UNDERWORLD (2003) Sexy Kate deserves better It's war between vampires and werewolves, and you'd better believe I'm cheering for the werewolves. Why? Because vampires suck ass, as I've mentioned in many other reviews - and werewolves are extremely hairy and thus remind me of myself. Besides, werewolves aren't a bunch of castle-living, self-pitying, frilly-sleeve-wearing prettyboys who'd rather suck Trent Reznor's dick than drink his blood. But this is a pretty low-key war. Remember, they're vampires and werewolves and thus to avoid plot complications, both must keep their existence secret from humans. In this unnamed city with cobblestone streets where the only color available is blue (plus red and maybe purple, if you're a vampire), fangs and fur fight it out mostly with guns - not exactly how you always wanted to see vampires and werewolves making war on each other, but at least they're using custom bullets appropriate for each target, and of course a virtually unlimited supply of them. Good thing there are no cops in this town (well we see two, but I think they're impostors), since it would be only a matter of time before they started looking into why all these stray bullets are made of either silver or UV-irradiated fluid. A smokin' hot, black-latex-clad Kate Beckinsale (seemingly retiring from movies about governesses and decorum) plays Selene, a one-vampire werewolf extermination squad. She interrupts an attempted werewolf abduction of an apparently uninvolved, innocent human (Scott Speedman, not a good actor and I'm still not convinced he doesn't secretly sing for Creed), and takes him under her leathery wing. Vampire politics comes into the picture, new leaders try to usurp old ones, and not once do we see vampires preying on humans. In fact, the only blood-drinking we see is when Selene offers up some of her own blood, and that involves a machine. There isn't anything to Underworld that can't be found in The Crow or Blade or The Matrix; those three movies are impossible-to-escape reference points to describe just about any moment in this one. Visually, it's The Crow's one-color goth schtick; plot, it's Blade's action-oriented monster stomp. The action in Underworld is much in the spirit of Blade and The Matrix, but not as good as either, and certainly not as fresh (wire-fu must stop, now). One scene where Selene, cornered by approaching werewolves who are very unconvincingly running on the walls, shoots a circle around her feet to drop to the floor below has been seen a few times in other movies. While the vampires are recommending which fancy dresses each other should wear, the werewolves are slashing and clawing each other for fun. While the vampires are making a toast to becoming once again united as a single coven, the werewolves are tearing jagged metal blades out of their own chests. While the vampires grow long fangs and put on contact lenses, the werewolves...well, the werewolf transformations here are a lot more like that in An American Werewolf In London than, say, Bad Moon. Werewolves can also push bullets out of their brains, and do not include among them any actors as numbingly shitty as Shane Brolly - his vampire villain Kraven is one of the meekest, stiffest, most boring performances I've ever had the displeasure of enduring. By contrast, Michael Sheen manages to be quiet yet over the top at the same time, buttressing his performance as the werewolf leader with an intense glare few can match. Throughout Underworld, the werewolves come across about a hundred times cooler than the vampires do even without my prejudices. Really, the vampires' only advantages are Beckinsale's sexiness (I don't think I noticed any female werewolves) and Bill Nighy, who shows up about halfway into the movie as Viktor, the vampires' long-slumbering leader, a wonderful image of grotesquery as he slowly reconstitutes himself from a desiccated carcass. The script should've done away with Kraven altogether and brought in Viktor from the beginning, but otherwise there's actually a bit more plot to this movie than the usual. Any movie with a plot like this pretty much guarantees the eventual appearance of somebody who's a vampire and a werewolf at the same time, regardless of Selene's earlier insistence that it's impossible; this vamp-wolf endures a terrific, painful-looking transformation sequence but the end result is exremely disappointing - basically, a man painted blue. The regular werewolves look nice, big and bestial; early in the film we think we're going to be treated to a one-on-one vampire-on-werewolf fang-on-claw fight, but it's over in an eyeblink (werewolf wins, natch). That's about it until the climax, which is still mostly done with guns and grenades. The werewolves do get their own Monstervision, which is unnecessary and not very good...the only really good Monstervision I've seen in the last several years was in Pitch Black. Underworld climaxes with a gore effect that isn't getting any fresher (I'm decapitated? Oh look, I am!) and ends with one of the less subtle setups for a sequel I've seen. At the risk of spoiling things, I must speculate that Shane Brolly must have a hell of an agent, since Kraven disappears near the end and is forgotten about by the movie, as if to return for that sequel. Underworld is too relentlessly derivative (indeed, writer Nancy A. Collins sued, claiming the entire plot was plagiarized from her work - I do not know how or if this has been resolved), and any movie about vampires that expects me to like it has got to give me less fancy-pantsed vampires. To its credit though, it takes itself very seriously, winks and nudges and one-liners being almost conspicuously absent (basically what's scared me away from seeing Van Helsing until it's on video, though Beckinsale looks even sexier in that movie than she did in this one). A rainy Sunday night renter, but don't bump off any previously made plans. BACK TO THE U's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE