MAY APRIL DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH:
A Rant By Zombie
27/5/04
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Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. That's all I hear coming from the mouths of the popular these days. Those people (yes,
THOSE people) on Big Brother do it all the time. Not that I'm complaining (the fact that everyone on Big Brother loathes
each other makes it the best reality TV series so far - with the possible exception of The Osbournes, of course) but it
does get tiring after a while. So, while I was sitting around listening to Muse and eating ice cream, I decided I should
probably do something with my parent free time while I had it. If I'm lucky I'll have another forty minutes. So let's
just cut the crap and get to it.
As I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate having her last name brought up on the internet in such a way (except on the
possibly thousands of porn sites she is no doubt on) I'll just refer to the subject of this rant by her first name,
April. You see, I was once friends with this April, close friends in fact, I knew practically everything about her, and
she knew all that I felt comfortable having people know about me. The first sign of weirdness in our friendship started
a couple of days after I first met her, if you can believe that. She hugged me and I was a little bit "Uhhhh...." about
it, and she accused me of being gay because I didn't like being hugged by girls. "I like being hugged by girls," I said,
"as long as I know them well enough, and they know my physical boundaries". Needless to say, there wasn't a lot of
hugging for a while.
Everything went fine for a while, but she kept on saying nasty things about my other friends, acting like a total cow
to them and everything. I kind of took no notice of this, you know, kept it at the back of my mind. But it still kind of
annoyed me from time to time. She'd pick on my friend Charelle's army boots (which I think are cool) and my other friend
Rossy's tendency to wear her hair over her face (which I think suits her personality). It was about this time I would
begin to notice little... things about the way she was acting towards me. She was dating this guy, you see, who
apparently was belting the shit out of her and dating his ex behind her back (the ex is actually quite a cool person)
and so April was quite spiteful for some time. She took this out on me and was acting all paranoid and bitchy, saying
that she had no friends while I was sitting right next to her, accusing all men of cheating ("But I haven't," I
declared, "ever." "Oh, you will." she said.) and altogether FREAKING ME OUT.
I tried to tell her that if she hated their relationship so much that she should just dump him. She wouldn't though,
because she loved him. Blah. Love. It bites. So, he does this INCREDIBLY COOL THING - pretends he's gay to get out of
the relationship, and she's stuck without a boyfriend. So she starts getting uncomfortably close to me. I kind of ignore
this - occasionally tease her, saying things like "I wonder what it would be like if we went out" and have fun watching
her freak out.
So one day, when we're walking to my house, she asks me "What would you do if someone walked up to you on the street and
kissed you?" I kind of said nothing for a minute and then said "I would run very VERY far away from them." She shut up.
So then we arrange this thing where I sleep over at her house on the night of our town's Mardi Gras (a pathetic little
event with no distinction whatsoever). All through the Mardi Gras, we're walking around and she is talking to people I
hate. I can deal with this, as long as I think they don't like them. And then we run into her ex boyfriend who has a girl
with him. She said to me earlier that she hoped he didn't see me with her because he'd get devastatedly jealous, but
apparently seeing him with a girl was too much for her and so she screamed out to him "HEY! OVER HERE! IT'S YOUR
EX-GIRLFRIEND!". I had begun to develop a headache. This was too much April.
We got back to her house, and to keep it brief, she hit on me. I was planning on toying around with this for a while,
getting her all riled up, get her hopes up and then have nothing happen. But then the next morning she went around the
house being a totally rude bitch, ordering me about, and just acting like her job was done. That was the second last
time I went to her house. The last time was when a mutual friend ran away. She called me up to ask me if I knew where
she was, and this was the first time I'd talked to her in a month. She asked me to come around to her house the next
day, and being polite, I agreed. We were going to go down the street.
But when I got there, I was waiting for her to get ready to go down the street - for two hours or so - and then she
announces to me that they're going to Castlemaine - a town quite far away. As it was late, I asked for a lift home,
but since they weren't going in that direction they couldn't do it. It was the final straw. As I left, I declared to
myself that this was the end of that friendship. A while later I bumped into her at school, where she accused me of
saying things about her. I happened to be dating someone at the time, and an ANNOYING LITTLE TOAD from my school
(I wasn't telling anyone who it was I was dating) walked past and said, "So it is April you're dating!" As irritated
as I was, I told her that I was indeed dating someone and so she said "Oh, yeah, well, I've got a guy too. You
wouldn't know him. He lives in Melbourne". We parted ways and I began declaring my utter hatred for her.
From then on we haven't really talked apart from one or two altercations in the hallways (which were actually her
attempting to act tough - pretty funny). She started hanging out with someone I really hate. Oh, there was this one
time where she came up to me and said "Can I talk to you?" I said there was no freaking way she'd ever get me talking
to her again, but my friends forced me to talk to her. She said "So, yeah, I'm sorry for, like, shit, and let's just
put all that behind us and be friends again." I said no and walked away with my friends, dignity very much intact. She
gave me a couple of "Please?" looks before acting towards me like I was towards her. Fun!
So, what brings on this rantage? Well, I hope that she comes across this in some way. And, today, we were hanging around
in the railway station adjacent to the school, when she's walking across the tracks to her house. I tell my friend
Craig to scream out "Hey April!" and he does, and she turns around and looks at us, and all four of us (Me, Craig, Rossy
and Charelle) wave at her. She mumbles "Faggot." (I think towards Craig, though I'm not sure if it was "Faggot" or
"Faggots".) Oh, and there was the time she jabbed Craig with one of her pointy freaking hooters... but that's fodder for
another rant. I must go now. Catch ya.