Summary: Although the title of the movie makes it sound like it's about a dirty hooker's vagina, the movie Death Tunnel is actually about the Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, Kentucky which opened in 1910.  The hospital treated patients for a disease known as the "white plague," otherwise known as "Vanilla Ice Syndrome."   The movie describes how 63,000 patients died from this mysterious disease and their cadavers were carried through a series of underground tunnels below the building.  The massive five-story structure is considered one of the Top Ten Scariest Places on Earth, ranked right up there with black neighborhoods and Elton John's closet.

The tagline of the movie is "5 girls, 5 floors, 5 ghosts"  which is very similar to my own tagline of        "5 girls, 5 rubbers, 5 minutes."  Each girl is blindfolded in a gas mask, locked in a separate room on separate floors, and dressed in a slutty outfit with a different letter painted on each one. Put together in the correct order, the letters spell D.E.A.T.H.  The letters should have spelled out K.I.L.L. M.E. N.O.W., T.H.I.S. M.O.V.I.E. I.S. C.R.A.P.  The girls need to find the key to their blindfolds while a mysterious voice talks to them over a loudpeaker and a camera follows their every move (I liked this movie better the first time when it was called
Saw). 

Earlier in the night, the girls had gone to a college party with the hottest people from school.  All the students in the movie must have attended the University of Wet Dreams;  none of the girls weighed over 110 pounds and they all were all dressed to fuck.  Five lucky? girls were selected by the hottest frat boys at school to be "initiated."  That is how they found themselves in the Waverly Hills Sanitorium in the middle of the night, still tipsy from the alcohol and roofies they had earlier that day.  I guess it was supposed to be a practical joke but it was neither funny nor practical.  An example of a funny practical joke is putting a live lobster in your friend's toilet bowl.  Lobster in toilet = Funny.  No one expects it to be there.  Trust me on this one.   

The girls struggle to free themselves and escape from the rundown hospital.  They are all on different floors so they eventually run into each other as they try to find a way outside.  One girl realizes that it is the frat boy initiation ritual so she is not concerned; in fact, she finds it an opportune time to wash herself in the nasty tuberculosis-infected showers (hooray, titties!)  When the showers start to soak her with reddish orange death spray, she realizes that she has had a severe lapse in judgment.  She starts screaming and her titties bounce up and down.  I liked it.

The other girls meet each other and realize they are not alone.  There are five ghosts living in the abandoned sanitarium, and they are not happy to be featured in this terrible movie.  They do typical ghost stuff like slamming doors and making scary noises.  There is one ghost in a gas mask who pushes a cart up and down the halls and the wheels squeak to let you know he is coming.  He looks like he should be in a Marilyn Manson video.  Another ghost is a little girl with a ball who just wants someone to play with.  I felt that I could relate to her, considering that I am someone with balls who just wants someone to play with them.

The girls start to freak out and become possessed by the ghosts.  One girl jumps off the roof because that was how a nurse killed herself.  Another girl cuts herself up with scissors because that is what happened when a former patient found out she was pregnant.  Meanwhile, I yawn and scratch my aforementioned balls, thinking about how my night could have turned out if I had rented a porno instead. 

There is only one girl and one guy left and they are running through the halls from the gas mask ghost.  Through a bunch of stupid dialogue we discover that the guy is the grandson of the evil doctor who used to do experiments on the patients here.  His grandaddy's ghost makes a guest appearance and he is the best character in the movie.  The two survivors escape, find the Death Tunnel (the only time it is ever shown in the movie) and escape into the bright Kentucky sunshine.  They are all excited and then for some reason the girl freaks out because she realizes she is now infected with the "white plague" and will surely die.  The guy kisses her because he realizes just how attractive a deadly viral infection can be. 

This was the type of movie that was so convoluted and flashback-oriented that I missed most of the movie just trying to keep up with the past.  It finally got to the point that Merlin and I minimized it so we could watch the baseball game on the other half of the TV screen. I have read several reviews praising the movie, and I have come to the conclusion that these reviewers were either the actors themselves or people suffering from a disease known only as "movie retardation syndrome."  The only cure for this terrible disorder is a swift kick to the groin.          
Rating:
1.5 Keanus for me because I had to sit through this movie.  This film just gave me an uncomfortable feeling, similar to the feeling I get when I have to go Number 2 in a public restroom.  You know what I mean.
Reviewed by Maverick