BATS
Because Flying Foxes just wasn't gonna sell

  I had ever intention of seeing this at the cheap theaters when it came out, but it skipped those theaters entirely.  And I wasn't gonna drop five fifty on renting this, Dina Meyer or no Dina Meyer.  So now it's a regular rental and I got it for free.  Not that I really want to judge this movie before I see it, but man, just look at the ads...

Meyer stars as Dr. Sheila Casper, a "wildlife zoologist who specializes in..." whatever the Latin term for "bats" is.  So don't call her a "batologist".  She and her wise-cracking jive-talking black stereotype assistant (Leon) are called in to assist when a small Texas town comes under siege by big, smart, extra-vicious bats.  Actually, they're not just bats, they're the dreaded "flying foxes" of some faraway land, genetically altered by an irresponsible scientist (Bob Gunton) and now they're influencing the local bat population.

From early on, the script by John Logan gives you an idea of what to expect (though I'm sure there is any number of die-hard Gladiator fans who'll rush out and rent everything associated with this guy).  "It's a biological emergency," says the guy trying to get Casper to go along.  "What kind of biological emergency?" she not unreasonably inquires.  "Bats, Dr. Casper.  Bats."  Now, I have to admit, some plot points may have gotten past me, but with dialogue like that, I wasn't encouraged to listen.  But if these bats have escaped from a lab, why are there about twenty zillion of them?  How big was this lab?  Was it just the oft-recurring two ringleader bats which escaped, and they're indoctrinating all the bats they come across?  When they spend the last half hour of the movie explaining why blowing up the bats' hideout will only scatter the bats instead of killing them, why do they then proceed to attempt to blow it up?

Even if that all does make sense, and I'm willing to say for the sake of argument that it might and I just missed it, this is still pretty weak as a horror movie thanks to the cheesy visuals, courtesy of director Louis "Carnosaur 2" Morneau.  Look at one scene where bats lay siege to a police SUV; when the camera's in the back seat and both human inhabitants can be seen, through the flock (?) of bats on the windshield can clearly be seen a giant, extremely fake-looking bat gone flap-crazy which looks hilariously stupid.  How many scenes of somebody stumbling around with bat wings flapping around his head can you stand?  And one should not be surprised to see much of the action through the bats' eyes, the irony of bats poor eyesight not once being mentioned or evident.  Poor eyesight indeed, everything is just vertically compressed and kinda slanty to the right.

The cast is mostly very annoying, with the normally appealing Meyer playing a one-note self-righteous scientist, and after seeing her with those gorgeous curly red locks in Starship Troopers, straight blonde hair on her just doesn't look right at all (looks great in a tank top, though).  Leon seems to be desperately trying with every line ("Houston, we got a problem!") to demonstrate just what it is that made it so, so satisfying to see him shoulder-pressed into a stalactite in Cliffhanger.  And Bob Gunton...as soon as you see "Bob Gunton" in the opening credits for a movie, you usually know exactly what role he's going to play, the party-pooping authority figure.  Well, he's not quite that here, but still, he's the party-pooping "you don't need to know" scientist who can be blamed for just about everything unfortunate that happens to the heroes.  Only Lou Diamond Phillips (who might think that there isn't anything worse than being left for another woman, but believe me, there is) is tolerable as the small town's sheriff.

On the upside, it's a little refreshing to see a movie like this having everybody agreeing that the problem is bats right from the start.  I was looking forward (that is, not looking forward at all) to seeing an extended argument among people who had clear evidence that it was bats, and some pinhead like the chief cop in Die Hard whose function is only to be wrong about everything and cause more disaster by it.  Phew.  And the movie ends with a pretty good punch line on a wheezy old horror-flick cliché, though I'm sure I've seen it before.

At least I saw this for cheaper than I would have had I caught it at the dollar theater.  See, patience can be rewarding.  Now, be patient, and wait for the next killer-bat movie to come down the pike, in about twenty years or so.  

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