Summary: When the credits rolled on this movie, Keanu silently stood up and started the slow clap. Merlin and I quickly joined in, and soon all that could be heard throughout the neighborhood was the sound of applause, a wild and beautiful sound full of emotion and praise, an applause that made the hair on my neck stand up and sent shivers down my spine, tumultuous applause so true and innocent that the angels joined in enthusiastically, a deafening roar of appreciation that could not be stopped or muted until the cops came and arrested us for disturbing the peace. But even they joined in after they realized what our eyes had just seen, for we had become more than mortals when we rented this movie. We had seen the face of God and lived. The point is, this movie was fantastic.
Merlin and I have been movie critics for a long time, especially when it comes to horror. We have seen killers of all shapes and sizes, including but not limited to: aliens, sharks, rats, monkeys, fish, leeches, cars, motorcycles, dinosaurs, viruses, snowmen, clowns, dolls, ice cream men, dentists, gingerbread men, zombies, snakes, mosquitoes, blood gnomes, leprechauns, trolls, Santa, and even chupacabras. We are pretty experienced when it comes to analyzing crappy villains (and corrupting high school girls). However, neither of us could have imagined what lay waiting on the shelf at Blockbuster that fateful night so long ago (last Thursday). That night I had to change my underwear three times, and that was just during the opening credits! You see, we had entered the world of the newest and most obscure crappy movie villain ever: The Tasmanian Devil.
A scientist is doing experiments to a lab animal (boring) when two crazy environmentalists “rescue” the animal (typical and stupid). The scientist’s son is off making a movie in a cemetery with a naked girl and three stoners (mildly interesting). The two environmentalists stop the truck they are driving and check on their hijacked cargo, and are promptly eaten (PETA, you never cease to amaze me). The animal escapes into the cemetery and that’s when we learn that it is a killer Tasmanian Devil (fucking awesome) and that the scientist and son used to own it as a pet until it killed the mother in a Tasmanian frenzy (sweet baby jesus, I’m in heaven). I had to slap Keanu across the face at this point because he went into an epileptic seizure of sheer joy.
The Tasmanian Devil (which not so ironically is dubbed “Precious” for its laidback personality and gentle touch) has been genetically, hormonally, and cosmetically altered for one reason or another. The animal has decided to use his new powers for evil instead of good, because let’s face it, sinners have way more fun. The animal hides in the caves underneath the cemetery (does anybody else have a problem with that, where do the bodies go?) and pops out on occasion to massacre unsuspecting victims including an innocent jogger, two druggies, much of the movie cast, and a slew of other random and insignificant characters. One massacre involves the aforementioned naked girl and one of the stoners. They are preparing to make a porno in the cemetary (hot!) when the stoner suddenly gets the urge to wee. As I scream at him and call him a pussy, he puts the sex on hold and proceeds to piss on the Tasmanian Devil, who was hiding in the bushes. The animal does exactly what I would do if somebody peed on me: kicked his fucking ass and murdered the naked chick just for the hell of it.
The best attack scene involved a female bicyclist who was just walking her bike, minding her own business. All of a sudden, the animal swoops down and steals the bike from her! Just like a Mexican! As she is standing there looking confused, Precious circles around and kills her. Hooray!
The movie was rich with blood and gore, allowing Merlin and me to bet on how many body parts would fly across the screen in any given death scene. I think that more limbs were catapulted across the set than there were characters in the movie, causing me to believe that the director found a box of human arms and legs in an alley one day, and was trying to get as much use out of them as possible before he had to give them back.
During attack sequences, the animal swaggered around like it had just gotten a hold of grandpa’s whiskey, stumbling and groping blindly until it severed the life out of anyone in the vicinity. When used properly, the rubber costume is much more entertaining than computer-generated graphics, because somebody has to be wearing that costume and you know it has to be hot in there. Also, it’s almost guaranteed that the other characters play practical jokes on the rubber suit guy, like tripping him constantly or farting in his mask before a big scene.
This beautiful sonata of a movie culminates in a final battle between the beast and the two former owners in a cemetery tunnel. The scientist sets the magnificent creature on fire, sending it to its death in a cemetery. How appropriate. The last scene is of two tiny little Tasmanian devil babies that obviously will grow up to be just like their mama, or more accurately, a fat guy in a rubber Tasmanian devil suit.
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