DEADLY BLESSING
The movie that dares to ask: Do horror and the Amish mix?
Okay, they're not really Amish. (you can tell, because nobody says "thee" until over an hour into the movie) They're Hittites, and as Sharon Stone helpfully explains, "they make the Amish look like swingers". I'm pretty sure that to make the Amish look like swingers, you'd have to put a stop to procreation altogether.
I'd heard nothing but ill about this movie, so I went in with pretty low expectations. See, being a cynic can be okay - this way, a lot of crap movies become somewhat entertaining because they catch ya off guard. And this one isn't too bad. Not very good either, but better than its reputation had me believe.
It opens up hilariously (and probably not intentionally),with Michael Berryman chasing around Lisa Hartman (before she went all Hartman-Black on us) and calling her "the incubus". In return, she calls him a retard. Since incubi are by definition male, I was inclined to agree with her (he was probably thinking of a succubus). By the time the movie's over, I just wondered what the hell was going on.
Soon after that, an ex-Hittite is killed in a mysterious tractor "accident", and nasty shit starts happening to his widow, and it looks like those nasty Hittites (led by an unbelievably cranky Ernest Borgnine) are to blame. So, she calls in two friends (one played by Stone) to hang out with her while things cool down.
I have to admit, two scenes in this one were really effective. The first is when Sharon Stone is trapped inside a barn, which mightn't sound like much but it's done quite well. The second is a skin-crawler, where a live snake slips into a woman's bubble bath. (shudder) (just what kind of snake this was supposed to be, I don't know)
All of this was reasonably entertaining, up until the ending. Anybody who cares to explain this ending to me is invited to do so. I have no idea what the hell happened. And I didn't even have any crack tonight.