Summary: Come awards season, certain movies create massive buzz around them that excites film goers. But that's for prestigious awards and good movies. "Despiser" is a crappy movie that won a bunch of bullshit website awards. True, it was the promise contained in those awards that made me want to watch "Despiser." But as Mav and I soon found out, those bullshit awards offered the viewer nothing but broken promises.

In terms of crappiness, this movie is way up there with "Blood Gnome." The acting is terrible (not good terrible, regular terrible), the music is farcical, and the story undoubtedly stems from someone going to church while still feeling the after-effects of drugs taken the night before. The only good thing about this movie is the writing, which is so retarded and wordy that you can talk over it without feeling bad.

The lauded Firelight Scream Film Festival awarded this movie highest honors while Shriekfest gave it a nod for best special effects. Awards and festivals like these tarnish the image of awesome events like the Dumpy Awards and Fitchfest.

From the very beginning of this gianormous-mistake-of-a-movie we can sense something is about to go terribly, awfully wrong. The so-called special effects are––what's another word for retarded? It is impossible to describe how bad they truly are. The best way to describe it would be "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" with animatic renders. Animatic renders are the boxy, non-textured stand-ins used in the early process of computer animating to determine movement and interactions.

In the first scene, we meet the most hatable group of heroes ever put on screen: Carl Nimbus, a chubby black man who recites scripture doing his best Sam Jackson in "Pulp Fiction" impression; Fumie Tomasawa, a Jap Kamakazi pilot played by a fat Mexican dude; Charlie Roadtrap, played by some drama major from a crappy liberal arts college utilizing an amateurish British accent; and Jake Tulley, a 20-something who is constantly described as "trouble" by Carl though he doesn't do anything to warrant this reputation. That's age descrimination.

This Ugly A-Team is trapped in Purgatory fighting the Despiser and his shadowmen and ragmen. Everytime a ragman is shown from a distance, it's a crappy 3D model raising the roof. There are usually about 20 little ragmen raising the roof in any given shot. I am led to believe that the actors playing the ragmen are the smartest of the actors involved because their characters have their faces covered. The Despiser and his cronies are doing something bad in Purgatory involving trapping peoples' souls and nuclear stockpiles. In between sobbing I overheard some character say the Despiser is an alien that somehow landed in Purgatory. I may be wrong. I don't care either way.

After the Ugly A-Team defeats a shadowman in the first scene we meet Gordon, the most punchable character to grace the straight-to-video-screen. He is played by Mark Redfield who is a mixture of Kevin Kline and Dave Coulier. Gordon is a graphic designer who quits his job seconds after being fired and as a result loses his crappy house and crappy wife, Maggie. Distraut, Gordon drives in his 3D model car across a 3D bridge and swerves to avoid hitting two 3D models of little girls. Since he died saving someone's life he goes to Purgatory, where he meets the Ugly A-Team.

The Ugly A-Team finds Gordon and explains that he is the chosen one to help them take down the Despiser's empire and free everyone's sould from Purgatory. Unfortunately, Gordon's friend Norm revives him and he is back to the real world. The Ugly A-Team is disappointed and visibly upset and for some reason so is the Despiser. In fact, the Despiser sends a shadowman to Earth to kidnap Maggie to get Gordon to come back to Pergatory. Gordon does this and the showdown is about to begin.

Crappy 3D models and environments and green-screened actors are ravaged by computer-generated bullets and explosions. Pain and loss meets the Ugly A-Team around every corner. Gordon eventually meets the Despiser after much hoopla and Ragman roof-raising. Apparently Gordon is the chosen one because he was in the Navy and knew how to defuse a nuclear arsenal. But then he triggers them all to explode anyways with a grenade and everyone's soul is freed for some reason.

Maggie and Gordon return to the living and Gordon becomes a successful artist, making hands-down the worst paintings I've ever seen in my life. Does anyone know where I can buy the painting or a print of the Ugly A-Team shown at the very end? I want it for reals.
Hilarious Quotes:
"You narrow-minded, uncreative butt-plug!"

"My wife is being held prisoner by a bunch of dead guys in Purgatory."
Rating:
One-half computer-generated Keanu for easily the second worst movie I've ever seen in my life. Is is too obvious to say I despised "Despiser"? Everything about this movie is tailor-made to hate.
Reviewed by Merlin