TREMORS 3: BACK TO PERFECTION (2001) Okay, when did the Graboids start looking like big penises? While Tremors 3: Back To Perfection could have been a hell of a lot worse than it is, it feels like it's missing something. Actually, it's missing a lot of things, like pacing, logic, enough gags that work, and God help me, I'm actually thinking that this movie needs Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward. Michael Gross returns (it's easy to be skeptical of a series whose stars diminish from Gross, Bacon, and Ward, to Ward and Gross, to just Gross) as the gun-lovin' Burt, who seems to be descending further into paranoid psychosis without a girlfriend. With Bacon and Ward long gone for whatever reason, he's the guy who's called in to put a halt to the menace when some Graboids (those are the underground slugs) and Shriekers (those are the heat-seeking running things) start tearing shit up in Mexico. Or some country like that. (Part 2 took place in Mexico, but somebody here makes reference to "TWO foreign governments".) He dispatches the Shriekers awfully quickly, and that's all we see of them for the rest of the movie. Then he heads back to Perfection, Nevada, the setting for the first film, where it looks like there are new Graboid problems...not the least of which is a further life-stage for the species, which comes to be known as "Ass-Blasters", for reasons I won't get into ("Sounds like a porno movie!"). Let's just say that if you thought the giant farting bugs in Starship Troopers were silly, you probably won't watch this and think "At last, a farting bug worthy of the name!" Much of the cast of the original film returns here; in fact, just about everybody who survived it is here. This includes both Ariana Richards, who I always thought would turn into a hottie but I didn't think she'd turn into a dead-ringer for Kirsten Dunst (sorry, not interested), and Bobby Jacoby who was so goddamn obnoxious in the original and thankfully has not been made into some he's-obnoxious-but-you-love-him-anyway character. Of the new characters, there's Shawn Christian as a con-man/tour guide, and Jodi Chuang as the new owner of the general store, presumably a relative of Chang (the recently deceased Victor Wong, obviously not returning). She's probably the most charismatic character in the bunch. This is not saying one whole heck of a lot. There are a number of good gags in the movie, many of them revolving around this film's wise decision to continue the first sequel's conceit that the Graboids are not dismissed by the public, but are instead embraced as a fascinating new phenomenon. For that matter, they're declared an endangered species and government people even come to protect them (heh heh heh). I also liked the comic book rack in the general store which features Dark Horse Comics titles like Graboids, and Shriekers, and since it's Dark Horse, I was giggling even before the camera panned down to reveal the inevitable Graboids Vs. Shriekers. There are fewer slimy sight gags than before, but the big one is definitely pretty disgusting, inevitably bringing a chainsaw into the action. As obvious as that one is, it was worth it just to see what made this scene necessary. Tremors 3 has remarkably good effects for the most part, but they're sparser than in either predecessor, and for that manner, when did the Graboids start looking like big penises? I'm tellin' you, look at that Graboid come out of the ground, leaving a gaping hole from whence it came, and tell me it doesn't look like a big dick. This is not an FX decision I would've supported. But a lot of it isn't very well made, like some atrocious continuity during the first Graboid attack (if I notice it during my first viewing without being told, it's atrocious), airhead dialogue which isn't very funny ("I bet he's just nursing a broken heart, or something totally tragic. I bet he's just dying to talk to somebody who understands him!"), and of course the half-assed last-minute attempt at resolving romantic tension that never existed in the first place. Gotta cover those demographics, boys. A roast (or maybe it was a ham) the size of a human head heats up after three seconds in a microwave. Why do people behold in awe Burt's gun rack, which is noticeably smaller than the one he had in the first movie? And the ultimate weapon against the Ass-Blasters is this utterly preposterous makeshift bazooka, which I could go on at length about, but I won't, and I'm not even gonna ask how Burt managed to put a two-foot-thick concrete barrier BENEATH his compound. Being silly is one thing, but I think a lot of this movie crosses the line into stupid. It all gets resolved in a very Jurassic Park-like ending, which I should've known better than to have been surprised by. Tremors 3 is a fair enough time-passer, and worth a look for the curious and fans of the series, but unlike with Tremors 2, I don't think I'll be coming back for seconds. Nice to see so much of the old cast back together, though. BACK TO THE T's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE