| Hilarious Quote: "You can't kill me, I'm a cop! What will you do with the body?!" |
| Rating: |
| NO Keanus! He's invisible, but unlike blood gnomes, you won't find him here with a night vision camcorder. Fuck "Blood Gnome" and the werewolf it rode in on!!! |
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| When people want to make easy money, some sell drugs. Some steal. Still others whore out their bodies. Why do I
mention this? Because all these methods have to do with "Blood Gnome" in
some way.
Equation for making money: consumer-quality camcorder + terrible actors + no lighting + cheap puppets = movie that costs very little money. Getting movie that costs very little money into Blockbuster shelves across America nets unadulterated profit. "Blood Gnome" achieves rentals by having women whore out their bodies, thus earning profit to buy the filmmakers' drugs, while stealing a little of the consumer's trust, money and happiness. "Blood Gnome" sucks! This fact became immediately apparent when the star actor Vincent Bilancio is also the producer. It turns out he also constructed most of the sets, cooked meals for the cast and did a little camera work, too. He plays Daniel, a crime-scene photographer who is completely detestable. One fine day, he is sent to photograph two slain lovers engaged in BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) and notices little hand prints and odd cuts all over the naked bloody bodies. Rather than present this discovery to the detectives, he assists his friend in filming another cop's tits. While playing around with the camcorder he discovers that he can see little gnomes, blood gnomes perchance, in the view screen when he has the night vision camera effect on. Again, he doesn't present this strange turn of events to any one. Soon, he meets Divinity, a dominatrix who also makes crappy bondage furniture. He asks her questions about the BDSM scene and she provides physical answers (wink). He also heats up old coffee for her in one of his two microwaves. Bodies continue to pile up the same as before: in the throws of unholy sex with tiny claw marks. If only someone could figure out where these claw marks came from. Oh thats right, Daniel knows but he's too busy trying to take photos of them to attempt to videotape them or tell someone else. Meanwhile, Divinity has taken to Daniel and has brought him into her sinful lifestyle. Keep in my Daniel is a ugly, poor loser who keeps pictures of his wife's corpse on his wall. Framed! Divinity and Daniel are getting it on one night when, in a million-to-one shot, he is knocked out by the side of the door by the blood gnomes. They kidnap Divinity and Daniel is left behind. He struggles to find out her location at his apartment and is attacked by the gnomes. He bites one's hand and by swallowing the blood, he can suddenly see the once invisible gnomes. He battles them for a while with a whiffleball bat and manages a few satisfying chest-crushing stomps. He then has an Instant Messenger conversation with the screen name "Blood Gnome" (I couldn't make that up) and finds out there is going to be a Blood Sport Bondage party nearby. Daniel shows up to the party and witnesses a lot of stabbing of needles through necks, fat chicks, flat chicks and off-duty cops, but alas, no sex. The blood from the fetishists begins to spill and attracts all blood gnomes in the area. They kill the freaky kinksters and knock Daniel out. When he comes back to, a bondage queen named Elandra, who Daniel knew through Divinity, reveals herself as the leader of the gnomes. She has been feeding people to the "mother" who makes a new gnome every time she feasts. They battle, Daniel wins and feeds Elandra to the mother, who disappears into the ground. We are never told why Elandra was helping them. So that's the plot, which makes the film seem shitty. But it's way worse in actuality. There is only one camera used for the entire movie. And no tripod. Tripods are $30 at Target. For a while I thought there was no boom mic either, until I saw its reflection in the glass in one scene for several minutes straight. The acting is so bad it's not even good. It's so bad, it's bad. Extreeeeeeme close-ups are sad attempts to ratchet up the tension. The lighting was so bad I could see digital pixels. Don't say these were all stylistic devices suitable for the genre. Don't stick up for this movie. Don't say anything about it to me ever again. It's so bad that I now admire Bilancio for getting on Blockbuster's shelves. So very bad.... |
| Reviewed by Merlin |