Summary: Ok so I got a little behind on writing my reviews this week as my esteemed crappy movie partner has been quick to point out. (Suck a dick Merlin) But I am back with a special treat for y'all today. The monkeys that run Hollywood have discovered the next big craze in horror movies and are milking it for all it's worth. Yes my friends, the chupacabra is making it's first cameo here on our crappy movie website and he would like to thank you all for coming out tonight. (But please no flash photography, he has sensitive eyes.) What is a chupacabra you ask? If I knew than I would tell you. But I don't so I will make it up. A chupacabra is a lot like Merlin. He is a vile creature, standing on two legs, with dripping fangs and scaly flesh, with the speed of a cheetah and the temperament of Rosie O'Donnell. He is impervious to bullets and loves to kill for the sake of killing, kind of like us Americans. In short, a chupacabra is awesome. (A real definition can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chupacabra if you need more clarification.) In our current movie, Chupacabra Terror, we find Dr. Pena Colada, a crazy scientist who is intent on proving the existence of this mythical and majestic beast. He discovers the animal in some godforsaken land (I think it was Mexico) and captures the creature in a net, meanwhile losing many locals in the process. He giggles to himself and puts the animal in a big box with a faulty locking mechanism and he spray paints "Do Not Open: Deadly Chupacabra Inside" on the outside. He then gets on a cruise ship and puts his big box in the Chupacabra storage section of the boat. The captain of this ship is the one and only John Rhys-Davis who plays Gimli in the Lord of the Rings series. The sad thing is, Chupacabra Terror came out in 2005, a full two years after the last Lord of the Rings movie. Gimli, what did you do with the royalties from those movies? Are you really that hard-up for cash? You helped defeat Saruman for Christ's sake, show some pride. The other characters include: Lance: a security officer who has been hired for the cruise but poses as an insurance salesman, which is even worse than posing as a Chupacabra. Jenny: Captain Gimli's daughter, whose acting career boasts many roles as "Blond Girl" or "Waitress" in the credits. Rick: A cross dressing thief that I would love to hit in the face with a brick. (not because he is gay, but because is annoyingly gay, a lethal combination) Mrs. Voorhees: The token high maintenance old woman on the cruise ship who feeds her foo-foo dog spritzer from expensive China. Miscellaneous and expendable crew: self explanatory. Dr. Pena Colada tries to make nice with Jenny Gimli so that he can get to the Chupacabra storage section of the boat and play with his new pet. Captain Gimli and and Lance are adament about not letting anyone but the crew to authorized sections of the boat because they are hunting down a purse thief (Rick, see above). Meanwhile, two crewmembers are dicking around in the Chupacabra section of the boat and they "accidently" release Mr. Chupacabra. He makes quick work of them, splattering copious amounts of blood over the walls and ground. I must say that half of the film's budget was spent on blood and the other half I hope went to the families of Chupacabra victims. The Chupacabra goes on a bloodthirsty feeding frenzy, amazingly without actually eating anything. In fact, the only thing he appeared to eat during the whole movie was Mrs. Voorhees foo-foo dog. I guess they were planning for the sequel, Kippy: The Anorexic Chupacabra. It is appearing on Lifetime sometime in 2007. Anyway, Kippy indiscriminately slaughters left and right, leaving behind a trail of death and chupacabra droppings. Captain Gimli calls the National Guard, who immediately deploys ill-prepared soldiers with plastic guns and bicycle helmets. Kippy disposes of the silly men with their silly toys as Dr. Pena Colada ties up Jenny to use as bait. Kippy escapes the childish trap and manages to kill his captor and Rick as he is trying to steal more money to fund his "dress like a woman" stage. For some reason, Kippy starts to bleed green phospherescent blood even though he has been invincible to bullets the whole damn movie. The captain is trying to get everyone off the ship so they can blow it up. The men are yelling and the woman are screaming and the babies are crying and the chupacabra is chupacabraing. Then the boat sinks and the movie ends. Deal with it. |
2.5 Keanus to be fed to starving chupacabras everywhere. Help control the death toll: Please remember to have your chupacabra spayed or neutered. |
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Reviewed by Maverick |
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