| With love and gratitude, I dedicate this work to my mother, who did not let me chew gum, lest I sound like "a cow walking through mud." |
| Gentle reader, this section is not intended for ladies with delicate sensibilities, or their mother superiors, as it concerns intimate matters, not the minutiae of tea dances or the use of fish forks. When bedding down during your period, consider the laundress. If either of your mothers will be stripping the linens afterward, please do get to know each other somewhere else and avail yourself of one of those Instead SoftCups, which collect a young woman's flow and can be worn during the act. If lodging at a hotel, motel or inn with more than six rooms, proceed indeed, leaving a $5 tip for the housekeeper. I assure you the help there has seen worse. 'Tis always polite to explain your condition in advance with, "Darling, I'm a touch crimson tonight," lest your lover worry that his or her genitalia is what is bleeding. Do not emulate one debutante I know who acts shocked and exclaims, "Look what you've done to me!" each month. If you happen to walk in on your significant other flagrante delicto with someone else, close the door, pack a chic weekend bag and leave. You may perform one small vengeful act while waiting for your ride, so long as you set nothing on fire. In general, the bedroom is where simple courtesies and pleasantries are most necessitated. For example, even though everyone knows there is nothing shameful about masterbation, there are those who will be embarrassed if you witness their solo act unannounced. If the self-pleasuring person is someone whom you've had the pleasure of pleasuring, you should remove your clothing (or at least your chapeau) as encouragement. Clapping is always nice. If the heaving person is someone whom you do not want to regard as having any sexual impulses whatsoever, such as the sweaty manager of Dunkin' Donuts, it is best to beg pardon and take leave. Never speak of it again. The next time you meet, however, you should be sure to touch his or her forearm to show that you're not clucking, "Dirty heathen!" to yourself. Racy telephone conversations may occur as often as you see fit. Bear in mind, however, that call-waiting is not to be answered. And hanging up before your friend has enjoyed a denouement, if you will, is unacceptable. Finally, no matter how deserted the gas station or company break room may appear, please resist conducting these tete-a-tetes from public telephones. If you are a person who emits curious noises during intercourse (rhymes with chief, in crude parlance), you might be tempted to offer a feeble "Goodness, I never!" explanation. do not. You ought never to apologize for anything that happens in the boudoir. Nor should you refrain from asking for exactly what you want, so long as you say please and thank you. |
| Chapter 1: Entertaining at Home |
| While it is helpful to know that the admiral should be placed to the right of the hostess, seating charts won't save you when your consort's father comments lecherously on your gams. If a family member of you lover makes unwanted advances, execute an act of mild violence-- drink in face, for one. The perpetrator of the pass may simply be testing you to find out if you're as loose as everyone says. Once you've taken the appropriate action, never speak of it again. See Figure 1. When declining dates, you have two options: "No [dramatic pause]. But thank you for asking." Or "No, I have wrist pain. But thank you for asking." Though the latter leaves a dangerous door open to subsequent make-out-party invitations and the like. When hostessing a gala at which most of the guests in attendance are former paramours, you are to introduce past lovers to current ones thusly: "Blaine, this is Maximilian. Blaine likes to call out rugby terms at the oddest moments! And Maximilian bakes a divine souffle." If you overhear one of your significant other's family members saying something cruel about you, like "I'd sooner disinherit Thayer than let him marry that harlot from Charlotte," you must pretend you didn't hear or that you are too stupid to follow words in rapid succession. If the offending statement occurs within 72 hours of your Wedding Day, you may instead say something histroionic like, "You'll never see our children. Never!" Preferably before fainting. Though if you faint and inadvertently drool on the carpet, send a note apologizing-- not for the outburst, but for the mess-- within 36 hours of your collapse. |
| Chapter 2: Introductions and Public Protocol |
| Chapter 3: The Elegant Wedding |
| It's never too late to back out of the Big Day, provided you furnish your parents, your guests and your intended with an acceptable excuse (an unspeakable rash, perhaps, or wrist pain). If you change your mind well in advance, do send engraved, ecru monogrammed note cards to your guests. "Weddings's off. I couldn't possibly," should suffice. If you back out within 24 hours, please see Figure 2. |
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