CONQUEST
Universally reviled as Fulci's worst movie
I picked this one up, since Fulci's name was on it after all, and it had great box art...only it was too late for me to read Terry's post warning all away from it...
...and the result? This may well be the worst movie I've ever seen. I'll have to think about it for a while - I don't call something "the worst movie I've ever seen" lightly, not without giving it some thought, no matter how awful an experience it is. But if this movie had sucked any harder, I'd still be pulling my dick out of the VCR.
A sword-n-sorcery movie needs only four things to be successful - blood, steel, fire, and tits. That's what I would have said 24 hours ago. And despite the fact that this movie had no steel to speak of (and thus no steel to see the fire reflected in), I'll have to add another to the list. Focus. And yeah, I mean as in camera focus.
This is the worst-shot movie I've ever seen in my life - I don't need to sit down and think to say that. It's right there, speaking for itself - this movie looks like it was filmed through a dirty beer glass. I mean, somebody tell me that Fulci wasn't directly responsible for this. Tell me it's a flaw in the tape. Tell me that it's a poor transfer job. Tell me anything. Because no director with half a brain in his head would film an entire film this way.
That's not to say that it would have been a worthy experience if one could actually see what was going on - it's a pretty moronic little tale of a guy with a magic bow teaming up with a guy with stone nunchuks against a chick with a golden mask. That's about it. Whee. Did I mention there's all sorts of disposable goons with wolf-heads?
The movie has two points of merit - now, since I've seen to date ten movies about which I can't even say that they have one point of merit, you might ask why I would be prepared to saddle this one with the "worst movie ever" title. Well, both of them are followed - immediately - by something that completely obliterates their coolness. One is a moment where nunchuks-guy shoots the magic arrows right at the camera, and they spread apart and go right around it. Cool. Unfortunately, the next shot has them going away, and coming from several different sources (!).
The other is when nunchuks-guy is strapped to an X-shaped cross and falls into the sea. Nice touch. Then some dolphins come and rescue him. Yeah, they chew through his bonds. It couldn't have been any lamer if they squeaked affectionately at him as he swam for the surface.
Could this film supplant Breaking Up Is Hard To Do as the worst piece of dogshit ever committed to film? I'm lookin' at the Magic 8-Ball, and signs point to...