|
THE RING TWO (2005)
Why? Oh yeah, The Ring made money. The Ring was a surprise hit which touched off a huge wave of American remakes of Japanese horror movies about ghosts and bad plumbing, none of which I've seen have been as good as The Ring. I could've lived without a sequel though, and that the director of the Japanese original (as well as its unrelated-to-this sequel) is in charge this time doesn't make it any more watchable. I've seen a lot of unnecessary sequels in my day, and know one when I see it. It's six months after Rachel (Naomi Watts) and her son Aidan (David Dorfman) made a copy of that freaky-ass videotape, saving their own hides. They've moved to a rainy town in Oregon in hopes that the girl from the videotape in The Ring can't find them and suck them into their TV. This movie makes a case for small screens. For the first half of its over two-hour running time, The Ring Two is a total bore - after a barely acceptable intro where a teenager tries duping another teenager into watching the tape, it's basically Watts sneaking around unsupervised homicide victims, toilets exploding whenever the kid goes near them, kitchens and bathrooms going all Poltergeist, a deer attack - more on that deer attack later. The evil-videotape angle is abandoned early, which bothered me a little but was probably for the best, because I was sitting there wondering what if you only see part of the tape, what if you've already seen the tape, and I don't think I want to hear the answers. Its second half is a little more lively, even though it's basically retreading all those child-possession movies everybody got tired of by the end of the 70's (right down to the sad reminiscences from a nun in charge of an orphanage), and it depends on some "You can't be Data, Data can't use contractions!" moments to move the plot along. Watts looks awful (maybe not inappropriate for a terrorized woman) and I couldn't buy Dorfman - who was so convincing in the first movie - for a second. Alleviating the tedium is one of the most hilariously miscalculated scary scenes in memory, where Rachel and Aidan are assailed by a herd of CGI deer, all bucks, smashing the shit out of the car with their antlers, obviously trying to get at the juicy humans inside, until they just stop and stand around looking placid (have you ever seen an upset-looking deer?), satisfied with the insurance-company havoc they've caused as their victims slowly drive off. I watched the unrated cut on video (18 minutes longer!), which I can't imagine getting a rating so harsh as an R - no blood, no nudity and one swear, in a catch phrase which I guess is vaguely meant to remind us of "Get away from her you bitch". Watch for a wasted Gary Cole in one scene as a realtor trying his best to make the big spooky house sound like one without a history of suicide. In case the title doesn't suggest it to you, and you decide for some reason to see this movie despite my warning, don't do it without seeing the original (that is, remake) first, or you'll be asking "What the hell was the ring? I didn't even see a ring!" Either way, you'll still ask, "What's with the fucking deer?" (c) Brian J. Wright 2005 BACK TO THE R's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE |