Abigail: If you're nervous I'll detect it and mock you mercilessly on national television.

Lily: Your guy has a 48% approval rating. My guy's at 61. And bite me.
Sam: Ah. Point well argued.

Donna: So I've been reading this book...
Josh: I'm on the phone.
Donna: You're on hold.
Josh: How do you know?
Donna: The light was blinking.
Josh: (sigh)...What book?

Sam: Tell you this, though, I'm going to the gym today.
Toby: Okay, that doesn't seem to be about anything that interests me.
Sam: I'm just saying, Bernie Dahl has a heart attack, bam, right out of nowhere?
Toby: It's his fifth heart attack, Sam. He's 138 years old.
Sam: Yeah well these are highly stressful jobs. I haven't been to the gym in three weeks.
Toby: Sam, look at yourself. How much healthier do you want to be?
Sam: I'm just saying that if anybody needs me at lunch I'm going to be at the gym. And that's going to be sad for me because I'm going to live longer than you.
Toby: Don't count on it.

Josh: We're going to do good cop/bad cop.
Toby: No, we're really not.
Josh: Why not?
Toby: Because this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How 'bout you be the good cop, I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?
Josh: You have to go to the meeting. I told them you'd be at the meeting. If you're not there they're going to start right out insulted.
Toby: I go to this meeting, there's a decent chance they're going to end up insulted.

Bartlet: We don't handle my wife. When we try, you know what happens at the other end of this building?
CJ: You get a little punishment.
Bartlet: I get a little punishment. Screw it. Let's move on. It's not a big deal.
CJ: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: But try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece, then take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: Yeah, Leo says I can do that. It's going to be Phyllis, who has never liked me, it's going to be Susan who thinks I'm xenophobic because I don't like Mexican food. These are my wife's friends. Could be our old next-door neighbors, Herb and Marjorie Douglas. They're still angry at me because I accidentally ran them over with my car.

Leo: Sometimes I don't even know what you're talking about.
Bartlet: Sometimes I'm just making it up.

Bartlet: You used to go to school in overalls with a little hat.
Zoey: Yes, I used to be five.
Leo: What's up, Zoey?
Zoey: Just keeping it real.
Leo: Hmm?
Bartlet: Who the hell knows?

Bartlet: Why aren't you taking math?
Zoey: Because I graduated high school.

Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.
Congressman: Yeah.
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota.
Toby: Then shut up.
Josh: What Toby meant to say is that we don't get to see you guys often and it's a crying shame.
Josh: This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.
Toby: I've cultivated that reputation.

Josh: You like winning, don't you?
Toby: Saves you from having to say the word please.

Sam: You've got to learn the signs, CJ.
CJ: I know!

Congressman: Are we keeping you two from something more important?
Toby: Many, many things.

Danny: How you doing, Mrs. Landingham?
Mrs. Landingham: Fine, thank you, Danny.
Danny: You keep glancing over like you're afraid I'm going to steal something.
Mrs. Landingham: No. I'm just not used to having members of the print media in here.
Danny: I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.
Mrs. Landingham: Aw, Danny. And I was just about to offer you a cookie.
Danny: And now?
Mrs. Landingham: No.

(discussing Zoey)
Charlie: Look, I do what I do, I go where I go. If it's a problem for the Secret Service that I'm black, then that's the way it is, but she shouldn't expect candy and flowers, you know what I'm saying?
Danny: I know what you're saying, but I don't think the problem is that you're black, I think the problem is you're stupid.
Charlie: Well thanks Danny, you pick me right up!

Danny: I'd get in trouble with the First Lady.
Bartlet: Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made.

(discussing book about life 100 years ago)
Donna: Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses' were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into a woman's drinking water.
Josh: Why would anyone want to diminish a woman's sexual desire?

Abigail: I concede I was wrong about the thing.
Bartlet: Good.
Abigail: However --
Bartlet: No, no however, just be wrong. Just stand there and you're wrong. Listen, be wrong and get used to it.

Charlie: I came to apologize.
Zoey: You left me sitting in the restaurant.
Charlie: I feel bad about that.
Zoey: Are there other things you feel bad about too?
Charlie: Yes.
Zoey: Name them please.
Charlie: I...Off the top of my head I woudn't be able to give you a comprehensive list. Just suffice it to say that anything I've done to upset you, even if it only exists in your kind of confused little mind, I really apologize for.

Sam: The news cycle doesn't belong to us.... It's not ours to give away.

Bartlet:The market's going to open 200 points down.
Leo: If we're lucky.
Bartlet: When was the last time we were lucky?
Leo: Super Tuesday.

Bartlet: You could have been nicer to me during this conversation.
Leo: How?
Bartlet: By saying that Wall Street does trust me and the market'll hold while I appoint a new Fed Chairman.
Leo: Sure, just give me a minute to call my broker and dump my portfolio.
Bartlet: I'm not willing to jump into bed with Ron Erhlich yet, making me one of the few people in my family who can say that.

Toby: We are waiting a day to make our announcement out of respect, Josh.
Josh: For whom.
Toby: The dead. . . and how I wish I were one of them.

Sam: That was a nice bit of diplomacy I just did there.

Bartlet: ...try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?
Leo: Yeah.
Barltet: Yeah. Leo says I can do that.

Leo:You know, sometimes even I don't know what you're talking about.
Bartlet: Sometimes I'm just making it up.

Gina (Zoey's Secret Service Agent):You're looking at the girl whose job it is to jump in front of the bullet. I like it when she stays in her dorm and watches videos.

Charlie: I don't think the problem is you're Black, I think the problem is you're stupid. . . . A dozen body guards. Everyone wants to get close, everyone wants a thing. . . . Plus, and I say this standing 15 feet away from the Oval Office. . . life with father couldn't have been a real company picnic. If it was me, just for now I'd make sure I was the one guy who was hassle free. But that's just me.

Abby:...I concede I was wrong about the thing.
Bartlet: Good.
Abby: However.
Bartlet: No, 'however', just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong. And get used to it.