THE KISS
Why didn't they just call it "The Suck"?
Chalk up a big loser for Canadian horror. I avoided seeing this movie when it came out, because then I foolishly believed that mainstream critics may often be on to something regarding horror movies, which of course they almost never are. Well, they were bang-on with this one.
This one stars Meredith Salenger and her freaky nose as a teenager whose mom dies (when they pull her body from the car wreck, her legs stay where they are!), and soon enough, her witchy aunt (get it? Witchy?) starts moving in on her horny dad. How long until it becomes apparent that it's not his body she wants? This movie's livened up by some good death scenes (one of which takes place on an escalator, heh heh) and a conclusion that is so absurdity-upon-absurdity goofy that you've just gotta laugh. Other than that, it sucks, and sucks hard.
The dialogue is some of the worst I've heard in a while (like with Helter Skelter, I was saying it aloud as I predicted the lines), and it's just loaded to the gunnels with goofy crap. Like when a fight is happening next to a pool, you know somebody's gonna use a rake because there's a rake next to the pool. Why it's supposed to be there, I don't know. And the witch has this silly-looking feline familiar which she occasionally siccs on a victim. And the boyfriend is a cake-delivery guy who wears Miami Vice-style pastels and keeps losing his ear stud (hint: if you're in a movie with a witch that can kill you by having one of your personal affects, leave the fucking thing at home). And just in case the filmmakers had worried about disappointing somebody, they even brought the hedge trimmer and the bugzapper into play at the ending, which rips off The Hidden.
Not a good movie, even though it has its moments. Another Canadian horror flick ashamed of its Canadianness (it takes place in Albany). Shouldn't it just be ashamed of itself?