DRACULA 2000 (2000) A typical corporate mess Safe, corporate, product-friendly...I've long since abandoned the word "mainstream" as pretty much meaningless, but there are still a lot of other adjectives which do the job and describe a movie like Dracula 2000. Drac's back, freed from his coffin in the vault of Dr. Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer) because a bunch of super-high-tech heist experts (two years out of high school, max) think the coffin's filled with treasure. Dracula 2000 actually has a bit of inspiration early on, as it appears that the entire cast we'd been introduced to so far gets killed in the first 15 minutes. It's been a cliché for some time now that the one cast member we really recognize in one of these movies gets killed in the first 15 minutes, but the whole cast? Anyway, they all turn up again as vampires later. What a rip! Whatever Plummer was thinking when he made this, I'll bet it was pretty similar to what he was thinking when he made Clown At Midnight. Jeri Ryan is a lot less sexy as a vampire than she is as a Borg, if that tells you anything about how unflattering those fake teeth are on her. And Gerard Butler as Dracula? Please. If this guy were any more pretty, he'd be wearing the tiara at his prom. Yes, this movie's up to its fang-bitten neck in sexy-vampire clichés. It does have a (very little) bit of nudity, though. Amazing, how few movies have nudity in them these days. There are a few cool "Look! I went to film school!" shots, some deathtraps (deathtraps are always fun), and a wildly scattershot cast, meaning there unavoidably a few hits in there, particularly heroine Justine Waddell. But the movie plays like a big ad for Virgin record stores and bands on that label, even showing a Monster Magnet video at one point. The pacing is lumbering and awkward, the characters stupid (yes, by all means, if you're going to shoot Dracula with a stake-projecting device, by all means get close enough for him to knock it out of your hand), dialogue weak and obvious ("I don't drink...coffee."), and there are logical gaps all over the place. I must be getting tired of vampire movies if I keep asking myself these things, but I really am wondering why people who've just been turned into vampires can instantly perform superhuman feats of gymnastics. Super-strength I can imagine, but shouldn't this take practice? It all comes to a head with one of the most hilariously silly climactic revelations I've seen in a while, with Dracula revealed to be - oh, I won't spoil it, but while it does offer an interesting insight into the vampire fears of crosses and silver (the latter not exactly one of the more widely-"accepted" vampire myths), it's...well, it's pretty damn funny, and I know it wasn't meant to be that way. If today's horror movies are like today's hard rock bands - and they are - Dracula 2000 is probably the equivalent of, say, Linkin Park. Maybe a little more pretty (read: magazine-cover ready) than most, but just as empty of ideas. Nominated for a Saturn, for best horror film. Holy crap, must they be desperate for winners. BACK TO THE R's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE