LURKERS
Almost as interesting as watching flies fuck
Well, well, well. Just as I was starting to forget that there are some really crappy movies out there - after all, most of the movies I've reviewed in the past couple of months are from my own collection - one just kind of oozes out of the rental store and stains my VCR brown. It's pretty bad, guys; worse than Baywatch Nights, worse than Cher, worse than a whack in the scrotum with a steel rod, though probably not worse than two.
The plot has nothing to do with those scary people who read but don't post - man, what a frightening movie that'd make! It concerns some cello-playing chick who keeps hallucinating about three things - one, her abusive mother who stabbed daddy to death, two, the scary blond kid on the front steps of her childhood apartment building who was mean to her, and three, phantasmal old people. Ooh, scary!
The music sucks hard, and the cast does their best to set new standards for bad acting. The situations wouldn't scare a...a...a rabbit! (hey, they're easily scared) The music is indescribably bad. There are all sorts of attempts at eroticism late in the film that fall flat, particularly that senior-citizen three-way. Did I mention that the music is just incredibly, spectacularly, fabulously bad?
The blond girl tries to add to the ever-growing tome of bad horror movie poetry, but I don't even remember what she said. It's not a memorable kind of bad, just a lame, pathetic kind of bad. The plot is a little on the super-crap side, defying anyone to notice, or care. At 95 minutes, it feels twice as long as the last movie I saw, which was October Sky, 138 minutes long.
Lurkers was directed by Roberta Findlay, who gave us other cine-turds like Snuff and a host of movies with some of the most cheap- and lurid-sounding titles I've ever heard. Also known as Home Sweet Home, not to be confused with the movie with a maniacal Jake Steinfeld, which at least had an amusing opening. Any attempt by your loved ones to see this movie should be countered with deadly force. You'll be doing them a favor in the long run.