HOUSE OF DEATH
What the hell was A&E thinking?
For years, I had a list of seven films I'd seen where, even at my most generous (and I'm pretty kind to most movies, I think), I couldn't think of any merit they had. Completely unredeeming movies. Just seven films. In the past six months alone, I've had to add Crocodile and Gargantua to that list. And now there's ten.
I rented this movie simply because A&E (that's the Arts and Entertainment channel, if you don't know) (hey, I don't know if you know) occasionally airs it, and I didn't want to see it cut. The only other horror flicks I'd heard of A&E broadcasting were Night of the Living Dead (a classic by just about anyone's definition) and The Funhouse (which is a favorite of mine and I appreciated the fact that it gets aired occasionally). So, I was curious about whether this film lived up to the other two, regardless of the fact that the TV guide lists the plot as "Machete-wielding maniac kills college coeds".
Final Exam used to be the worst slasher movie I've ever seen, saved from complete worthlessness by a hilarious scene were a guy gets out of an exam in an unusual way. This movie has no such saving grace. Your standard slasher crap? Oh, yes. It has your standard opening where a young, frolicking couple is killed, and after that....for another HOUR...the only thing that happens is when one chick gets an arrow in her back. (more on this later) That's it. For a whole hour, we get a bunch of teenagers partying at a carnival. (where's the death in that? For that matter, I don't even see a house!)
And then the "climax", where the teens are besieged in the titular house (finally, the house of death! Whee!) by the killer, who shows himself to be...I can't tell. All the men look the same in this movie, and he's not referred to by name. Eventually he's pitched out a window, impaled on a bunch of things in a tool shed, and his head explodes (yeah, explodes) when the sheriff decides to whip out his handgun and make sure he's dead. You know, the sheriff who just arrived on the scene and should have no idea what's going on.
Back to the chick shot with an arrow - if you get shot with an arrow, and you're in a public place, do you run, or do you run and scream? Well, she runs. And when you run, do you run somewhere where you might get help, or do you run to the nearest carousel to sit on one of the horsies? Take a guess which one this chick did.
What the hell is A&E thinking? Anybody got their writing address? I'm serious, I'd really like to know. (note: since this writing, I have written them twice, asking for an explanation. I have yet to hear back from them.)