Dr. Hamilton's Top Ten Science Experiments - firestarter
Lionel's Top Ten Mistresses - Jackbugger
Top Ten Creative Uses for the Cow's Milk - Shy
Top Ten SV Crossover Films Written and Directed by Kevin Smith (or scenes therefrom) - Jackbugger
Top Ten Past Lives of SV Characters - AmandaFM25
Top Ten HoYay! Scenes from Highlander You Want to See the Clex Do (TM joyfulgirl41) - madmouth
Extra:Chloe shows up at Lex's in the middle of the night and wakes him up because Clark's in trouble. When he finally answers the door, he's got nothing on but boxers. (Yeah, I know, scarcely any HoYay to speak of, but almost-naked Lex!) - Jackbugger
Top Ten Torments Almost Horrible Enough To Punish John Schneider For The Larry King Fat-Baiting Appearance - Jackbugger
Top Ten Bonding Trips Lex and Lionel Should Go On - Shy
Top Ten Places Clark and Lex Should Go for Their Honeymoon - Shy
Top Ten Clex!fic Plot Contrivances You've Not Seen but Would Like To - DCookKC
10. Dr. Rasta scopes out the Kent's grazing fields at night, with camera and notebook at the ready. "They don't feed themselves, my eye." - firestarter
9. Human Genome research to find out if homosexuality and penchants for buggery are hereditary. - outside the box
8. Starts up a slew of side projects, to see how much Lex will let him get away with. (Not much: Lex gets fed up and decides to play scientist himself, with Hamilton as a subject.) - Jackbugger
7. Dr Hamilton tests Clark by dangling Lex above a great cavernous hole (hee) and dangling a great deal of pie above another. Clark must decide which to save! This forces him to use his powers in order to save both, which was of course what Dr Hamilton had in mind anyway. He carefully notes down Clark's speed in a little notebook with a secret picture of Lex taped to the inside cover. - wileykit666
6. While playing with his new kitten, Beaker, in the laboratory, Dr. Hamilton has a revelation about interpersonal dynamics in Smallville. He immediately sets about to develop a device that he calls the HoYay-ometer. Unfortunately, while doing field testing of the device, he takes a reading on Lex Luthor and Clark Kent, while Lex is teaching Clark the finer points of fencing. Somewhere in between Lex's demonstration of "lunge" and "thrust", the HoYay-ometer goes completely off the scale and explodes. - phantom_minuet
5. Making a really smart super computer using technology from a severed robotic hand on the side of the road. - Gnosis
4. He builds and accidentally detonates the dreaded "nude" bomb. (and since Maxwell Smart isn't part of the Smallville universe, we have nothing to fear). - jeansheridan
3. Attempts to develop a device to automatically insert finger-quotes around spoken words for Dr Evil (i.e., "I've built a device called a [finger-quote]laser[/finger-quote] that will destroy the moon!", but soon realizes he's IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE! - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
2. Dr. Hamilton's been working on an antidote for the krypto-mutants and decides to try delivering it via pie. After all, who doesn't like pie? Unfortunately, the antidote isn't strong enough and instead it further angers the mutants. Now they want to steal, shape-shift, kill, and turn their victims into pie filling. - disbelief
1. A prosthetic brain for poor Martha Kent's husband. Unfortunately Hamilton doesn't yet have access to advanced Kryptonian technology, so Bo has to make do with what's in essence a glorified random platitude generator. - Jackbugger
10. Roger Nixon - Jackbugger
9. Martha Stewart - justjoan
8. Zeke Stone (and I dare you to call him a mistress) - justjoan
7. Satan. It didn't work out because they were always trying to out-magnificently-bastardize each other. - madmouth
6. Jay Underwood as Chip! Because the MB was a crazy, crazy mofo in the 80's - madmouth
5. Enrique's father Julio. Iglesias? No...of course not.... - outside the box
4. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. - Minders
3. Tina Turner. Cos the combined bed head would be a wonder to behold. - wileykit666
2. Dominic. (The MB loves a man who looks good in duct tape.) - Jackbugger
1. Nell. Because nobody laughed at my Lie-on-Nell crack the first time... ::sniff:: - Jackbugger
10. Lube - Jackbugger
9. Building strong bones and preternaturally white teeth. - Minders
8. For Lex and CLark to lick off each other after they've eaten pie off each other's stomachs. (See Miss Anvil) - wileykit666
7. Hmm, milk + sexy naked guys = good, old-fashioned, Roman Empire milk bath. - justjoan
6. Milk mustaches gives the illusion of upper lip movement. - Star Bright
5. Added verisimilitude when Clark uses his mother's milk bottles to teach himself fellatio. - Jackbugger
4. An enema, to extricate whatever stick is up Pa Kent's butt. - autumnyte
3. Ass glitter shake. - Bulletproof Monk
2. A convenient excuse when your "mustache" is not milk at all. - DCookKC
1. "Dad? Are you trying to milk the bull?" And Bo dies of a heart attack. - Jackbugger
10. Lex, in his long overcoat, and Clark, in his jeans and T-shirt combo, are leaning against the window of The Talon, snarking on people who walk by. Anybody who challenges them gets introduced by Clark saying, "I'm gay, and this is my homosexual life partner Sexy Lex." - wileykit666
9. Lex, smartass that he is, asks Nicodemus!Pete, "What's a Nubian?" Oops. "Black rage! Black rage!" - justjoan
8. Pete, Lex and Clark are sitting at a table, outside a burger joint. (Mooby's?) Lex snarks at Pete about really being from heaven and proving it. "You make the boss kill more kittens then anyone else on the plane." Lex replies, "So tell us something we didn't know." Pete snarks, "You're think about guys when you do it." Silent Clark gets that adorable doe-eyed look of surprise. - Musa
7. Clark has a fight with his boyfriend Lex, and wants to reconcile. However, Lex's evil father Lionel keeps thwarting his advances at every turn. Clark tells best friend Pete his woes while they hang out at the mall. After spotting Lionel, Pete grosses Clark out with a stinkpalm demonstration, and proceeds to greet Lionel and offer him some chocolate covered pretzels. Mayhem ensues. - autumnyte
6. Clark (to Lex): 37?!?! - outside the box
5. Lex, Pete, and Chloe are talking, and Lex brings up Clark's party from "Jitters."
Chloe: "Would that be the one where you fucked Clark Kent on a pool table?"
Lex: "How is it you remember the most trivial events? I've fucked Clark in much more unusual public places."
Pete: "How could we forget? I mean how often do you get to see Smokey fuck a farmboy?"
- outside the box
4. Alanis Morissette appears in Smallville as God. She's beseiged by the residents, because she's the only one that can explain the plot holes. - firestarter
3. Chloe (to Lana): Couldn't do it. Women are insane. - Clari Clyde
2. Clark and Lex rip off their shirts to reveal FABulous shiny breastplates. - Minders
1. Continuing where autumnyte left off by saying "Mayhem ensues." During the dating game, Pete is onstage with the other two suitors, Roger Nixon and Sam Phelan. Clark is the suitor-ette. Nixon: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Pete: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Nixon: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Pete: Hey, Clark, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Nixon: I don't hate gay people!
Pete: So you love them?
Nixon: Yes! I mean, no.
Pete: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality. - AmandaFM25
10. Lex -- Alexander the FABulous/Great - AmandaFM25
9. Lana - a log - BlueFroggy
8. Bo Kent -- Benjamin Franklin's alter ego "Poor Richard" of "Almanack" fame. Where else would he have gotten his never-ending store of platitudes? - Minders
7. Chloe--Margaret Sanger. The necessity of available birth control or the reality of mutants living among us...either way, it's important to get the word out. - phantom_minuet
6. Ma Kent - Lana Lang - lex'sbabe
5. Pete Ross - Chuck Cunningham - outside the box
4. The Kent's cows: other cows! - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
3. Chloe - Velma (as in Scooby-Doo Velma) - autumnyte
2. Pete Ross - ether - madmouth
1. Clark Kent - Eva Braun - madmouth
10. A still youthful and vibrant Clark tenderly cares for a frail, elderly Lex, who looks at him with love and wonder and marvels that this beautiful young man has stayed with him all these years. Then he dies, very quietly, and Clark is utterly bereft. - phantom_minuet
9. Clark enlists Lex's help to repaint...um...the Fortress of Pornitude (well they have to paint something...). As they're chatting and joking around, Clark reaches over and swipes Lex's nose with his paintbrush. Lex is stunned and open-mouthed (hey...) and much eyefucking ensues. - justjoan
8. Lana has decided to embrace her trampy side, as seen in "Nicodemus". She jumps from guy to guy with nary a qualm, but when she pounces on innocent little Pete (hee hee!), Clark decides he has to intervene. But then he gets distracted by his long-standing love for her and her lingerie and blah blah blah, and he's going to let her go. Lex has no such problems, and he cuts off Lana's head with his foil (he'd have to sorta saw it off, but whatever). Pete is grumpy but safe, Clark is saved from the girl cooties, and Lex has his rival out of the way forever. - justjoan
