Summary: After last week's debacle with BloodGnome and Hammerhead, Keanu stormed into my office and threatened to quit.  I poured him a stiff drink, and together we watched Boa vs. Python. Seeing giant snakes fight for the fate of the human race really put things into perspective for Keanu, and he agreed to stay.

Granted, the premise of the movie is utterly retarded.  A monstrous python escapes his holding enclosure enroute to a poaching tournament of the world's best hunters.  The FBI enlists the help of a snakeologist who has been raising a giant boa of equally large proportions to help locate and capture the reptile.  Let me clarify this for you.  One big snake gets loose and starts killing people so the American government wants to release another big snake to counteract the first snake in the hope that an all-out snake war will render the first snake harmless and then be able to capture the second snake before that snake makes the same bad decisions of the first snake.  That's like releasing Charles Manson into the wild to help capture Jeffrey Dahmer.  However, like my grandpa always used to say; "Two wrongs don't make a right but two snakes make a kick-ass fight." He was a sweet man when he wasn't drinking.

Now that the plot is set, let us meet our main characters:

Emmett (David Hewlett)-  Our main character/hero/snake bioengineer. A combination of Robin Williams and Quentin Tarantino, only completely different.  He mentioned something about a snake killing his younger sister, I don't really remember; Merlin's cat was distracting me.  The FBI contacted him for the 70 foot long boa he had engineered.  Talk about a penis complex.
Monica (Jaime Bergman)- With breasts like a porn star and acting skills to match, Monica designed the tracking equipment to implant into the boa. She can rub her implants on my boa any day.
Broddick (Adam Kendrick)- Between wrestling matches and boning his girlfriend, Broddick found the time to arrange a poaching tournament of the giant python. 
Eve (Angel Boris)-  See the aforementioned girlfriend above.  She is not really that important of a character but she did get naked so I felt obligated to include her.  She used to be a Playboy Playmate, and once I figure out how to turn my penis into a 70 foot python, I am going to call her. http://www.angelboris.com/


As Emmett and Monica labor diligently to insert the tracking devices into the good boa, the bad python is eating hordes of people throughout the countryside.  The most interesting scene of this carnage has to do with two lovers parked on a deserted country road.  As the boyfriend starts to go down on her, he is swallowed by the python, who proceeds to eat the nasty himself.  This "reptilelingus" goes on for a few moments before the python tires of third base and eats the girl completely.  The python then escapes down into the subway system in the search for a meal that doesn't taste like tuna.    

After the boa has been fitted with his GPS locater, artificial intelligence V-chip, 512 megs of RAM, and a portable microwave, the adventure can begin!  Emmett, Monica, and a group of FBI agents follow the magical beeping computer that is tracking the boa as it seeks the python.  People get eaten one by one as they wisely separate themselves from the group.  Not only do our heroes have to contend with giant snakes, but the appearance of Broddick's poachers certainly muddy the waters a bit as they try and claim their phallic prize.  In a brilliantly designed fight scene that must have been a computer graphic designer's wet dream, the snake's do battle until a subway train comes and lops off the python's head.  Naturally, the boa escapes down the subway tunnel and the computer equipment goes haywire so our heroes can't follow it.  Do I smell a sequel?  Is this where they breed the giant mongoose to go after it?




 
Hilarious Quotes:
"This is big... and big is good." (FBI agent when he sees the giant boa)

"I hope you fucking choke on me, bitch." (said by Broddick as he is being eaten alive, silly but awesome)
Rating:
3 Keanus: One for the boa, one for the python, and one for my chances of getting lucky with Angel Boris.
Reviewed by Maverick