde
3. Boobs McChesty returns to Smallville from Brazil after failed treatment for hypertrichosis at the hands of Dr. Hamilton's brother Emil. Passing by the Talon, she thinks she sees Lex inside. "Hello, Lex," she murrs, imaginative as ever. Then she looks blank, indicating she's confused, because it isn't Lex, it's Clark. "Oh. You're Lex's friend. Carl?" "Clark," Clark says, squinting. He never liked Boobs, but there's something funny about her. Something to do with the meteor rocks, he's sure. Clark has inexplicably unfailing intuition when it comes to people affected by them. "I could've sworn…. Isn't that Lex's shirt you're wearing?" Clark starts to blush, glances down, and turns bright red, because yes, it's one of those shirts Lex bought for when Clark gets a protein stain on what he's wearing while at the Castle. "You smell like him," Boobs continues, and she and Lana are now the only people in or near the Talon who haven't figured it out. She sniffs Clark. "He's all over you!" - Jackbugger
2. Becoming, Part Two. Lex, who is now totally Eeeeevil due to experiencing a moment of true joy (I'll let you guess), and has spent the last few episodes still obsessed with Clark, but in an Eeeeevil manner, is about to perform a science experiment on himself that will turn the world into one big LexCorp. As Chloe lies injured in the hospital and Pete goes off to rescue Bo, who is tied to a chair somewhere, daydreaming of his dead Bessie (Evil!Lana made him think she was Bessie to get Clark's secret out of him), Clark finds he must fight his love to the death - by fencing. There's a lot of fancy footwork, and after Whitney comes and saves the day by chopping off Evil!Lana's head, Clark finally has Lex at his mercy, foil poised, ready to strike (are you feeling this?) when Chloe suddenly starts yelling in Aramaic and a green, meteor rock hue flashes in Lex's eyes. "Clark? Clark - what's going on?
I don't remember...." Clark: "Lex?" Lex: "You're hurt...." They embrace and we close up on Clark's face, the rapture of finding his love again clearly evident. Lex: "Oh, Clark. I feel like I haven't seen you in months...."
Clark opens his eyes, and - gasp! The Eeeevil experiment is already bubbling away on the mad scientist stove and Clark has no choice but to fling Lex into the vat of bubbling ooze in order to save the world. "I love you." Lex: "I love you." Clark: "Close your eyes." They kiss, then, "CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!" Cries Lex...and then all is quiet.
Clark bursts into tears. And leaves town to work as a busboy in a seedy cafe where big trucker women make lewd comments about his ass. But never fear! Next season, Lex comes back from the dead! Naked! And then he turns up to rescue Clark, wearing nothing but silk pajama bottoms and manacles! His curse is broken, and he can have all the joy he wants! Clark and Lex decide to take advantage of the convenient chains and nakedness, and they live happily ever after. - wileykit666
1. Deciding he'll never have the real Clark, Lex hires a shady roboticist to build him a Clarkbot. (Yes, of course when Pete drops by the castle the 'bot stands up and Lex refastens his pants.) - Jackbugger