7. Clark is trying to get Lex to help him out getting Lana and Whitney back together after they've had a big fight. Lex refuses, so Clark tries to ply him with cookies and tea and pouting prettily. Lex agrees to help by hitting on Lana, and making Whitney jealous. The plan works, except Whitney thinks that Lex was really hitting on Lana, and vows revenge. Clark finds out that Whitney went to deal with Lex, so he rushes over to saaaaaave him. Upon arriving on the scene he sees Whitney lookin' all roughed up, and he thinks he's too late. When he sees Lex come out of the barge...er, barn, he realizes that they were playing a joke on him, and threatens to beat up Lex to cover up the feeling of relief he feels because of the Lurve. - joyfulgirl41
6. Clark pesters Lex after a woman shows up in town making some accusations. Clark asks if they are true. Finally Lex snaps and they have a confrontation in which they invade each other's personal space quite a bit, Clark pins Lex up against the car, Clark tells Lex that "We're through" and Lex is seen trying not to cry (in that sexy manly way that he has, grrr), and there is an overwhelming amount of UST. - joyfulgirl41
5. Lex comes home from a long day at the crap factory to find Clark** sprawled on his bed in the classic Wingfield "Look at my crotch! That crotch! Right there!" pose. Lex just shakes his head and sighs, totally unsurprised. "Grab a Ty Nant, Lex, there's a cold one in the fridge." "I know, it's my fridge." - justjoan
4. Lex's ex-boyfriend Keats comes to town. He wrote bad poetry in prep school, and he's since used that talent to become a rock star (though he never plays at high schools, unlike some Pete Ross-approved bands I could name). He's pretty messed up, what with the drugs and the kinky sex and the shaky mental stability. But Lex is still attracted, and Clark is not happy. At all. So he squishes Lex's ex with a bowling ball (which we all know won't actually kill someone). Lex forgives him because he's so pretty. Aw. - justjoan
3. A krypto-mutant comes looking for Clark after he discovers that Clark came with the meteor shower. Clark, all guilt ridden and angsty refuses to kill the krypto mutant. Chloe (who for the sake of this story knows about Clark's powers) thinks that Clark is going to lay down his life. She goes to find Lex, whom we haven't seen since the events of #6, because she knows that he's the only one that can convince Clark that he's not responsible for the meteor shower. Finally, Lex convinces Clark to fight, which Clark does, but he doesn't kill the krypto mutant. Lex says something about forgiving past events, and Clark realizes that he misses Lex, so they renew their friendship. - joyfulgirl41
2. Lex, realizing that he and Clark aren't going to get together, askes out a mousy waitress, only to find out she's dying. He offers to show her the world before she dies. Clark feels bad for Lex because he knows he's going to lose her. He watches them go. Lex comes back into town in hopes of finding a krypto cure, which involves Lana's necklace (something about the meteor+smushed parents=healing powers). However, someone else is after Lana's necklace also and tries to kill her to get it. Lana tells Clark that Lex is trying to kill her. Clark confronts Lex, and Lex does his cute 'hurt' look that Clark could even think that. Lex agrees to meet with Lana to talk it out, but someone tries to kill Lana again. (Really, who would want Lana dead that badly?) They find out who's trying to kill Lana, but the necklace gets lost in the process, so Lex returns to his dying girlfriend without the cure. He brings her back to Smallville to be buried after she dies, and Clark is there to comfort him. - joyfulgirl41
1. Lex and Clark are fencing and really getting into it. Clark gets his foil at Lex's throat... and suddenly it's really obvious that Lex is seriously turned on by it. We go to commercial, but you know they're going at it right there on the floor of the dojo...er, castle. - Jackbugger
10. A locked room, pieces of fruit, thunder sound system, and Richard Simmons. - firestarter
9. JS lives out his life happily, never changing his mind or shutting up. Then he dies and goes to heaven. Where he finds that God is a Chubby Jewish Lesbian (tm mako). Oops. - justjoan
8. The writers decide to make the Clex text, and JS has to play Bo Kent as an accepting father of his gay alien son and his sexy bald lovah (tm?). Then, the writers decide that Bo hates the Luthors because he and Lionel had a torrid affair while Bo was in college, but it was a messy break-up. JS has to do a confrontation scene with JG regarding their past relationship or lose his job. - joyfulgirl41
