3.09 Bartlet for America LEO: Don’t help me. JOSH: I’m gonna help ya ‘cause y’know why? LEO: ‘Cause you walk around with so much guilt about everyone you love dying that you’re a compulsive fixer? JOSH: No, Leo, no, it’s ‘cause a guy’s walkin’ down the street and he falls in a hole. LEO: Did I win a Grammy for something? JORDAN: Were you nominated? LEO: No. JORDAN: That’s ridiculous. LEO: Well, y’know, those things are so political. POTUS: Listen, I don’t care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me, you’re gonna damn well do it. LEO: Sir, this isn’t a secure call so I’m gonna say to the 17 global intelligence agencies listening in that he was kidding just then. POTUS: What’s she wearing? LEO: (To Jordan) What are you wearing? JORDAN: What’s it matter? LEO: Why don’t you ask the President that? JORDAN: Grey Armani suit. LEO: Spandex. POTUS: I like you and her.  It’s like a 50s screwball comedy. LEO: You’re like a 50s screwball. POTUS: What was that? LEO: Nothing. CONGRESSMAN BRUNO: Would the witness identify counsel, please. LEO: We’ve never met. POTUS: Mrs. Landingham!  Speaking of crusty New England relics… MIKE: Listen – churches are bruning down, otherwise I’d be hitting on you. DONNA: I understand. MIKE: I mean it. DONNA: Maybe when it’s a better time. JOSH: How can there be no evidence of a conspiracy? MIKE: I dunno, it’s probably because we’re stupid. POTUS: Guys, the things we do to women…My wife’s a world-class scientist. CONGRESSMAN BRUNO: I would like our 10-minute breaks to be closer to 15 minutes than they are to a half hour, please. HOYNES: That’s supposed to be me accepting the nomination Thursday night.  But I suppose that your trusting me is consolation enough. MIKE: Gilbert Murdoch, a 17-year-old high school drop-out was pulled over outside Chattanooga for a failing left brake light.  When the officers approached his car, he sped off and led them in high pursuit. JOSH: Why? MIKE: He thought he was being pulled over for planning to make a Molitov cocktail. JOSH: Why? MIKE: ‘Cause he was planning to make a molitov cocktail. JOSH: Did he name friends? MIKE: HE was a tough nut to crack – took almost 20 minutes. JOSH: Mike, that’s your task force out there, the only reason you’re not out there is ‘cause, I dunno, ‘cause you’re a woman or something. MIKE: In 13 years with the Bureau I’ve discovered that there’s no amount of money, knowledge, or man-power that can equal the person you’re looking for being stupid. POTUS: Some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America – I’ve always been very proud of that. CONGRESSMAN BRUNO: We’ll take a 5-minute break – please, let’s keep it to 10 minutes! LEO: I said, I like the little things.  The way a glass feels in your hand – a good glass, thick, with a heavy base.  I like the sound an ice cube makes when you drop it from just the right height – too high and it’ll chip, chip the ice and it’ll melt too fast in the scotch. LEO: Good scotch sits in a charcoal barrel for 12 years.  Very good scotch gets smoked for 29 years.  Johnny Walker Blue is 60-year-old scotch. JORDAN: I don’t care.  What happened in the room? LEO: I’m trying to tell you what happened. JORDAN: You had a drink. LEO: I’m an alcoholic, I don’t have one drink.  I don’t understand people who have one drink, I don’t understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table, I don’t understand people who say they’ve had enough.  How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not wanna feel like this longer? My brain works different. JORDAN: Who was the third person in the room? LEO: Well.  Now we’ve arrived at our problem. JORDAN: I don’t understand how you could have a drink.  I don’t understand how after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid. LEO: That’s because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid.  Do you know how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it’s a lack of willpower/ That’s like saying that someone with anorexia nervosa has an over-developed sense of vanity.  My father was an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic, so in my case- JORDAN: Ain’t nothin’ but a family thing. LEO: That’s right. JORDAN: Who knows? LEO: Josh Lyman and the president. JORDAN: Why nobody else? LEO: Because. JORDAN: That’s a little boy’s answer. LEO: I went to rehab, my friends embraced me when I got out.  You relapse, it’s not like that.  “Get away from me” – that’s what it’s like. POTUS: Well, ell, well.  Doged the bullet. LEO: For the moment. POTUS: Which is more than I can say for me at Rosslyn.