| Summary: This movie had the potential to rock the crappy movie community off its foundations. Casper Van Dien, Coolio, and Playboy Playmate Erika Eleniak all in one movie.....It was like I had died and gone to a crappy version of heaven. Look at the movie cover for fuck's sake! Genius! My pulse was racing as I sat down and pushed the Power button on the DVD player. 86 minutes later I sighed and wiped the single tear that had escaped down my cheek. Then, I threw up a little bit in my mouth. The movie starts with a short clip of an old starship captain holding a cross and frantically counting down a detonation sequence. The detonation is aborted at the last second and the old man throws his wrinkly arms into the air and screams in frustration and despair. One hundred years later (3000 A.D.), a salvage ship on a routine interstellar mission comes across the empty shell of the starship. The crew of the new shuttle boards the old ship to use its bathroom and see what kind of food they had on board. Our stalwart crew of galactic travelers consists of Captain Casper Van Dien Van Helsing, the professor, two hot chicks, a rhino of a black man, and the one and only Coolio. It's almost like a fucked-up homoerotic version of the Gilligan's Island crew a thousand years in the future. They share a few moments of racist and sexual banter and Coolio takes a few hits off the bong. Note to self: One thousand years in the future, bongs look exactly the same, and so does Coolio. The crew stumbles upon an old skeleton who has somehow tied himself to a chair. (Note to self: This is harder to do than it sounds). They agree that this is pretty strange, but they are too busy acting in a cheesy vampire movie to investigate. The group wisely splits up, and Coolio and the Black Rhino stumble upon a room filled with black coffins. Coolio gets excited because he is sure that drugs are hidden in the coffins because as everybody knows, corpses love to get high. After stomping on a few and discovering only sand, Coolio bitches a little bit and then realizes that he can't act so he shuts up. Several mindnumbing minutes later, the crew hears shrieks of terror coming from the Coffin Room. Coolio is lying unconscious on the floor in the fetal position, which is just how I like my women. It turns out his leg has been broken and they take him to another room so they can rub it back to health. This is when the shitstorm really starts. Coolio has been turned into a bloodthirsy rapping vampire of funk and he's taking no prisoners. As our crew runs around aimlessly trying to avoid Coolio's terrible acting, one of the girls meets the main vampire from Planet Transylvania, who had been a stowaway in one of the coffins. He explains that he is the last of his kind and he needs to feed and his name is Orlock and he is a Gemini who loves cats and mystery novels. He also dresses like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He tries to bite the girl and suck her blood, but it turns out she is a robot. I know, it's as retarded as it sounds. After being rejected by the girl, Orlock takes his low self esteem and puts it towards a good cause: Kicking some ass! He picks off the crew one by one, till Black Rhino and Robo-Boobs smash his arm off in a door. They then lock themselves in a room and steer the ship towards sunlight to kill the bastard even though there are no portals on the damn ship. Just when it looks like the two survivors are going to make sweet love the ship explodes and I wet my pants. I have a problem with the following: - The movie is called Dracula 3000, but the main vampire dude's name is Orlock. Fag. - How did vampires get a whole planet to themselves? I can't even afford my own apartment. - How does the professor have a wheelchair made in 1985 when he lives over a thousand years in the future? He looks like my grandmother. He should invest in a sweet ride like Professor Xavier has in X-Men. - The set looks more like a water management building than a spaceship. |
| Hilarious Quotes: "Did I ever tell you how many times I'd see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas... All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite, in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda, and dreamed about your snow-white ass." (Coolio- he took the words right out of my mouth) |
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| Rating: One Keanu. Like Russia's attempts at democracy, Dracula 3000 failed miserably. I wish I could blast back to middle school when Coolio was just a rapper, and I had my whole life ahead of me. Sigh. |
| Reviewed by Maverick |
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