| Summary: If this website ever becomes big-time, there is a decent possibility that we could actually get quotes from our reviews on the back of movie boxes. This realization occurred to me when I saw that on the back of some movie that some blood-guts.com (or some stupid domain name like that) gave some crappy movie 4 skulls. Is that good? Cuz Keanus are kinda subjective. Anyways, my review quote for “Dog Soldiers” would read: “This movie is pretty uncrappy.”
Again, is this a good thing? I’m not so sure considering the grey area that “Dog Soldiers” falls in. This is not a crappy “Blood Gnome” deal; it’s even more legit than “The Car.” But as many, many Vin Diesel movies have taught us, just because a movie has a high production value and strives not to be crappy doesn’t mean it succeeds at being good. In short, this movie is basically “28 Days Later” with werewolves instead of zombies. I know I do a lot of comparisons between movies in attempts to classify and describe them. But in my defense sometimes this saves time and effort and also fuck you. The similarities are quite noticeable: a low-budget U.K. indie film with no-name actors, they get trapped in a house by the monsters, they run the risk of becoming the monsters if infected, there are a bunch of soldiers involved, and there is a full-moon every 4 weeks, aka the next full-moon will occur 28 days later. We meet the protagonist named Cooper when he refuses the antagonist Capt. Ryan’s fubar order to shoot a dog during training. Next a squad of soldiers, including Cooper and some guy named Spoon, in training in the Scottish wilderness are given the unenviable task of out maneuvering Special Forces. As you can imagine, being Brits they take a lot of tea breaks, bitch constantly, talk about soccer and cuss in nearly unintelligible slang. Suddenly, the squad has a yak dropped on them! They panic and run around crazy, one soldier runs about 18 inches into a tree branch before stopping and realizing he’s impaled. They find and rescue Capt. Ryan who is part of Special Forces during their war games. He has his guts strewn all about. They are chased by silhouettes that appear to be David Lee Roth or perhaps Axl Rose. The soldiers heroically run away and carjack some civilian chick. The chick drives them to her place, where they hole up for the longest night of their nights since their first homoerotic encounter in the barracks. They fight off several waves of attacks, while some die and others apparently begin turning into werewolves. As their numbers dwindle down, they discover the chick is actually a werewolf and all of the werewolves attacking them are her family because, well just because. The whole goddamn movie I was screaming “Oi, find some bloody silver you fucking prats!” They were so stubborn about that, testing out all the ways they couldn’t kill them before trying a silver knife. It works, finally, as Cooper kills Capt. Ryan, who had become a werewolf. This movie has some logical problems that upset me. First of all, one man who is becoming a werewolf sacrifices himself rather than becoming a full-blown werewolf. Wouldn’t you rather live and just deal with being a werewolf one night a month? Also, the werewolves aren’t very effective because if they just injure or infect the soldiers, they would stand to benefit more than killing them because they’d increase their population. Finally, why did the soldiers put so much emphasis on defeating the werewolves that night? Just hold them off until the morning, then you have 27.5 days to kill them as un-combat-trained civilians. The best part is the silly photo gallery during the credits that make the werewolves look very funny. Sorry for the long review. |
| Hilarious Quotes: “I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp.” |
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| Rating: 2 Keanus. This really isn’t a crappy movie, it’s just not a very good one. It’s rather difficult to heckle at times, which makes it drag. I apologize to “Dog Soldiers” for linking werewolves to “Blood Gnome.” |
| Reviewed by Merlin |
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