7. His rear end begins to baloon, no matter what he eats or how often he exercises. But only his rear end. Until it's a friggin' shelf and he carries around all of his power tools on it and is forced to back on TV and admit what an ingnorant schmuck he is. And then we throw things at him. A lot. - adellyna
6. The TWoPers take over the show's production, and get MR and TW to perform in the shed. Y'know. And they make JS watch, no matter how much he yells for somebody to saaaaaaave him. - madmouth
5. Those unable to distinct Bo from JS send him hot bovine porn. - madmouth
4. He gets smooshed by one of the fake meteor rock props that was loose around the set, and enters the Chubby Jewish Lesbian hell, where he's forced to eat all the donuts of the world à la Homer Simpson. That'll teach him. - AlejandraDD
3. JS has to perform at Ozzfest. - autumnyte
2. Since The West Wing also films on the WB lot, TPTB lend JS to ABS for an episode involving a movement to legalize gay marriage and JS has to play an extreme left-wing senator. In a fat suit. - AmandaFM25
1. TPTB kill off his character - phantom_minuet
10. Gladiator fights. watching, not participating in. and pre-show lex sneaks into the locker room of the young and nubile, much to the (comical) chagrin of his dad. the voiceovers go awwwwww. - madmouth
9. A trip to the gravesite of Alexander the FABulous. Not only do they spend time together, but they learn lots too! - Thayli
8. Oh, this one is easy. To a cockfight, of course! - phantom_minuet
7. A trip to the Luthor ancestral home, deep in the Transylvanian mountains. - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
6. A business-cum-pleasure trip to Beijing (cum in the Latin sense, not the Penthouse Forum sense), the highlights being the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square. - Jackbugger
5. Lex (mis)leads his father into a city with the claim that a book dealer there has a rare copy of The Art of War. In fact the city has no such book dealer but it does have a major WTO protest going on. Once surrounded by the angry hordes Lex rips off his shirt (a la Superman) to reveal a black t-shirt with an anarchy symbol. He points to his father clad in Armani and shouts "OH MY GOD, IT'S THE PRESIDENT OF NIKE!". The protestors rush Lionel and shove him up against a Starbucks. Lex cackles and says to himself, "...Lexcellent..." and disapears into the crowd to takeover Luthorcorp. - amararockstar
4. Lionel reads in Martha Stewart Living that cooking with one's children is a great bonding activity. He decides that, since food was so important to the ancient Greeks, he and Lex are going to Minneapolis to enter the Pillsbury Bake-Off. Unfortunately, Lex's "Farmer Clark's Cherry Pie" proves more popular than Lionel's "Single Malt Scotch Shortbread", and this bonding activity quickly devolves into yet another round of sneering, not-crying, and exchanging looks inappropriate for a father and son. While the Luthors are arguing over proper flour storage conditions and the role of pastry in Hellenic Greece, Mrs. BethAnn Freebush of Griswold, Iowa wins the grand prize for her "Polynesian Pineapple Popovers". - justjoan
3. Lionel and Lex join an "Evil" support group that Dr. Evil started with his son Scott (because he killed the last group they were in). However, it doesn't work the way he wants, because Lex and Scott are tired of all the pressure put upon them to be evil. Lex and Scott go on to open up a non-evil petting zoo. (yeah, I know it's lame, but whatever) - joyfulgirl41
2. The Illicit Love for Rugged Farmboys Pride Parade. Because yes, Bo was a boy back in the day. - madmouth
1. Stylishly lounging in a certain preternaturally pretty coffeehouse, and not at all to stare at nubile young superbuttocks - madmouth
10. My house. (Oops, was that out loud?) - Minders
9. Gay Par-eeeeee! - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
8. The Island of HGS, TM somebody far, far funnier than me in the Anvil thread. - wileykit666
7. Montreal. What? We have a FABULOUS "Village Gay"! - isabou
6. Hurst Street, Birmingham, England. Home of the botty rider. - wileykit666
5. San Francisco,where Clex'll give new meaning to "The san Francisco treat"-and I don't mean Rice-A-Roni. ;) - Slashgirl
4. Napa or Sonoma wine counties. Because San Francisco is just a drive away. :-) - Clari Clyde
3. Alaska, where Lex can explain to Clark that the only way to survive the night is to share body warmth.
Clark: "Yes, Lex, but how would we do that?"
