Toby: Mrs. Landingham, does the president have any free time this morning?
Mrs. Landingham: The president has nothing but free time, Toby -- right now he's in the residence eating a bowl of Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Shall I get him for you?
Toby: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby?
Toby: Late 20s.
Mrs. Landingham: Attaboy.
Toby: Can I have a cookie?
Mrs. Landingham: No. Good morning, Sam.
Sam: Good morning.
Mrs. Landingham: Have a cookie, Sam.
Sam: Thank you.

CJ: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
CJ: No.
Bartlet: Me neither.
CJ: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.
Bartlet: I know.
Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir.
Bartlet: I know.
CJ: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam: It was big hats.
CJ: What difference does it make?
Bartlet: It makes a difference.
CJ: The point is we got whomped in Texas.
Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice.
CJ: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.
Bartlet: I think I was there.
CJ: And it was avoidable. Sir.
Barlet: C.J., on your tombstone it's gonna read: "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc".
CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know "post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Bartlet: Thank you. Next. Leo.
Leo: After it, therefore because of it.
Bartlet: After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
CJ: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlet: Go figure.

Josh: You slept with a call girl?
Sam: Well no -- well, yes, yes I did.
Josh: Does she know who you are?
Sam: No, I didn't reveal my secret identity, Josh.

Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally.
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand, did you trip over something?

Toby: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves.

Daisy: You're a good man, Josh!
Josh: Yes, I really am quite something.

Toby: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves. Bartlet:I am not frightened. I'm going to blow them off the face of the earth with the fury of God's own thunder.

Josh: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.
CJ: What's his problem?
Donna: He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in all the land.

Bartlet: What is that?
Tolliver: It's a flu shot.
Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot.
Tolliver: You do need a flu shot.
Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coo?
Tolliver: Sir?
Bartlet: I want the Secret Service in here right away.
Tolliver: In the event of a military coo, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service would be on you side?
Bartlet: Now that's a thought that's going to fester.
Tolliver: Hold still. (He gives him the needle)