THE VINEYARD
Go Hong, go Hong, go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
People are paying up to fifty thousand dollars a bottle for Dr. Po's red wine, and for good reason - it's got mysterious, rejuvenating powers. Just how the wine got these powers might have something to do with all the young, scantily clad women Po keeps shackled up in his basement. Hint: it's red wine.
James Hong, who should be familiar to all of us as "the old Chinese guy in every film that calls for an old Chinese guy", stars in what's basically a one-man show. His casting in the lead is only explained by the fact that he wrote and directed this one too and probably was in complete control - nothing else can explain why the lead character, who holds the secret to eternal youth, is played by a young and spry 60-year-old man.
This is one of the lamest horror movies I've seen in a while. A crew of actors, writers, and producers lands on Po's island and are encouraged to dance. (Jesus, what's with all the dancing?) Soon, they're being knocked off and/or shackled up.
Po's male victims are buried out in the vineyard, but he seems to bury them Fulci-style - that is, about half an inch under the ground. Sometimes, he even buries them with limbs and heads sticking out of the ground. Exactly why he'd then encourage his guests to dance out the vineyard, I don't know.
Hong inexplicably uses this film to show himself off as a loverman and a dancin' machine. Yes, we get to see James Hong dance - A LOT. I mean, intense scenes of acupuncture and transvestism are one thing, but the sheer terror of James Hong dancing...
Features a few shambling zombies - why, I don't know. One and only good line:
"Castrate him!" (hack, cut, slice) "Kill the eunuch!" I had to wonder if that poor ball-less bastard knew what a eunuch was until it was too late.
Avoid if at all possible. If not, just kill yourself.