Where the nine-legged man is king
No movie about killer spiders starring William Shatner should be this plain-jane, but that's nevertheless what we've got here.
A small desert town (kinda like the one in Tremors, well, maybe not that small) finds itself in the path of a huge migration of extra-venomous tarantulas who need new hunting pastures because DDT killed all of their prey. As is the case in most of these nature-runs-amok movies, the time they pick to do this is just before tourist season. Only William Shatner as a veterinarian and Tiffany Bolling as an entomologist (I know entomologists study insects, but do they study arachnids too?) can save the day, though it's a good bet that they probably won't.
Shatner, sadly, does not Shatner it up. There are no dramatic (yet totally random) pauses for effect. Instead, he employs the "smell the fart" acting technique, something George W. Bush is proving to be a master of. What's the point of watching William Shatner unless he's gonna Shatner it up? Jeez, he's more fun on my "Spaced Out!" CD. At least we get to see a woman crying over his affections for another woman, a good cheesy sign that it's still the William Shatner we know and love. And I suppose that the scene of him flailing around, covered in spiders will satisfy anyone's craving for his particular brand of overacting.
All sorts of little bits of goofiness afflict this movie, like the early scene where somebody somehow manages to lasso a cow's LEGS, or how the veterinarian and the spider expert employ a method of "destroying" a spider hill which wouldn't even get by me, let alone a supposed professional.
At least there are some pleasant touches, like the first scene where a woman has to deal with these spiders - she picks it up and pets it! Yes, I really WAS expecting her to shriek and jump up on a chair. And any spider movie worth its silk will show people in cocoons, and that's always cool, though they're never as cool lying down than they are hanging from the ceiling and here, they're all lying down.
It all reaches a hilarious climax where spiders manage to overrun the town, causing people (who apparently could not outrun the spiders) to scream and mob cop cars. Yep, things definitely pick up in those last twenty minutes or so. But for most of the movie's length, it's way more plain and ordinary than any Shatner-starring killer-spider movie has a right to be.
Pains me to say it, but I think I would've liked this more if Shatner directed. C'mon, he could've taken the spiders on a quest for God, it would've been brilliant. Okay, maybe it would've just pushed the goofy quotient just high enough for a serious recommendation. Maybe.
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