Top Ten Ways FutureClark and FutureLex Will Live Happily Ever After - Jackbugger
Top Ten Greek/Roman Myths You Want to See Acted Out - Shy
Top Ten Secrets MamaKent is Hiding that Might Make Her Slightly More Interesting as a Character - Camberwell Green
Top Ten Love-dovey Nicknames for Lionel - kstanley
Top Ten Ways and Reasons Lex Might Kill Lionel - Shy
Top Ten Ways You Think Rosenbaum Should Celebrate His Birthday - That Nashvegas Chick
Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Son is a Gay Alien - madmouth
Top Ten Cute Things Lex and Clark Can Do Together - Shy
Top Ten Lines from a Film Clark or Lex Would Use to Finally Make His Move - Jackbugger
Top Ten Ways for Clark and Lex to Convince Bo to Accept Their Love - PunPunPun
10. Jonathan and Lionel come clean about their past and allow the boys to have what they could not. - Elrond50
9. FutureClark and FutureLex discover the joys of FutureTurkish Bathhouses and never look back. - Bulletproof Monk
8. Lex discovers that Kryptonite is the solution to Earth's nonrenewable energy problem, and he becomes more fabulously wealthy than anyone could have imagined, which pisses off Lionel no end, but also secretly pleases him. Having found a good and noble purpose in life, while also making an obscene profit, Lex never turns to evil, and he woos and wins Clark. Which, quite frankly, wasn't all that hard, er, difficult. Anyhoo, one of the nifty side effects of being a Kryptonite baron is that the faint residue from visiting one of his many plants enables Lex to manhandle Clark in bed, for a change. So everyone gets what they want, and they live happily and hornily ever after. - phantom_minuet
7. It turns out that Clark's semen changes Lex's biochemistry, so that he lives as long as Clark and Clark doesn't have to watch everyone who cares about him die. And so of necessity they live happily ever after, what with the frequent re-applications of Clark's life-giving elixir. - Jackbugger
6. After their first time together, they're telepathically linked and it's painful to ever be apart. So they spend the rest of their super-long lives in bed. - Minders
5. Lana's parents descend from pancake heaven to take her up with them by way of sparing the rest of the town her preternatural blather. To help Clark get over the PAIN, oh, THE PAIN, Lex makes him his superbitch. Forever - madmouth
4. Lionel has an off day and actually praises Lex for doing something good. Helpful, loving praise, not evil praise like usual. Then he conveniently dies before he can negate its effects. Thus, Lex can stop trying to win his father's love by surpassing him. He starts to move away from the Dark Side to the Normal Side.
Clark decides to tell Lex his secrets. They have a big fight, but both are the better for it, as Clark can now share the burden and Lex can finally have someone that he can trust to be honest with him. Plus, the high emotions lead to make-up sex (their first time) and they realize that they're in love. Lex falls further from the Dark Side. His journey to immortality begins, thanks to Clark's supersemen (thanks to Anne Higgins, and to Jack for reminding me). Clark is saved from watching everyone he loves die, and also from the psychosis that seems to trigger (according to fic).
Clark points out to his dad that if the meteors aren't his fault, then their effects aren't his responsibility. He was raised as a "normal" boy, and normal boys don't have grand heroic destinies, dammit. He has abilities, like people like Michael Jordan or Stephen Hawking do. They weren't forced to use their abilities; it wasn't their duty. They chose their lives. So enough with the guilt trip. He'll help people if he wants to, to the extent that he wants to, and he sure as hell doesn't owe it to the world to give up his future personal happiness just so the masses can have an alien babysitter. Clark never becomes Superman (Superman bugs me, he spoils everything). He becomes a crusading reporter who helps the community through his writing and by volunteering at shelters, donating to charity, guiding Lex's money to where it might help most, etc.
Lex becomes President with Clark as his First Gentleman, and they do a good job. No vast Evil, no shattering Good, just eight solid years of strong leadership and national accomplishment. Then Lex goes back to business and Clark back to philanthropy and to editing the magazine he's founded. They do nice things for the environment, promote literacy, raise golden retrievers and other married-type things. They don't get older, so they buy an island off the coast of Australia to which they can retire when the world begins to notice.
They decide they've shared enough of themselves and now they want some solitude. They move to their island, knowing that when enough time has passed, they'll go back into the world and start a new public life. Duncan and Methos live on the next island over, and the four of them have cookouts together and play with the retrievers.
They're happy. No grand and terrible destinies. No eternal enmity or operatic, destructive passion. - justjoan
3. One word: Flannel-Gate - outside the box
2. Lex goes on Prozac. Clark also wins a lifetime supply of Astroglide, prompting both of them to telecommute permanently from the bedroom. - autumnyte
1. Clark sucks a Chupa Chup into a ring and proposes to Lex. Buggary and Hijinx ensue.... - Shy
10. Cupid and Psyche, in which Lex is Cupid and Clark is Psyche. The MB is so jealous of Clark that he sends Lex to do away with him. However, Lex falls in love with him instead, so he arranges to have him sent to a secluded castle to be his husband/lover. The only thing is, he won't let Clark see him. So Clark spends his days alone, and the nights, well, you know. But he's lonely so he asks Lex if his friend can come visit. Lex allows it, but when his friends come, they're so jealous of Clark (the beautiful place he's living in) that they convince him his husband is some kind of monster, and he has to kill him. Clark has his doubts so he decides to look at his lover that night and see for himself. When he does, he sees that Lex is really hot, and while he's standing there looking at him, some of the hot wax drips on Lex, causing him to wake and see Clarks faithlessness. So he leaves. Clark decides to pursue him to show him how much he loves him, so he goes to the MB. MB, still jealous, gives Clark three impossible tasks to complete, but because Clark is an alien, he is able to do them. Thus he is reunited with his true love, and they live happily ever after. - joyfulgirl41
9. The rape of Persephone, where Hades, or Lex, steals blushing farmboy Persephone Clark away from all he loves and makes him the queen of the underworld. Persephoclark makes yearly commutes to earth, though, if only to fill up on platitudes and motherly puckering, and the rest of the year is spent servicing THE FORCES OF EVIL and Hadex. Because they love each other. And love is stronger than good intentions, and the desire to save humankind. - madmouth
8. Lex, as all-powerful Zeus, swoops down from the skies over Smallville to sweep young Ganymede (Clark) off his feet. After ravishing and debauching the beautiful boy (yay debauchery!), LexZeus tries to propitiate Clarknymede's father with lavish gifts. Oh wait, that's what actually happens on the show.... - Jackbugger
7. Prometheus-Lex, a Titan among men and one hot dude, decides to steal wealth and information from his progenitor and give it all to the very backward denizens of Smallville, empowering them in a way never before imagined. When Zeus-Lionel finds out about P-Lex's treachery, he chains him, naked, to a rock and sends a Kryptonite-mutated eagle every day to nibble on that sexy lump on the back of his head. Things look and feel pretty bad for our young upstart, until brave, handsome, and pretty near indestructible Hercules-Clark comes along, freeing P-Lex from his chains and carrying him off the rock. H-Clark also kills the eagle, because, dammit, if anyone is going to eat P-Lex, it had better be him. - phantom_minuet
6. A sexier, balder Apollo falls enamored of a beautiful young thing named Daphne...or Daphnark, as it were. But Daphnark wants none of it, because Daphnark is clinically insane that day (we can debate that later), and runs away when Apollex chases her. But all that treadmill action has given Apollex quite the running prowess, and he just relentlessly pursues. Daphark's father Boeous, a god, who doesn't much like Apollex for some reason, sees this and sympathizes with his clinically insane daughter. And so, deducting through his brilliant logic that this is the only way to save her, turns Daphnark into a tree. Apollex laments, and routinely eats Daphnark's apples, which are suspiciously rosy, as rosy as, say, cheeks. - madmouth
5. Lextemis, god of the hunt, moon, and other good stuff is bathing (and other stuff) with his nymph Clark. He catches Lana spying on them, turns her into a deer, and has his dogs tear her to pieces, allowing her to rejoin her parents...wait, wrong list. Anyway, Lextemis and his nymph live happily ever after. - ZigStar
4. The gorgeous golden god Whitney (gee, that's a godly name) decides to pursue the lovely nymph Lana. He desperately longs to... oh horrors!... kiss her on the lips. Nymph Lana, being a strangely asexual creature, flees in utter horror. A kiss! On the lips! As she runs through Greece, shrieking her terror and agony (A Kiss! On the Lips! Ahhhhhhh!), the other gods hear her and decide to free her from this fate/ punish her for being an idiot. She is turned into a laurel tree. No, wait, a crying rock! No, a white cow! A bear! A mint plant! Gee, there are so many beautiful, interchangeable, personality-free nymphs to choose from... The point is, she's no longer human and no longer able to talk, and golden god Whitney decides shepherd boys are more his style than nymphs anyway. - justjoan
3. One day while walking beside a forest stream, Lionel notices the reflection of his ostentatious mane of hair in the water, and stops for a closer look. Entranced by the sight of his flowing locks, lost in thoughts of how their very existence taunts Lex, he gazes at himself so long he wastes away, and all that's left of him is a magnificent blue flower. (Blue because purple is Lex's colour, and in these parts what's called a narcissus is sometimes blue.) - Jackbugger
2. Clark--erm, OdysseClark, travels the wilds of... Kansas, trying to get home to his fair _________. (Fill in whomever you fancy.) He encounters Boobs McCirce on her island. Her island in...Kansas. She of the great long fingernails to 'unman men and make them weaklings.' She tries this on OdysseClark's SuperBalls, breaks a nail, and dies of mortification. Don't worry, our hero finds his way home. To Smallville, not Krypton. - firestarter
1. Paris (Lex) is so taken by the ravishing beauty of young Helen (Clark) that he kidnaps her and takes her back to Troy (the rather convenient 'Scottish' castle of the plains). Outraged by this impropriety, Menelaus (Chloe) raises a snark army of allies and embarks on a rescue to get his bride back (with apologies to Jack for the pronoun confusion). During the seige of the castle, Achilles (Whitney) is roused from a protracted sulk by the tragic death of his silent and hitherto unmentioned sidekick Patroclus (Pete). Cassandra (Lana) spends most of the war telling people that the whole thing is a bad idea and doomed to failure, but everyone thinks that she's just blathering on about her dead parents and so ignores her. Finally, Chloe and her chlo-horts gain access to the castle in a giant wooden cow (or giant Trojan if you're reading the unedited text). On finding Paris and Helen in bed together looking very happy, they decide that seperating them would be a complete waste of time and go on an extended Mediterranean cruise instead. - Camberwell Green
10. Ben-wa balls - firestarter
9. Bo is actually her 2nd cousin, and Martha's the only one who knows. (Or so she thinks. Though once in a while he calls her "Daisy!" in bed....) - Jackbugger
8. She used to be a man - phantom_minuet
7. Loi...Mrs. Kent, is also a kryptofreak. Due to her obsession with Hong Kong Kung Fu movies, whenever she is in mortal danger (threatend by bees etc.) the world around her goes into bullet time. Strangely, this also seems to occur whenever Bo wants to play with his platypus.... - Camberwell Green
6. She's a regular at the local x-rated video store's glory hole. - DantesFire
5. She's Lionel Luthor's long-lost sister. Because of the red hair! - Spiderine
4. She's Lex's mother. Because of the red hair! (Not to be used concurrently with #5, however. Eww.) - Sandman
3. Every other Saturday night, when Bo is off at his "poker game," she heads to that little club near Metropolis and performs as "Madame Martha, Mistress of Pain." - Minders
2. Bo wasn't Bessie's first love...oh, no - wileykit666
1. Well there's her side business as a bounty hunter right? Ma Kent is her cover. - kstanley
10. Daddy (by everybody but Lex) - Minders
9. My Fluffy Conquerer- He was called that by Lillian - kstanley
8. All of his past lovers, at one time or another, have called him Sugardrawers...but they only call him that once. - phantom_minuet
7. He was called "Studmuffin" by the missing industrialist on the front page of the paper Lionel is reading in the helicopter. Draw your own conclusions about Lionel's reaction. - Minders
6. "That prick upstairs who thinks he can fuck with us just because he owns the compan...oh, hello, Mr. Luthor!" -- Recently-fired Luthor Corp employee - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
5. Well, Bo used to call him "Fluffy". No wonder it was such an ugly breakup. - justjoan
4. I'll see your "Fluffy", justjoan, and I'll raise you: Cooter - That Nashvegas Chick
3. Caesar the Divine on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and Honeycakes on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. By Bo, who else? And on Sunday they're too busy buggering to speak, much less nickname - madmouth
2. The Wookie - Pamela - Sandman
1. Business - Chesty McBoobs - outside the box
10. This is the only way I can imagine it happening. I don't have to be a Lexapologist; he's a good boy. - Jackbugger
9. Means: Lex mixes powdered meteor into his "It's Da Bomb!" Hair Balm. Lionel's independently alive, detached and ravenous kryptowig terrorizes the entire town. More than Lionel's hair usually does, even. Lionel, now bald (Ha! take that, Dad!) is, of course, the Hairy Green Overkill's first victim. Motive: Because Lionel fences like a big show-off. Plus, that whole over-compensation, love-me, love-my-mane thing? Shyeahh. Whatever. - Sandman
8. This is too easy. Lex kills him with kindness, of course. And Lionel would never see it coming. - phantom_minuet
7. By gaslighting him: 1. "Dad? What's up with your hair?" 2. "Hey, dad, I left a bunch of signed company checks lying around--seen them?" 3. "Dad, I borrowed your Humvee and obliterated a busload full of school children. How are we with the lawyers?" - firestarter
6. He locks Lionel in a small room with Lana. After being subjected to Lana Lang's Sentimental Memories (TM Lex), Lionel kills himself. - Minders
5. I actually have been plotting out a whole fic with this one. Lionel PLANS for Lex to kill him, as a final test. He brings Lex up to his office, LETS Lex win in a game of chess, then gives Lex a gun, to see whether he has the guts to. At first, Lex doesn't. Then Lionel makes a rather nasty comment about Clark, and THEN Lex shoots him. Lionel's last thought is, "Shit. He's not ready yet." - kleenexwoman
4. Lex and Clark decide to off the old bastard after deciding that his last snarky comment on their relationship was one comment too many. Clark goes to Bo, and tells his father that Lionel "touched" him; and Clark felt sort-of dirty. Bo takes off in the truck with the shotgun. Later, Bo tells the boys that that was the best birthday present a father ever received from his sons. - TGC-64
3. A dad and son on a skyscraper, dad's got his arm around the son's shoulders, typical "someday, son, all this will be yours" scene. Except that the son pushes the dad off the building. Well...it's his now. - kleenexwoman
2. Smallville's latest meteor mutant is a wealthy, breasty woman who needs to seduce and consume men to survive. (In the recap, she might be SuckYouBess.) After a couple of mysterious deaths clue him that once again something's Not Right in Smallville, Clark saves most of her intended victims. While he's busy with that, Lex steals Bess away. Carefully creating the illusion that he's fallen for the VotW, Lex then sends her to Metropolis, where Lionel, predictably, will take her to his bed. - Jackbugger
1. Um, a gun - That Nashvegas Chick
10. With pie - Camberwell Green
9. With me - phantom_minuet
8. With glitter. Of whatever kind he chooses. (Though hopefully not with "Glitter" starring Mariah Carey, because it's just bad.) - Minders
7. A full body shaving. The shaggin' wagon's upholstery will feel delicious! - DCookKC
6. Letting the dillo run wild and free. - Lexual Healing
5. For his birthday MR should give his fans the gift that keeps on giving…a spread in Playgirl - adellyna
4. By receiving lots and LOTS of x-rated photos and scary gifts from all of his fans. I personally am sending him most of my hair. - kleenexwoman
3. If he was smart, in hiding. ;) - Bulletproof Monk
2. Driving his Shaggin Wagon around the world, visiting every one of his fans and letting them experience the shag carpeting and vibrating front seats for themselves. - wileykit666
1. On the stage, getting ogled by Joan Collins whilst wearing a pornographic loincloth. BECAUSE IT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DONNY OSMOND. - madmouth
10. Hand over the "Joy of Interspecies Anal Penetration" manual and 12 inch dildo that he came with. (Edited to clarify I thought the question was "How to tell your son HE IS a gay alien." I'm not changing my answer though, 'cause I like it.) - DCookKC
9. He becomes obsessed with anyone FABulous throughout history. - Shy
8. You try to wake him up during one of his floating dreams when he cries out "Clex!" falling to the bed, looking spent and dazed.... - Shy
7. He dresses up as Judy Jetson for Halloween. - phantom_minuet
6. Seven. Second. Stare. - Sandman
5. Really intense interest in the cucumber portion of the produce delivery baskets. - Minders
4. You catch him in the barn, the local bald billionaire riding him like he's trying for a new rodeo record, and the only thing keeping them, er, seated is your Big Gay Alien son's super-strong grip. - Jackbugger
3. You try your hardest to molest him, but you can't because he's inhumanly fast. Oh God. I squicked myself. Ew. - adellyna
2. He's friends with Big Gay Al, Elton John, Richard Simmons, etc. - Shy
1. He hides an unsuspecting billionare's armadillo in his spaceship! - Shy
10. Sleepovers - Shy
9. Play with a roomful of kittens - jeansheridan
8. Go shopping together. At Claire's! Wait, is this regular cute or 13 y/o girl cute? - Musa
7. Paint each other with ass glitter! In both the literal and euphemistic senses. - Jackbugger
6. Wear matching T-shirts that say, "I'm only here for the pie". - phantom_minuet
5. Tickle fight! - DCookKC
4. Making cream puffs, any way you can imagine. - madmouth
3. Play Tomb Raider, make blokey comments, be struck by fit of uncontrollable laughing and manly tussling which degenerates into ripping off each others' clothes and buggering each other rigid. *blinks* I think it's cute! - suzycat
2. They could go to a movie! A movie with oodles of subtext. And Lex could tease Clark about it in a flirtatious way, and….What? There's a fic already? Damn. - Grey Roses
1. Hold hands in the Talon. Hey, it's cute enough to make me go "aww...." - Jackbugger
10. "You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!" Han Solo, Star Wars: A New Hope - phantom_minuet
9. "My grandmother always said, 'Why buy the cow...when you can get the sex for free.'"--Brodie in Mallrats - AmandaFM25
8. "Fasten your seatbelts--it's going to be a bumpy ride!" Bette Davis, All About Eve - firestarter
7. "Now, you have to ask yourself one question: do you feel lucky?" -- Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry - AmandaFM25
6. "Do you want this body?" "Is this a trick question?" Dana Barrett, Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters - phantom_minuet
5. After Clark once again lies to Lex about his powers, Lex stamps his foot and yells, "YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!!! And I'm in love with you." Max Fischer, in Rushmore. - emelerin
4. "You just put your lips together and blow." Lauren Bacall, To Have And Have Not. - Bulletproof Monk
3. From Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: "You LOVE the cock!" - emelerin
2. Well, the only Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back quote I can think of right now is when Jay yells "Hey, baby, have you ever had your a**hole eaten out by a fatman in an overcoat!?!" - Bulletproof Monk
1. Doubt thou the stars are fire/Doubt that the sun doth move/Doubt truth to be a liar/But never doubt I love. - Hamlet Act II. Scene ii - PunPunPun
10. Do it in front of him - suzycat
9. Do it behind him - Bulletproof Monk
8. "Dad, it's just like you and the cows. Think of the cows." - firestarter
7. Lex works long and hard...at Cadmus Labs to come up with a meteor-based mind control formula. Since he loves Clark, and Clark loves him, it's used only on their respective fathers, then Lex destroys the substance and all his notes. They live happily ever after, only mildly annoyed that the formula worked a little too well and Bo always wants to watch. - Jackbugger
6. "Dad, it's like you said...the apple never falls far from the tree. Remember you and Lionel?" - venusboi79
5. Lex brews up some nice clean MDMA in his lab (he's quite the mad scientist today) and they slip some into Bo's milk, then strap him in a chair and force him, Clockwork Orange style, to watch looped tapes of themselves from Lex's home porn collection. The same unpleasant voyeurism side effect occurs. - Jackbugger
4. Dad, remember when you said there's a thin line between love and hate? Well, I love Lex as much as you hate the Luthors times 20. - Shy
3. Take a cow hostage - phantom_minuet
2. Complimentary PFLAG membership. - firestarter
1. Lex offers to front the cash for Bo's budding career as a Christian music singer - firestarter
