Summary: Written and directed by women, one would assume that this movie would be a mindless enema of a film, similar to Pride & Prejudice or anything with Jeff Goldblum. And it was. But there was a refreshing amount of nudity and violence to offset the lacking storyline and to keep my pants tight throughout the movie. I had to keep my legs crossed the whole time so Merlin wouldn't notice. The movie begins like most of my dates, on a dark and desolate highway in the middle of the night. Two girls encounter a wrecked car in the middle of the road, and they rush to the driver's aid, which is never a good idea. One girl refuses to remove her sunglasses and walks with a silly limp, causing me and Merlin to tease her mercilessly. Then she turns around and we realize she is blind. It was a brutal reminder that we are both going to hell. Long story short, when the girls get back in the car they are attacked by a greenish alien in the back seat. Meanwhile, Matt is the mediocre basketball superstar at a local generic high school playing in the championship game. He gets tackled on the court (come on ref where's the foul?!) and his teammates get in a fight with the other team over it. Basically, everybody gets hurt and they are transported to the hospital of my dreams, where all the candy stripers are hot and loose. One of the girls from the earlier car accident is shipped into the hospital on a stretcher. She whispers to a candystriper that she wants her to kiss her and so she does. All of a sudden, a green worm bursts from the sick girl into the candystriper, killing my boner so fast it hurt. Evidently this is how the alien transfers itself, by turning into a giant pickle and ramming itself down girls' throats. The possessed candystriper seduces a doctor and starts to ride him in an empty room. As she is grinding her hips and moaning, she starts to kiss him and wraps his face with spiderwebs. Strange, yet oddly arousing. I don't know what this is meant to accomplish, but it renders the doctor unconscious and infects him with an incurable virus. The candystriper is none other than Playboy Playmate of the Month, May 1998 issue - Deanna Brooks. Her mother should be proud. Throughout the hospital, the candystripers have all been turned into aliens and are quickly infecting the patients and staff. The basketball star from above gets a quick handjob by Deanna Brooks (lucky bastard) but a nurse interupts it mid-coitus. Matt's teammate and hospital roommate, Joey, is not so lucky and gets partly infected while getting some jungle fever from a black alien candystriper. The whole hospital gets quarantined to stop the spread of the spiderweb sex virus. Everyone who is infected has a sudden urge to eat sugar all the time, kind of like a diabetic's wet dream. The only people who know what's going on are Matt, his girlfriend Krystal, Joey, his tomboy sister Tammy (who is in love with Matt), and another nameless friend. Let's call him Kirby. The group tries to escape through the basement because we all know that aliens despise basements. Unfortunately, this common misconception proved disastrous for our heroic crew of misfits and Kirby is eaten by a big alien hiding in a box. Dammit Kirby, I told you not to look in that box. Turns out these aliens have populated the basement and are breeding like Mormon bunnies and there is no stopping them. Just when it looks like all is lost, Tammy stabs an alien with an insulin pen. The alien explodes in a magnificent display of crappy special effects, and our heroes discover the way to beat the monsters. The group starts stabbing aliens left and right, up and down, backwards and forwards, inside and out. No alien is safe from the onslaught of insulin. Just when it looks like the rest of them are going to make it out alive, Joey is attacked by Deanna Brooks. She fights like a typical feminist and bites off his genitals. You know, I learned something by this movie. We may disagree on politics or religion, on healthcare, education, morality, or other social causes. Some of us may be pro-life and others may be pro-choice. Some favor war while others plead for peace. But no matter what your opinions are - Republican or Democrat, Christian or athiest, Israel or Palestine, Sega or Nintendo, Kobe or Shaq, Pepsi or Coke, Vaseline or K.Y. - please understand that no man should ever have his penis bitten off by an alien. It's in the Declaration of Independence. Merlin and I disagree on many things but this movie really brought us together more than any terrorist attack ever could. Tammy and Krystal end up fighting at the end because Krystal has been turned into an alien and is feeling a little alienated from the rest of the group. Tammy kicks her ass, steals her boyfriend, and saves Earth from total annhilation. |
Rating: |
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2 Keanus in memory of Joey's penis. |
Reviewed by Maverick |
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