OMEN IV: THE AWAKENING I was looking through the TV guide and thought... Oh, man. Omen IV is on Space tonight. I was going to watch Star Wars, haven't seen that since the re-release in theaters. But I've got that on tape; when's the next time this'll be on TV? It's not like I'll ever actually rent this stupid thing. I remember seeing this when it made its debut - on TV. Boy, was it bad. I don't remember anything about it, though, except that it was kind of a gender-reverse remake of the first film, and otherwise ignored all of its predecessors. This is gonna be bad. Yep, definitely looks like it ignores the ending of Omen III, which gave us the Second Coming, which would be hard to miss if it happened. But the opening credits say it uses parts of the score. So they won't use the movie's storyline, but they'll use its score. Aw shit, it's co-directed by the chick who did Halloween 5! Wait, I knew that, I'd just forgotten. It's just getting worse. Haha, the adopted satanic baby scratched her adopted mom! She's evil from the start. Bet she has a 666 birthmark. Her adopted mom looks like Sharon Stone. Something just moved over the moon. This nun called it a "spontaneous eclipse". What the hell is that? We can usually see eclipses coming from a ways off. I used to have a watch which was programmed to remember the dates of all the eclipses from 1900 to 2200. Seems to me that if one came unexpectedly, it'd be pretty big news, what with THE MOON BEING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE SKY. Hey, I'll bet that she leaves the convent and we find out that she's a SEXY nun. No, wait, she isn't. Wait, I can't tell if she's supposed to be sexy or not. But, she is leaving the convent. They named the baby Delilah, which means "always visible". GEE, is that anything like "light bearer"? Hey look, some guy with long hair (presumably a Satan-worshipping heavy metal fan) is walking a big rottweiller. It saves the kid's life. Incredible. I'd wager that this dog becomes her protector. After the face-scratching, Delilah behaves herself for about eight years, when she finally decides to unleash the fathomless evil of Hell's fire-scorched depths by making some kid wet his pants. (I didn't count the scene where she beat the shit out of him with her lunchbox, since the little bastard had it coming.) Oh look, a scene at riding lessons. I'll bet this scene is here to establish that horses are afraid of her and go nuts whenever she's around. Yup. Hmm. Why did the kid reflexively yank her hand away from the healing crystal only after she was told it was a healing crystal? Bet it turns black. Yup, turned black. I can't tell if this new-age guy is supposed to be comedy. Oh no, an inverted cross wiped into a steam-covered mirror! That antichrist kid is risking getting in trouble from mom. Psychic fair. EVERYBODY'S afraid of her, and they all go nuts when she's around. A black aura? D'ya think? Tarot scene. OOH, THE DEVIL. The mom is concerned about her daughter's powerful presence. Her friend says "Powerful...like Carrie setting fire to the prom!" Thanks a lot, friend. "What evil made you do that?" When you're eight years old and you spit into your babysitter's eye, there is no chew-out as dreaded as "What evil made you do that?" Look, Delilah's lying down on the merry-go-round in exactly the same position as the girl who died on it. And THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT with the flashback shots. No childhood illnesses. Natch. Delilah just used a stick to draw an inverted cross in the snow. Why? OH YEAH, because she's evil. Wow. This priest actually has a "modern" interpretation of all that "beast with ten horns on each of its seven heads" stuff in Revelation. Heh heh - some missionaries are giving the kid Christian literature. I wish they showed more of this scene. Now the antichrist is being sent to her room. Y'know, the mom could've just hired this detective to find the kid's birth parents WITHOUT telling him every ridiculous detail of the story. Knight, the detective. Oh, this guy's a character. He uses clowns to create havoc and distract nuns so he can look through their records. What a character. Oh, she IS a sexy nun! Incredibly, in the midst of all this satanic mayhem, the mom actually successfully gave birth, and it wasn't to a demon baby. I see, she was wearing a cross. Oh wait, maybe she's not a sexy nun. There were rattlesnakes in that cage, but all these "take up the serpent" people are picking up constrictors. I don't think they're serious about taking up the serpent. She may not be a sexy nun, but she is being bitten by snakes. I haven't seen that kid in about a half hour. Oh no, another everyday object positioned to look like an inverted cross! OH MY GOD, a zombie choir is singing what we thought was the score while looking intimidating. One of them even whips out a cross and turns it upside-down. I didn't think Dimmu Borgir had any videos. Ha ha, the mom just called dying of multiple rattlesnake bites "a freak accident". Not exactly what I'd call such an incident if it happens while a person is STANDING UP TO HER DUMB SNAKE-HANDLING ASS IN RATTLESNAKES. This priest has cheerfully answered all of this hysterical lady's antichrist questions without even once asking why she wants to know any of this and why it looks like she's going to explode. What? The kid is Damien's daughter? Than this movie doesn't ignore its predecessors. I guess that just means the Rapture did happen, but nobody noticed. Sly commentary? Yeah right. Oh no, the new nanny is one of THEM! General Omen rule of thumb: any nanny that doesn't kill herself (or appear to), is one of THEM. THERE'S the birthmark. What, it's over? I know that this was made for TV, but why do TV-movie credits always LOOK so made-for-TV? Man, not another everyday object photographed from an angle to make it look like an inverted cross! Jeez, what a crappy movie. Dammit, it's only quarter to, what else is on? Blackadder's on 14. No, it's some guy named Jack Horkheimer. This Jack Horkheimer guy is pretty flamboyant. BACK TO THE O's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE