D1

Wednesday, April 25, 2001
     I made my best friend cry yesterday. Again. I swear I don't do it on purpose! I just love her so much and I get mad when we don't spend time together. So after I apologized, I wrote "I hate myself" about a hundred or so times. Pretty immature for a college student, huh? But when I don't cut myself, I need to do something!
Friday, April 27, 2001
     I've started taking my Prozac again. So now I'm looking forward to days where I can stay up for a whole day with no four hour naps!
Saturday, April 28, 2001
     I went to my first concert Yesterday! It was amazing! The main act was Fuel and they were so good. Brett, the lead singer is really funny on-stage. His fly kept coming open, so he asked a roadie to tape it up, being that he wasn't wearing any underwear. I was in the front row, so I got really squished, but it was fun. It took my mind off myself for a while. Afterwards, there were fireworks, and that was cool.
Monday, April 30, 2001
     School is almost over! I got a B+ in my photography class and am expecting an A in drawing. :0)
     I had to make a presentation in Japanese today. When I got up in front of everyone, I was so nervous! This is totally unlike me; I usually love attention. But today, I was all shaky and stuttering...I couldn't even read what I had written down in front of me. Somehow I got through it, although I probably made no sense while I was up there.
Monday, April 30, 2001 (PM)
     My best friend wouldn't go to the store with me and I'm very disappointed. Even though it hurts, I've stopped whining because that bothers her, and the last thing I want to do is bother her some more.
Wednesday, May 2, 2001
     I dumped one of my best friends the other day and I've been avoiding her. She says she cares about me but we never spend time together. When she asked me why I wasn't returning her calls, I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore.
     I feel kinda bad about it now, and after talking to other friends, I've decided to forgive her. If I claim to be a Christian, I have to live the life, and that means not holding grudges. After all, she actually does care about me; I’m just jealous that she cares about other things too.
     In other news, classes are over and now I have to ::gasp:: STUDY!
Tuesday, May 15, 2001
     So, I got my grades back finally, and they weren't too terrible. I got a C+ in Art History, (I really thought I was gonna fail that class.) I got a C in Japanese, which I worked really hard for. I've often cried on account of that class. I got a B+ in Drawing, I think I deserved an A. I got a B+ in Photography, which I think is actually fair.
     I'm home now, and it's not too terrible either. I've taken to sleeping till about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, but that's O.K. Otherwise, I feel like a parent again; I'm running my house. I'm not sure if that's good or not. I'm telling my parents how to parent, telling them what to buy, what to say to the kids, and Yes, they do listen. I feel like that's good because it helps the family to run; I know what I'm doing. But then, I shouldn't have to do this. I never did have a proper childhood; I feel like I've been a parent all my life, it stopped when I went to college, but now it's back again.
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
     OK, something's wrong here. Today I woke up at 4:30 P.M.! This is highly abnormal. It could be because I haven't been taking my medication regularly, but 4:30?
Saturday, May 19, 2000
     My parents are being mean. I'm being yelled at; I don't like it. So I'll be staying somewhere else for a couple of days. My mother told me (in not such nice words) that she hopes I have a child that hurts her as much as I do and that my child makes my "...heart bleed".
     I don't understand how that is supposed to make me believe she loves me.
Monday, May 21, 2001
     O.K. this is getting ridiculous! I woke up today at 6:30 P.M.! What is wrong with me?
Friday, May 25, 2001
     It's been one of those days, and it's only 9:30 in the morning. Life sucks so much sometimes, even when you try to make it good.
Monday, May 28, 2001
     Relapse! I cut early this morning...Family issues. I feel like ..."if I've fallen this far and started cutting myself after 6 months, then what's the point. Why shouldn't I just give up?" I feel like all the progress I've made has been nullified by five minutes of weakness. I spent six months convincing myself that I was stronger than this; and now that I've cut myself again, I know that I was wrong. I am weak, if I was strong, it wouldn't have happened.
     She left and then I really started thinking. I was trying to figure out this whole “negative self image” thing and where it comes from. Surprise, it comes from years of neglect with parents who constantly reminded me that I was lazy when I slept too much, good-for-nothing when I couldn’t cook, that no man would ever want me, I wouldn’t amount to anything, that I was an idiot for crying so much, and then stupid was the all encompassing adjective. I started to cry when I remembered. I started to cry when I wrote this. I’m crying now.
Oh, yeah, my father’s angry that I don’t call enough. He yelled at me the other day and my mother says he’ll “…consider apologizing…” when I call him.
August 1, 2001
    My father didn't apologize. He informed me that even though the whole thing was he fault of our phone company, he just "...needed someone to blame"