THE DARK CRYSTAL (1982) Maybe 5 years in the making was too short a time I tried watching this movie a few years ago and couldn't even get halfway through. I don't remember much, mostly just being bored by it. I remember that the ads for it when it came out were deadly serious, and trying to watch it, I was disappointed that the movie was apparently attempting to cute me to death. I survived the ordeal, but I did not finish the movie. It was years before I mustered the courage to try again...and unlike with Legend, my opinion was not changed. I don't like this movie at all. Like Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal is largely done with puppets, puppets everywhere. Unlike Labyrinth (which wasn't exactly top drawer itself), these puppets have no life to them, resulting in no even remotely "alive" characters to anchor the thin story. If a movie is going to be all puppets, I'm expecting some pretty good puppets. These ain't they. Story first. Under the guidance of the Mystics, Jen the Gelfling must quest for a missing shard of The Dark Crystal, or the evil Skekses will, presumably, do terrible things. The Skekses are like gluttonous vultures in royal garb, and the Mystics are like hippie armadillos. Jen is a Gelfling, which is like a cross between an elf and a gelding, I suppose, which figures because he looks like a little girl and sounds like a little girl and his name is Jen but apparently he's not a little girl. But he does meet a little girl gelfling, who doesn't look or sound any less masculine than he does. The Mystics offer Jen some early guidance but then they take off on the slowest migration of all time, unless you count continents. To say that this movie is all done with puppets would be misleading - there are lots of creatures here which are simply elaborate costumes, and even the gelflings have human doubles in a number of shots which require them to run. What puppets there are tend to be simple, blank-faced and inexpressive, or maybe I've just been spoiled by Farscape. No, that's not it - even Kermit and Miss Piggy were endowed with a range of facial expression. The puppets here have exactly one expression: vacancy. This is further reflected in their dialogue and behavior. This leads to more problems than you'd think. Take one scene where the Skekses make a point of stripping naked one of their own, tearing that (probably soiled) royal garb from his flesh. I couldn't tell if this scene was supposed to be horrifying or funny - as a result, it just felt silly and uncomfortable at the same time. Better puppets could've made this a little more clear. Later, Jen is guided by a gnarled, cranky old wizard woman named Augra who constantly brought Yoda to mind. Aughra is a little better done than the rest, but also seems to be performed by an actor with a mask more often. She's ugly, but fun to look at, if not listen to, loud and shrill as she is throughout her stay. But then, she does add a certain liveliness to things, which is needed in greater quantities than she can offer. The landscapes and sets are all much more impressive, begging for a better story and some more interesting beings to inhabit them. Aughra might be a Yoda clone, but she's got a way cooler house. And as shrill as she is, she does add some much-needed life to the movie. For all of Labyrinth's faults - and there were a lot of them - it had a fun spirit, which is seriously lacking here. And it had Jennifer Connelly, instead of a castrated puppet. It just had a life to it that this movie could've used a few shots of. Could a few years of advancing puppet technology really make that much of a difference? The Dark Crystal didn't do well at the box office, which tells me nothing about whether or not it plays for its intended audience than it does for me. It does seem to have amassed a tiny cult following...but then, what hasn't? If you think you have it in you to become a Jim Henson superfreak, then check it out. Otherwise, join me in my quiet vigil for the ultimate all-puppet extravaganza. Actually, it's less a vigil than an occasional stray thought wondering why there hasn't been a really good all-puppet movie yet. BACK TO THE D's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE