HUMOR
We need to get these people off the street. I propose a test and license to make sure they are eligible to commit crimes. When they apply you simply arrest them for conspiring to commit a crime. This will work. How many times have you heard of the police sending out invitations to criminals for free tickets or I saw them offering a free television on the show Cops one time. When the crooks show up to collect they are arrested. See how easy they are?
The story you are about to hear is true.
The names may have been changed to protect the stupid...
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers column. From Houston, Texas comes the story of bozo Delbert Morris who saw his picture in the paper as a man wanted for a series of robberies against cab drivers. The local crimestoppers was offering a reward for information leading to his arrest. So, our quick thinking bozo went down to the police station, newspaper article in hand, and turned himself in, hoping to collect his own reward. Sorry, bozo. Instead of a reward the jury gave him a thirty year sentence and a $4000 fine.
From Longview, Texas comes the story of Thomas Vance who was seen strolling through the Sav a Lot grocery store. He. From Orange, Texas comes the story of Ronnie Higgins who worked at a chemical plant and thought he might supplement his income by stealing some of the plant's welding cables. Now, these cables are rather heavy and bulky, so how would a bozo sneak them out of the plant? Simple. He took several of the welding leads and wrapped them around his torso. Then he put on his coat to cover them. Our guy began walking toward the plant gate, which was quite some distance away. Now remember we told you these cables were quite heavy and the further the bozo walked the more exhausted he became until he finally fainted right in front of the security guards at the front gate. They revived him and, upon discovering what he had hidden, sent him on his way, relieved of his burden and his job. attracted attention to himself for a couple of reasons. First he was wearing a jacket on a hot Texas summer morning. And second there was a rather large bulge in that jacket. His fate was sealed when a package of pork ribs fell from underneath that jacket as he headed for the door. Alert employees were able to restrain our bozo until the police arrived. He must have been planning on feeding the whole neighborhood, as a police search found another package of pork ribs hidden in that jacket.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paula Perry who sent in today's report from Longview, Texas, where Andrew Wilson was charged with forgery and possession of stolen checks. Our bozo got in trouble when he violated Bozo Rule Number 0057: If you're a bozo you should never return to the scene of your crime. He was arrested when he returned to the Dillard's store to try to get a cash refund on $154 worth of shirts he had purchased there the day before. The problem...he had purchased those shirts with a check that had been reported stolen in a residential burglary a short time earlier.
For Bernard Shaw it was a bad day ! It must have been a tough car to break into since our bozo felt the need to take a little nap before driving away. And that's where the owner, getting ready to go to work the following morning, found our bozo. Sound asleep in the front seat. She called the cops who arrived, woke the bozo up, and arrested him. His first words to the cops who awakened him, "It wasn't me!"
- Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Larry Warner who was behaving rather suspiciously in the Sav-a-Lot grocery store. When our bozo attempted to leave the store with a large package underneath his shirt, the store manager took off after him, chasing him out into the parking lot. Our bozo threw down the package of pork ribs he was hiding and ran, with the manager in hot pursuit. He then tried unsuccessfully to flag down several passing cars before finally jumping into the back of a pickup truck that had stopped at a red light. Unfortunately,he picked the wrong pickup to jump into. It was driven by an off duty police officer who quickly took him into custody.
San Antonio, Texas - Gerald Anderson walked into a bank, headed straight for the receptionist and handed her a holdup note. The startled receptionist told our bozo that she didn't handle money and our bozo snatched back his note and hurried out the door. He returned a while later and this time waited in the teller's line before handing over his holdup note. He got some cash but was quickly apprehended by the police who had been called to investigate his first robbery attempt.
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico comes the story of a couple of guys who picked the wrong vehicle to use to try to smuggle their pot. Our nitwits loaded an old ambulance with marijuana, one bozo dressed as an ambulance driver, the other was the "patient" with a severe attack of appendicitis. They turned on the lights and sped through town. Unfortunately the cops had been tipped off and had set up a roadblock, complete with drug sniffing dogs. When the dogs smelled the drugs and became excited, so did the fake patient, who sat up and tried to jump out of the ambulance. The cops corralled both the driver and the patient and confiscated a hundred pounds of marijuana.
, Tyler, Texas. Really stupid Robert Harrison picked absolutely, positively, without a doubt, the worst vehicle to try to break into. Our idiot was arrested on an auto burglary charge after he was caught breaking into "Snoopy", the sheriff's department's crime scene van.
Brownsboro, Texas - Randy Dillon was pulled over by the police for speeding. As the officer walked up to the car he thought he smelled something funny burning and asked our smart crook , "Where's the marijuana?" Our friendly bozo thought for a moment, reached into his back pocket and pulled out a plastic baggy filled with the stuff. The officer then asked if there was any more and the idiot told him there was another pound and a half in the floorboard and back seat. Our cooperative crook was then arrested.
It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!" His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt. The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live. The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work."
Dallas, Texas (1994)- An armed robber entered a bank and passed the teller a note demanding a million dollars in cash. The teller explained to the robber that the bank did not have that much cash, even in its vault, so teller offered to print for the robber a cashier’s check. The robber gave the teller his driver’s license to make sure she spelled his name correctly. In his haste to leave, the robber forgot to get his driver’s license back from the teller. The robber deposited the check in his own bank account through the use of an ATM a few blocks away.
Dallas, Texas (1995)- A bank robber passed a robbery demand note to a teller, written on the back of his own deposit slip for an account at a bank across the street.
But believe it or not, that's not my favorite. This happened when I lived in the great city of Houston, Texas. A man walks into a convenience store and pulls a gun on the clerk, demanding all the money in the register. Well this guy was at least smart enough to know he could make a better haul than the last guy as this register contained about 100 dollars. The fast thinking clerk started to admire the gun while telling this moron how much he would like to buy one just like it. So our criminal needed the money and sold the gun to the clerk for a check written to the amount of a hundred bucks. You can guess the rest. The clerk turned the gun on the hapless thug and held him for the police.
Forty-five-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to the police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer who was waiting for him, then stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. > >They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should've blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." > The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence. >
E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the Levelland, Texas District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars." The judge agreed. A spokesman at the Hockley County jail said he didn't think Stewart had a lawyer yet...
. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.
Bozo Criminal for 11/13/97 The Bozo criminal for today comes from Abilene, Texas. Bozo Ronald Harrison was fleeing police on foot when he decided to hide in a field. At first his ploy seemed to be successful. Until he was noticed by a large brahma bull that lived in the field. Don't know if the bozo was wearing red, but there was definitely something about him the bull didn't like. Police, noticing the commotion, stopped and found the bozo way up in the top of a tree with a very large bull pawing the ground beneath him.
Also for a laugh check out "Bozo Criminal" by Dave Moreland and can be heard weekday mornings at 7:40 on Sunny 106.5 KOOI, Tyler Texas.
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