Summary: Upon hearing the title, one is led to believe that this is another overdramatically named film that is going to totally disappoint. But in actuality, "Bloodsurf" gets its name from an utterly retarded sport developed by our protagonists. It involves cutting your legs and surfing so that tons of CGI sharks will haphazzardly attempt to eat you while you are hanging ten.

It turns out that as stupid as the concept of bloodsurfing is, the rest of the movie makes up for it with complete awesomeness. This Dumpy Award-winner for Best Picture (which I probably should have mentioned in my introductary paragrapgh (eat shit Maverick)) will leave you feeling  stunned and stupid like Paul Walker in a public library. It offers everything a crappy movie promises when it signs the implied contract of crappiness.

Let's meet our crazy cast of characters: two stoner surfers Bog and Jeremy, an extreme-sport film producer Zack, an Australlian camerawoman Cecily, tugboat captain John, and his flat-chested girlfriend Arty. There are also a bunch of inconsequential Filipinos (just like in real-life!). Bog and Jeremy and the film crew arrive in beautiful Full-Blown AIDS Island and are greeted by said inconsequential Filipinos, who take them out to bloodsurf the Sharkov Strait. Hardcore, Bra!

Well things go as planned during the bloodsurfing session, which lasts about 5 minutes since they catch one wave and don't paddle back out. They rest for the day, exhausted because some of them were standing on their boards for 5 minutes and others were watching them from a boat. Jeremy has the good sense to treat the audience to a rare reward: underage sex! He frolics off to a natural hottub with a supple young Filipino named Lemmia and we get to see some sweet underwater humping. After she reveals to Jeremy that she's only 17, he feeds her to a giant 30-foot saltwater crocodile. Note: that is a joke, the croc appears on his own accord and willingly  eats her. Thankfully, Jeremy was passed out and didn't have to witness the ferocious attack. But for budgetary reasons, neither did the audience.

The croc, which is called a "salty," named for its highly concentrated semen, also eats Lemmia's parents, which were callously mentioned in previous paragraphs as "inconsequential" and sinks their rickety old boat. Stranded without a boat, the surfers and crew begin walk somewhere and are headed off by a gang of Filipino pirates. Unlike most Filipino pirates, these guys don't use camcorders to tape movies then sell them for $.50. These are actual pirates. They prove their pirating worth when they attempt to rape Cecily but are thrwarted at the last second as the salty leaps 20 feet out of the water an accurately eats the sexual predator. The pirates' ship is also sunk but their leader Johnny Damon escapes to rape another day.

After having blown through 2 boats already, the blodsurfers seek to make it a trifecta by finagling their way onto Captain John and Arty's skiff. We learn a little about the history of the croc from Arty, so little that I don't remember it. Always trying to earn a buck, the producer Zack hatches a brilliant plan to capture the unstoppable 30-foot croc. The plan goes awry and yet another boat is left to become an artificial reef. Meanwhile in the hurry to escape, Zack grabbed a surfboard and swam right into the salty's waiting mouth. The survivors decide to lure the salty to alkaline water in the center of the island, a concept that frankly doesn't hold water. According to their plan, the salty will die immediately. But it's still just water, clearly it's not too strong or it wouldn't be water, it'd be just chemicals.

The girls and guys split up. The guys have little trouble getting to the pond, except that one of them dies. But since girls are fucking undependable, they attract the attention of Johnny Damon, whose natural instincts- since he is not white-  are to rape them.They foil his plan by making him trip one of his own booby-traps. Once the "idiot" is disposed of the salty takes the bait and begins following the women to the alkaline pond. At one point they act like they are going to show him their boobs but don't, laughing in stupid girl-fashion that they just "croc-teased" him. On a more serious note, cock-teasing is about the worst thing a lady can do to a guy and it's nothing to joke about.

Eventually they make it to the pond, but the salty senses something is wrong and respectfully declines their repeated invitations for him to take a swim. So the sole surviving bloodsurfer (who I'm not naming, A) to not ruin the surprise for viewers, and B)  because I don't remember which one it is)  tricks to salty to run after him with complete disregard for where they are going. Right before they reach a cliff, the surfer grabs a vine and swings across and the croc remarkably leaps a 50-foot gap like Keanu in the Matrix--just kidding, he dies like the last worm in "Tremors."

As the credits role, one must wonder where the salty came from, are there others, and are they going to make 18 sequels like they did with "Tremors" and "Jaws"? These questions aren't solved, but it's clear there is one answer: "Blood Surf." "Blood Surf" is the answer.

Note: This movie is also referred to online as "Krocodylus."
Our system would be a fucking sham if the Best Picture winner didn't get FOUR Keanus. But it does, meaning the system works and man has seen fit to create a ridiculous film with chop-shop special effects, underage nudity and awe-inspiring action sequences with half-ass explainations.
Reviewed by Merlin
QUOTES:

"I guess that's what you call croc-teasing."

"Dude, that's gotta suck!"
(after someone gets eaten by the salty)