Lex: (raises one eyebrow)
Clark: (thinks) "Oh. But-"
Lex: "Clark, I know you're superstamina would keep you safe from the cold, but what about me?" - outside the box
2. The sexy, sexy amazon jungle. - madmouth
1. Any public nude beach anywhere on earth - DCookKC
10. LexCorp buys a chocolate factory, and while touring, Clex gets inadvertantly locked into the building overnight. Lex's cellphone can't get a signal, and Clark doesn't want to tear a door off the hinges in front of Lex, so they paint each other's bodies with white and dark chocolate and much licking ensues! - DCookKC
9. Clark and Lex travel to Turkey to take place in the wrestling tournament where the combatants, who are wearing only special pants, are liberally doused in olive oil, then wrestle in a big field for 40 minutes (or until a pin, or one is just too tired). The best handholds can be achieved by reaching down the opponent's pants. - Minders
8. Clark starts actually dating Lana, but then realizes that she's not his one true love and runs to Lex's mansion to be comforted. Now, here's where it departs from Al's vision, Lex comforts Clark by inviting him into the hot tub and telling him that contrary to what Bo told him, sex doesn't always have to happen when a man and a woman love each other very much. Sometimes, it's okay when a man and a another man love each other. He then shows Clark some, uh, 'hidden camera documentaries' on the topic. Clark says, "Wow, they sure seem to like it!" Then, fabulous Clex sex ensues! - adellyna
7. Lex drags Clark to my parents' bar, The Chameleon. There, I serve them both aphrodisiac drinks until they start making out right there in the bar. The fic would be told in my POV, of course. - stargurl
6. AU: Clark and Lex have never met. Clark goes to college and, one night, decides to go clubbing. Lex introduces himself by rubbing up against Clark, trying to hump his leg, and offering him some kind of experimental drug. Clark stupidly takes the drug and is totally befuddled. Lex then starts to seduce him, but passes out. So Clark takes him back to his dorm. They then wake up in bed together. Everyone thinks they're goin' out, but they're not. Eventually, they DO hook up. For whatever reason. - kleenexwoman
5. Some gangster girl from Bludhaven is on the run from the cops and goes to Smallville. She steals Lex's car. When Clark tries to stop her, she knocks him out with some Kryptonite and calls Lex to tell him that she's got his friend. Lex freaks out. The girl (Random would be a nice name for her) tells him that if he wants back Clark, then he has to come get him. Then she makes Lex and Clark get naked in front of her, as ransom. Lex is so happy to do this that he lets her keep the car. - kleenexwoman
4. Some moron with a bulldozer uncovers a new stash of Kryptonite--the extremely rare purple Kryptonite, exposure to which triggers unusually high levels of prose and passion. After Clark accidently ingests some of the purple stuff (which looks just like grape Jolly Ranchers), he begins quoting dialogue from really bad sci fi novels and enters into the Krypto-version of pon farr, in which he must mate or die. Fortunately, Lex is free for the afternoon. - phantom_minuet
3. Lex gets Nicodemus-ed up, and hilarious sexually-laden hijinx ensue! How Clark react when the bald playboy with a jones for him makes things known? I can bet you it'll involve some sort of lubricating device. Is that Bo and his shotgun I hear coming? Ain't no bodyguard gonna keep him away.... - madmouth
2. Clark's parents die tragically and Lex gets guardianship. He tries to be good and keep his hands to himself, but Clark's afraid to sleep alone and shows up in Lex's bed looking for comforting cuddles. Finds nekkid Lex sleeptalking about bending a naughty Clark over his knee and much hot tear-y sex ensues. - DCookKC
1. A quick foray into the Animorphs universe.... - kleenexwoman
