Duncan’s Guide to Sofas, Chairs and Floors

Sometimes you just can’t get home after a night of drinking, and you’re forced to take refuge on the sofa, chair or floor of the person who happens to live wherever you’ve ended up. Here is my guide to the sofas, chairs and floors I have drunkenly tried to sleep on.

1. Marcus’s Dad’s Flat
Where: A chair in Marcus’s dad’s flat, Aberdeen
When: August or September 1997
Comments: “It’s free if you can down it in one” said Iain. Oh dear. Technically I tried to sleep in the chair, but I spent far more time over the toilet. It could have been worse, though: if it hadn’t been for Simon and Suzz I would have spent the night lying at the bottom of the steps over the St. Nicholas Centre.
Vom? Yes: streetvom, bogvom, sinkvom and the now legendary shoevom. Oh, and not just any old shoevom, but Marcus’ Dad’s shoes shoevom. I say again: Oh dear.
Comfort rating:

2. Gregg’s House
Where: The leather sofa in Gregg’s house, in the badlands
When: various times in 1997 and 1998
Comments: That sofa hates mankind and wishes nothing more than the complete discomfort of all who sit on it. It is ten times worse if you are trying to sleep on it.
Vom? No.
Comfort Rating:

3. Simon and Suzz’s Flat
Where: A chair in Simon and Suzz’s flat, Aberdeen
When: New Year 97-98
Comments: Sofas are not meant to be slept on, but they are at least roughly the same length as people, which means they can be used for that purpose. Chairs, on the other hand… Couple this with the fact that also in the same room were Marcus and Paul, both of whom had vomited like maniacs earlier in the night, Paul in that very room.
Vom? Not from me, but the other occupants of the flat, Simon, Marcus and Paul, had all puked at some stage: bogvom and basinvom.
Comfort Rating:

4. Marcus’s Dad’s Flat (II)
Where: The floor in Marcus’s dad’s flat, Aberdeen
When: New Year 98-99
Comments: I don’t recall much about this night; except that it was the last time I beat McMillan at Tekken 3 (Anna vs. Paul), for which I received a round of applause. I don't think I slept on the floor so much as lay on the floor and mumbled incoherently.
Vom? No.
Comfort Rating:

5. Spence’s House
Where: The floor in Spence’s house
When: April 2000
Comments: It is bad enough trying to sleep on the floor if you have complete silence, but it is far tougher if you have Bonner snoring on the sofa, and next to impossible if you have Iain trying to watch American Pie (for the third time in a row). I had both of these things.
Vom? Not from me, but G was clever enough to do floorvom at some stage.
Comfort Rating:

6. The X-Mansion
Where: The floor in a room in the big house where Chris, Robb and others lived in Aberdeen last summer
When: Summer 2000
Comments: It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t had beer poured on me while I was trying to sleep. But I did. Or if Iain’s lethal Bacardi and coke hadn’t made me vom almost instantly. But it did. Or if I hadn’t tried to see how much Weetabix I could get into my mouth. But I did. Still, Paul spent six hours in the bog, which must be some kind of record.
Vom? Yes, bogvom and Weetabixvom. Paul was responsible for gardenvom and bogvom.
Comfort Rating:

7. Marcus’s Flat
Where: The floor of Marcus’s flat, Glasgow
When: November 2000
Comments: The Weekend of Woe. Not named after the night out, which was great, but after the next day. It took the whole of Sunday for me to recover. My attempts at sleep were hindered by Cowie and Spence talking bollocks in the kitchen for hours, also I suffered from bogvom (and later sinkvom) regularly throughout the night.
Vom? Bogvom and sinkvom. It is from this occasion that “(noun)vom” originates.
Comfort Rating:

8. Dave’s Flat
Where: The sofa in David Barron’s flat, Aberdeen
When: Saturday, July 14^th 2001
Comments: Compared to the rest, luxury.
Vom: No.
Comfort Rating:

9. Marcus' Mum's Flat
Where: A spare bed in Marcus's house in Aberdeen.
When: Not long enough ago.
Comments: That room freaked me out. The bed was comfortable, but the wall decorations were truly scary: Literally every square inch was covered with pictures.
Vom: Oh yes. One count of Palace-bogvom, FOUR counts of Union-streetvom and one count of bowlvom (at 4.45am).
Comfort Rating:

10. Chris and Rish's flat
Where: The floor of said flat in Aberdeen.
When: The day after number 9.
Comments: Easily the most comfortable floor I've ever slept on, but this was ruined by Marcus sawing small children in half all through the night (or he may have been snoring...). Gregg, on the other hand, sleeps the sleep of the dead.
Vom: No.
Comfort Rating:

11. Marcus' Mum's Flat (II)
Where: A sofa (and later the floor) in Marcus's house in Aberdeen.
When: Sometime in the summer of 2001.
Comments: I started off on the sofa but it became apparent that the floor was much more comfortable. That is not a good thing.
Vom: Not there, but I was sick almost immediately upon getting back to Ellon.
Comfort Rating:

12. Chris and Rish's flat (II)
Where: A sofa in said flat.
When: Some other time in the summer of 2001.
Comments: I was reeeally drunk that night. I wasn't supposed to be sleeping there, but couldn't find anyone from where I was meant to be going. Also, I woke up at one point to find G asleep on the other sofa. I have no memory of him arriving at the flat.
Vom: Oh yes. I was Haukor for most of the morning.
Comfort Rating:

13. Cowie’s Flat
Where: The sofa in Cowie's flat, Aberdeen.
When: Sometime in September, 2001.
Comments: A good sofa, but my night was spoiled by the fact that I was Urinator, constantly having to go to the lav. In that flat, you have to go through someone elses bedroom to get to the bog from Cowie's room - which is most disturbing (although I expect it is for them as well).
Vom: No.
Comfort Rating:

14. Dave’s Flat (II)
Where: The sofa in said flat.
When: End of September, 2001.
Comments: This is the king of the sofas. I was The Magnificent Hangovero in the morning, though.
Vom: Not there, but my hangover made me sick after the car journey back to Ellon. I was fine within half an hour of being Pukor.
Comfort Rating: