Top Ten Things the MB and Lucifer Would Say if They Met - Shy
Top Ten Virtual Homecoming Gifts We Could Give Wiley - Jackbugger
Top Ten "Smallville"/"Buffy" Remakes - Part II - Slashgirl
Top Ten Platitudes Perverted by Clark to Serve the Clex Cause - Jackbugger
Lionel's Top Ten Commandments - Shy
Top Ten Holographic Messages Put in Clark's Spaceship - Shy
Top Ten Things that Would Happen if Clark Joined the Boy Scouts - Shy
Top Ten Things That Would Happen if Clark Attended a Prep School (with Lex as headmaster) - outside the box
Top Ten Luthor-Kent Feuds throughout History - Shy
Extra: Paris Kent one day was asked to judge a beauty contest between three goddesses. Instead of judging on beauty, he accepted bribes, choosing the goddess who promised him the most preternaturally pretty girl in the land. Unfortunately, HeLana of Troy was already promised to King MenaLexus Luthor. The king, who didn't like property stolen from him, waged war against the Kents to get HeLana back. They finally won, but MenaLexus realized he didn't really care for his preternaturally pretty princess. He and Paris decided to get together instead, but all their followers were pissed about all the Kents and Luthors who were killed in the war. The moral of the story? So much death could have been avoided if Paris and MenaLexus had just started snogging in the first place. - joyfulgirl41
10. "My, what a handsome devil you are." - Shy
9. "Even you can't get out of our contract." - Jackbugger
8. "Lunch?" - suzycat
7. Satan: "Hey there, damn glad to see you, damn glad." (Vigorously pumps MB's hand.) "Terrific job you're doing on your son there."
MB: "THAT is a GREAT pitchfork."
Satan: "Yes, I stroke it a lot at meetings--keeps everybody off guard." - firestarter
6. You know we're not supposed to be seen together! - adellyna
5. "We agreed I would have Lex this weekend…." - Jackbugger
4. This a two in one: So you gave up Hell and opened a night club? That IS the sign of WEAKNESS my friend. Truly I am the more MAGNIFICENT bastard!; (For South Park fans). So...uh...you swing that way huh. No, no, I don't have a problem with it, I think my son swings that way too. - Gnosis
3. Hi Brother, Nice to see you again. How's hell these days? - Tonicat
2. "Satan how lovely to see you. You're in fine fiddle this morning." *Lionel then makes mental note to quit talking to himself in the mirror so much.* - Thayli
1. Lionel: So how's our little running contest going?
Satan: Look, Lionel, I know you try very hard, and you always seem to be right on my tail. It's just that I've been ruining lives since the beginning of time. I don't blame you if you can't catch up from that kind of deficit.
::Lionel lists destroyed lives and broken spirits for the week::
Satan: Damn. Looks like I'd better get back to work. - outside the box
10. An entirely squick-free top ten list. - Minders
9. Clexy smut - DCookKC
8. Eight? No eight.
7. A virtual Officer Funboy stripper who does the dance of the seven chupa chups, and leaves a home made pajmina blankie as a gift. - adellyna
6. A sparkly, glitter-encrusted home-made card from wiley 's spice (plural of spouse) and the whole harem, complete with naughty one-liners cos laughter is the best medicine. Or sex is, I forget. - Jackbugger
5. The latest toys from Mattel: My Pretty Farmboy (comes complete with barn-loft playset) and Lickable Lex (clubbing leathers sold separately) - Minders
4. Lots of ass-glitter. Opalescent lilac ass-glitter it is! - AlejandraDD
3. Is there such a thing as Virtual Hottub With Michael Rosenbaum And A Bottle Of Ripple? Wiley might appreciate that.... - Bulletproof Monk
2. Free pie for an entire year. - phantom_minuet
1. Life-size virtual versions of Clark & Lex - naked, of course. - Slashgirl
10. The Clex version of Amends , in which Lex is so haunted by ghosts of several victims of Lionel Luthor, that he's driven to attempt suicide on Christmas Eve & only Clark can stop him. B/A's final confrontation in that ep fits perfectly with canon Clex, IMO. - Slashgirl
9. In an attempt to win Chloe, Pete could blackmail a witch into casting a spell, meteor-based, of course, which horribly backfires & makes every female in Smallville who isn't related to Pete, fall for him & they show it, in sometimes wildly inappropriate ways (case in point - Martha in a raincoat & nothing else), until he rejects them & they become an angry mob. - Slashgirl
8. Jonathan dies. After the funeral, Clark and Lex have a touching moment in the cemetery. (Forever) - C.
7. SV's residents participate in a parent-your-own-egg program.
Clark: "I better not--my dad says I'm too strong, and I'll break it."
Lex: "It's some kind of foodstuff, isn't it? Sorry, I never eat."
Whitney: Breaks his open, drinks it down raw, runs up the steps of the SV courthouse.
Chloe: "I'll have to investigate this further."
Martha: "Let's call Metropolis United Charities and adopt it!"
Bo: "I know I won't be counting this until it's hatched."
Pete is silent.
Lana: (drops hers) "This reminds me of my dead..." The rest of the cast covers her mouth. - firestarter
6. Lana goes on and on with the pancakes. Whitney finally gets up. Lana: "Where are you going?" Whitney: Out. For. A. Walk...Bitch!" - Shy
5. A mishap with one of the ongoing meteor experiments at Cadmus turns Lex invisible, and after a bit of mischief to blow off steam, he heads for Kent Farm to blow Clark without needing to worry about getting caught. (Hopefully that one didn't in fact get done in the first list; I can't remember and only just saw the ep in rerun.) - Jackbugger
4. Some krypto something or other causes Lex and Clark to act out a tragic love story that ended in death (as tragic love stories so often do) so that the spirits haunting the school can be set free. In the end, Lex shoots Clark, which doesn't hurt him b/c Clark's all alien boy. The spirits reconcile and are able to ascend or whatever. Clark and Lex kiss, alot. (I Only Have Eyes For You) - joyfulgirl41
3. While everyone else is occupied with something else, Pete discovers, and takes care of, a plot to blow up the school. No one notices. (The Zeppo) - C.
2. Something mysterious causes every adult in Smallville to start acting like teenagers again, especially Jonathan & Martha, who start dressing weird & screwing on top of a police car. The cause turns out to be Band Candy made by a subsidiary of LuthorCorp & distributed by Lionel Luthor in an attempt to trick the Smallville citizens into giving away their land so that he can build more LuthorCorp plants as a tribute to himself & it's up to the Smallville scoobies to stop him. - Slashgirl
1. Clex have hot, passionate sex in an abandoned building, nearly tearing it down in the process ("Smashed" & Wrecked") - Slashgirl
10. "Any boy worth doing is worth doing over and over again, Lex...." - Jackbugger
9. A cock in the hand is worth two in the bush. - autumnyte
8. "C'mon Lex, cocks won't suck themselves." - joyfulgirl41
7. Missing
6. Missing
5. "Lex, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but the zippers get all sticky." - phantom_minuet
4. The road to hell is paved with hot gay sex. - firestarter
3. Always look on the back side of Lex. - adellyna
2. A switch to my behind saves time. And it's fun! Can we use the riding crop next? - Jackbugger
1. Love is all you need. - Thayli
10. Thou shalt not lie, kill, butcher, capitalize, maim, screw over, steal, cheat, screw under, pummel, leech, screw sideways, torture, betray, charlatanize, screw from behind, loot, covet, bribe, deceive, tickle, victimize, screw horizontally...and get caught. - Shy
9. Thou SHALL covet thy NEIGHbor's EV'rything, LEX! - firestarter
8. To Lex: Thou SHALL flirt with EVERYthing in sight, wether IT'S animate or NOT! - isabou
7. Thou SHALT emulate thy FATHER, Lex -- NOT thy mother! - Jackbugger
6. Thou shalt taunt your son incessantly, thereby introducing weird incestuous vibes in your scenes. - isabou
5. When entering a room, thou shalt quickly scan your surroundings to find an object to fondle (blue billiards balls are always a good choice). If nothing presents itself, use one of your gloves.... - isabou
4. Thou shalt not take the name of LUTHOR in vain...in bed. - Blue Girl
3. LEX, I AM thy faTHER. Thou shalt alWAYS NEED me! - Blue Girl
2. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself...as infrequently as possible. - phantom_minuet
1. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath Day and keep it available for emergency business meetings. - phantom_minuet
10. "Help me, Obi Won, help me...." - Shy
9. 3-D Map of the Milky Way galaxy, with two blinking arrows, one "You WERE here" and the other "You ARE here" - i know Nothing! NOTHING!
8. "Planets in the viewscreen are larger than they appear." - phantom_minuet
7. Don't Panic - BlueFroggy
6. "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...." - C.
5. ...and remember son, don't get near the green stuff, it dangerous for you. - lex'sbabe
4. There were some Disney videos to keep him occupied, but it stuck in a loop on "Some day your prince will come...." - edie22
3. You will need to recharge your energy periodically, via exposure to your new planet's Yellow Sun. If you can't get to sunlight, in a pinch, full-body exposure to a hairless human also works and will be markedly more effective with exchange of bodily fluids. - Jackbugger
2. Kal-El, there's this thing called the Phantom Zone...oh screw it, I'll tell you when you're older. - outside the box
1. Bald+purple+The Sexy=love. Black hair+pancakes+no upper lip=evil (Eliminate A.S.A.P.!) - Shy
10. Lex would become Scoutmaster - Shy
9. Clark would earn a merit badge in woodcraft. - phantom_minuet
8. Lex would see to it that Clark learned his knots like a sailor. - Jackbugger
7. The oath of allegiance to the Queen would be reinstated. - suzycat
6. The scout leaders would develop a merit badge for cocksucking. - autumnyte
5. He'd get kicked out. They are a strictly no gay and no bi club. Also no females so pretty much if you want to have sex with Lex (or any man for that matter) you are not welcome. - Thayli
4. Scout Motto: Be Prepared. Clark carries lube and condoms everywhere he goes. - phantom_minuet
3. Scout Slogan: Do a good turn every day. Lex: Turn over, Clark. Clark: Okay. - phantom_minuet
2. In order to earn his Leatherwork Merit Badge, Scoutmaster Lex would have Clark stitch skin-tight leather pants onto the former's body. - outside the box
1. Clark would have to quit or fake his merit badge for Geology because he'd get sick from the Plot Rocks. - outside the box
10. After lights out, Lex paints a red S on Clark's chest and Clark paints a red lightning flash (a la Nuanda on DPS) on Lex's chest. - Zev
9. Two words--ritual humiliation - phantom_minuet
8. One word: Paddling - Jackbugger
7. He learns Latin. Beginning with fellatio. - DCookKC
6. Clark starts wearing school ties...in tasteful colors that don't clash with the bed linens - phantom_minuet
5. Lex discovers that Clark can't break free if tied to the bed with the school tie. "Oh, you'll not escape these. Old school ties are the bonds that can never be broken." -one of my favorite Avengers lines. Spoken by the villian in a similar situation while Mrs. Peel was being tied up, wearing her famous leather cat-suit. - TGC-64
4. Lex shows Clark the proper technique for "sanding his paddle," with plenty of visual aids and hands-on instruction. - Jackbugger
3. Lionel (who, strangely enough is the headmaster) would try to force Clark to sell a crapload of chocolate. - autumnyte
2. Clark would be Lex's fag. *blinks* What? It's a perfectly valid and innocent tradition! -
1. He'd learn proper etiquette...or sit crying in the corner with a dunce cap. Until Lex rescues him and they blow (NOT LIKE THAT!) out the crabby teacher's tires for revenge. Then Lex treats Clark to a fancy dinner and feeds him fruit slices with his fingers. - Shy
10. In 1066, the Norman de Luthour family pissed off the yeoman Kents (of Kent) by building a shonky great castle in the middle of the Kents' field without asking and changing the local language to French, forcing Cow Kent to be referred to by one and all as Sir Boeuf. The feud really took off, however, when the Kents sprayed the de Luthour castle walls with slurry, accidentally-on-purpose covering a large gathering of important guests with smelly liquefied cow sh*t. - suzycat
9. The Kentfields were mountain farmers on the West Virginia side of Tug Fork of the Big Sandy River. The McLuthors were large landowners on the Kentucky side of the same stream. During the Civil War, young Anderson ("Devil Anse") Kentfield, fighting with the Confederates, killed Harmon McLuthor, a Union man, in battle. He came home a Confederate captain and quarreled again with Randall McLuthor, Harmon's kin, over a stolen pig. Then Devil Anse's oldest son, Clarkse, brought Randall McLuthor's pretty daughter Lexanna home from an Election Day picnic. His father wouldn't allow a marriage, but they lived together anyway. After that, it was open war. - phantom_minuet
8. The Massacre of Smallglencoe--On February 13, 1692, thirty-eight persons of a small branch of the MacKent clan, including two women, two children, and the old chief, not to mention an entire herd of perfectly innocent cows, were murdered by a small party of Luthorbell hired thugs. The justification for the massacre was the failure of the chief, Jonathon MacKent, to take the oath of allegiance to Lionel of Orange by a prescribed date. - phantom_minuet
7. Luthorbar of Ulster had arranged to marry the cursed but undeniably gorgeous, and much younger, Lanadre, but his plans were upset when Lanadre fell madly in love with Niall O'Clark, a distant relative, and ran away to Scotland. After some time Luthorbar convinced his uncle, Fergus McKent, to extend an offer of peace to the lovers and bring them home. Which he did, but Luthorbar engaged in hideous treachery, killing Niall and his brothers and forcing Lanadre to marry him, after which she committed suicide. Fergus McKent was so angry he left Ulster and offered his services to the province's most bitter enemy. Pillow talk ensued and there was a big war involving bulls. It was very exciting. Ulster won, btw, but only because they had an ambiguously bisexual superhero. - suzycat
6. The Luthors and the Kents animosity goes back only to 1985, when both clans were on the #1 game show in America...The Family Feud. For the Luthors: Lionel, Lillian, Enrique the Manservant, Pamela (best friend of Lillian and Lex's nanny), and precocious 5 yr old Lex. For the Kents: Bo, Martha, Jerome Kent, and good family friends Louis and Laura Lang.
The questions that scandalized each clan with the respective answers and set them on the path of hatred to this day included: Name a part of the body that's hard to keep a Band-Aid on (answered by the Luthors...edited for TV) and Name an animal you might see in the zoo (answered by the Kents...all farm animals...names of which caused a domestic disturbance between Martha and Bo).
But the Kents, being far ahead, lost in the final round w/ the following questions; to this day Bo thinks the game was fixed: Name a famous royal (for Lillian), Name a famous Scotsman (for Lionel), Name a gourmet food item from Sweden (for Pam), Name an item in your closet (to Enrique) and Name one of the 20,000 lunar lakes (went to Lex).
The animosity has lasted to this day…. - Lyonside
5. Things were not well on Squealing Pig Mountain the day Cletus Kent drove off in the General Lee with the still the Luthors used to make their prized tobacco juice-and-mosswater moonshine. - Bulletproof Monk
4. K'nt stood proudly over the carcass of the elk he had brought down with his own two hands (aided by a sharpened stick, of course). As he prepared to drag the body back to his mate he was intercepted by his old friend L'r. L'r challenged K'nt, saying that since K'nt was on his property, the elk belonged to L'r. Before K'nt could respond by whacking L'r with his stick, three of L'r's henchmen (hired with payment of stone tools) carried the carcass to L'r's cave. L'r threatened K'nt, and when that didn't stop him from following, L'r threatened K'nt's family, including his beloved son. K'nt backed off then, but vowed that his family would never forget the treachery of the L'rs. - C.
3. No one could really remember why the Montaluthors hated the Capukents, or why the Capukents loathed the Montaluthors. It was enough that everyone knew not to invite them to the same parties. Unfortunately, Lexeo Montaluthor was a rascal and rake and a connoisseur of free booze, so he crashed a party with Capukents on the guest list. Namely, one Juliclark Capukent. Eyes met. Lips met. People died. Plans were made. Vows were exchanged. More people died. Everyone else felt really bad about it. - phantom_minuet
2. Failure to achieve the American Dream after generation upon generation of capitalist inequity led the Kent family to take a violent dislike to the Luthors, because they already had money, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that in a capitalist economy, those who have capital to start with will invariably accrue more capital than those who do not. Meanwhile, the underlying knowledge that their comfortable lifestyle was built on the bones of the oppressed workers and exploited native peoples created a fundamental unease in the Luthors which expressed itself in a violent dislike of poor people. - suzycat
1. "...and so I said to him, 'Geez, Lionel, you didn't have to yell at me like that. I said I was sorry that I masturbated into your pillow and didn't warn you before you laid your face on it but I don't see why we can't still share a dorm room....' Man, the Luthors sure can hold a grudge let me tell you." From Jonathan Kent: The College Years! - Bulletproof Monk
