BODY BAGS
One outta three. Not TOO bad, but not good.
It was with stark terror and despair that I saw this on the video-store shelf for the first time, years ago - is this what's become of John Carpenter? Reduced to directing straight-to-video schlock? Has the string of less-than-rip-roaring successes finally taken its toll? I didn't know that this was filmed as a pilot for a proposed anthology series for Showtime until I read it here about a month ago. I guess that makes sense, and explains that "Showtime" thing on the back of the box.
Carpenter stars in the wraparound material, introducing each segment and cackling with fiendish glee, natch. We meet him in a morgue where he's helping himself to martini glasses of formaldehyde and cutting up what we hope is a steak with a bone saw. Carpenter is such a curmudgeoned crank in interviews that it's pretty refreshing to see him jovially goofing around here, even though his schtick is only a notch upratchet from that of the Cryptkeeper, never seeming genuinely funny until the end when the wraparound stuff wraps up.
Carpenter directs the first segment, "The Gas Station". It's appropriately short and spirited, but there's no disguising that the "under siege by a maniac on the loose" thing is pretty old, older still to Carpenter. Alex Datcher stars as a gas station attendant just outside of Haddonfield who hears radio reports of the loonie on the loose and starts imagining that every creepy-looking guy who comes in is dangerous, and of course one of them is. It's pretty pedestrian, but enlivened by some fun cameos from Ted Raimi (it's credited to Sam, but I swear, that's Ted) and Wes Craven. Still, it's nothing more than a very, VERY mild diversion.
The second segment, "Hair", is the best of the bunch. Also directed by Carpenter, this stars Stacey Keach as a balding, vain man who enlists the aid of a hair-restoration program. It's a safe bet that he gets his hair back, and lots of it - but there's always a price to be paid. This one's hilarious; Keach is very funny in his role. When we first see him, he handles his hair loss the way, well, (sexism alert) like a chick. You know what I mean - (paraphrased) "Do you think I'm going bald?" "No." "Are you saying that just to be nice?" "No. And I'd love you just as much if you were going bald." "Oh, so I AM going bald. What, don't you like hair?" "You're not going bald. And I like hair just fine." "How can you stand to look at me when I'm going bald if you like hair?" You know, THAT kind of shit. Later, when he gets what he wants, we see him mugging in the mirror, holding his prized hair and declaring "It is the source of my strength!" David Warner, Debbie Harry and Sheena Easton (yes, Sheena Easton) are also here; Warner's good as always when he finally shows up in the flesh, but his TV spots are painfully stilted. Easton's surprisingly good, as is Dan Blom as their amusingly Fabio-like hairdresser, but don't look for too much Harry.
The last segment, "The Eye", seems to have a lot of fans but bores the shit out of me every time. Tobe Hooper directs, not a director whose work I have a lot of affection for (he directed this just after the Night Terrors, which is one of the worst movies I've ever seen). Mark Hamill stars as a baseball player whose career is cut short when he gets into a car accident, driving a big long glass shard into his eye. Have no fear, though; he gets a transplant, but - yeah, the rest, you can imagine from there, mixing in "The Hands Of Orlac" and the ol' psychic-link. Sure, you might not see a hand coming OUT of a garborator anywhere else (much less Luke Skywalker fucking a corpse), and Hooper gives this more effort than we've seen from him in years (I particularly liked the shot with an adult Hamill screaming in the crib). But it's slow-paced and predictable, with a Biblical aspect that's tossed in half-assed. Watch for Roger Corman as a doctor, though.
On the basis of these three segments, I would've been reluctant to greenlight more episodes of the series - and so was Showtime, who pulled the plug. One out of three ain't as bad as it could be, but still, it ain't enough.