KILL THE METROSEXUALS: A Rant By Zombie 1/5/04 ---------------------- I hate metrosexuals. They're the scourge of our times. I think they should be gathered up in a small flat, pushed into meatpacking machines and then fed to cows and sheep, of whose meat will be fed to the rest of the metrosexuals that we might have missed. Mad Metrosexual's Disease, I call it. It's a plan. To begin this rant, which, by the end of the day, will probably be overlong, wrought with errors and typos, and perhaps quite uninteresting, I should state just what the definition of a metrosexual is. METROSEXUAL (adj.) /meh-troh-seks-ew-ahl/ A straight male who has several mannerisms that resemble those of homosexuals. There you go. Now you should be right for the rest of this rant. What is it that annoys me about metrosexuals? Well first, it would appear to be the trend these days, now that "Queer Eye" is on the air internationally. I hate trends. There are multiple easy ways to spot a metrosexual. And they are: 1. A metrosexual will ALWAYS look like he has taken hours to do their hair in the morning. 2. He acts like a S.N.A.G. - a Sensitive New Age Guy. He's one of those people who you feel happy to cry on their shoulder - and you, in return, offer him a shoulder to cry on. 3. They wear extremely expensive looking clothing DAY-IN, DAY-OUT. 4. They are often clean freaks. If you see one of these traits in a boyfriend or just a normal friend of any kind, run away. Run far away. You don't want to be socialising with one of these. If you do, you're only helping to spread the disease. Yes, I have met several metrosexuals. In fact, at my school, it seems impossible to walk down the corridor without running into at least five. Yes, I have had a metrosexual friend - before I grew an intense distaste for the way he behaved and started avoiding him at every opportunity. But, you say, scratching your respective heads in confusion, how do I know if I'm a metrosexual? Well, my confused friends, you're in luck, because you are holding in your e-hands the amazing, bedazzling, shiny: GUIDE TO ULTIMATE METROSEXUALITY! (Patent Pending) Yes, that's right, you can tell if you are metro just by taking this simple test: QUESTION ONE: Have you ever found yourself eager to watch any international version of "Pop Idol"? Yes/No QUESTION TWO: Have you ever watched a full episode of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"? Yes/No QUESTION THREE: Ever had a meaningful friendship with a homosexual that lasted more than four months? Yes/No QUESTION FIVE: Have you ever been "transformed" by the Fab Five and/or stayed that way? Yes/No QUESTION SIX: Do you listen to feminist ballads and find yourself whispering "girl power"? Yes/No QUESTION SEVEN: Ever watched a full episode of "Queer As Folk"? Right! For every question you answered "Yes!" give yourself one point. For every question you answered "No." don't give yourself any points. Good. Tally them up, and see how you went. 0-2: NOT A METROSEXUAL 3: SLIGHTLY METROSEXUAL 4-6: RAVING METROSEXUAL 7: POSSIBLY QUEER If you rated three, you can still be helped. I recommend you never watch reality TV again and start listening to metal. If you're not into metal, get into it gradually, by listening to Alice Cooper, then Marilyn Manson, then Ozzy Osbourne, then Rob Zombie, then Nine Inch Nails, then every Satan-worshipping band you can find. Also, it would help to look into Satanism, though this is optional. If you rated four to seven, GET THE FUCK OFF MY WEBSITE RIGHT NOW! I don't want you in here, dusting away my pretty little cobwebs and polishing my skull and crossbone collection. The major reason that I hate metrosexuals is because of the music they listen to: SHANNOLL. That's right, that boomshine-swillin', piggy-squealin', backside-rapin', porch-sittin', Barnesy-lovin' country bumpkin. GACK! Sorry. I was just a little disturbed because the Conan O'Brien band played a bad version of "Rock The Casbah". It's okay. I'm alright. Back to the conversation. Males - if you like Shannoll, I have one question for you. WHY?! He appeals to kids raised in the country, apparently, because he's an all-round country boy. Yeah, he's a country boy, all right. A country boy who just so happens to be snorting crack-cocaine from the buttcracks of Jamaican boys at this very moment. Our Shannoll is a mixed breed, you see - he's a metro-bogan. He dresses for success, yet he has an undying love for Cold Chisel. Weird, non? Then you agree with me. But, Shannoll is a topic for another rant. Well, I think I've said all I need to say on metrosexuals. I just plain don't like 'em. They're kind of the yuppies of our time. Brrr... yuppies... don't like them either... So, fare thee well for now, see you in my inbox hate-mail folder. Zombie (grimlyfiendish666@yahoo.com.au)