Summary: Do you know what's worse than giant mutant killer fish? A movie about giant mutant killer fish. Our crappy movie starts with a beautiful shot of the Lousiana bayou. (I really don't know if it is in Lousiana or if it is a bayou, but it sounds nice so just go with it). We see a friendly black fisherman pulling up his crab catches, trying to earn an honest living. Right away, the viewer knows that this black guy won't last 5 minutes, because: A) He is black B) He's not Denzel and C) He is on Frankenfish-infested waters! His strange death and decapitated corpse prompt the local government to investigate matters further. Enter Sam Rivers, a medical examiner who looks like Tim Meadows but is less funny, and Mary Callahan, who looks like your average run-of-the-mill inscrutable Asian. After some witty banter, the duo boards a tiny motorboat to assess the scene and interrogate possible witnesses. They discover an alligator who has had his head bitten off and determine that it must have been a sick prank by some kids or something. Whatever happened to egging a house or slashing tires or other harmless pranks like that? I don't know about the rest of you, but when I play a sick prank it doesn't usually involve a killer alligator. But I digress.
Our main characters float on until they come to a bunch of shitty houseboats bobbing on the river. They interview the widow of Thomas P. Blackfisherman and his daughter Eliza as well. While Sam and the daughter make googly eyes at each other and raise the sexual tension a bit, we learn about the other characters that range from a redneck fisherman names Elmer, to a bastard lawyer, to two stoners, to a crazy tatted-up vet. Not that you really needed to know about all these people because they all die. This is one of those movies where the director takes such obvious delight in killing off characters that he must be a serial killer in real life.
Anyway, after learning that a strange boat ran aground downriver, Elmer agrees to take the duo so they can investigate it. They find the doomed vessel and discover that the crew has been massacred. Mary pukes her little Asian brain out over the side of the boat, thus attracting the Frankenfish, so naturally Elmer accidentally falls in and is consumed in a flurry of splashing plastic tail fin and scales. Meanwhile, the boat sends a magical transponder message to some wealthy bounty hunter who is interupted in the middle of a gratuitous blow job. He and some of his lackeys hop on a boat and head over to join in the fun.
Meanwhile, Sam and Mary have returned to the cluster of houseboats to relate the terrible news. The stoners take the bad news to heart and decide to puff away their anxiety with a little reefer. The guy stoner sees something in the water (could it be a Frankenfish? he wonders) and leans his head over the boat to get a better look. Like a prize bass chasing a lure, the majestic Frankenfish leaps into the air and gulps off his head, leaving a bloddy stump. The stoner's wife is soon disposed of as well in an unmemorable fashion as the Frankenfish follows the director's orders and kills the people off one by one. The crazy vet takes a shotgun to the fish and actually kills it on his boat. He rips out the fish's heart, throws it on a grill and takes a bite, mocking the fish's attempts to take over his boat. Of course, another Frankenfish jumps on board, eats him up to his armpits, writes a quick email, knocks over the grill, and lights the boat ablaze. Meanwhile, on a nearby boat, the rest of our allstar cast decide they need to get over to the stoner's boat to see if he had any weapons. Eliza hops into a bucket controlled by a bunch of pulleys between the boats. I haven't seen a black woman ride a bucket like that since (insert your own racist comment here). Mary figures out a plan to get them out, but before she can relate the news, crazy vet's shotgun fires itself from the heat of the burning boat, thus Kurt Cobaining the side of her head. Oh by the way, voodoo black mom gets eaten too.
Meanwhile, the bounty hunters show up and tell everyone that they are hunting the genetically mutated fish because they are awesome. They find the lair and the bounty hunters are devoured by the ultra-Frankenfish, which is ten times the size of the original Frankenfish and about a hundred times hornier. Eliza, Sam, and the bastard lawyer escape on the hunter's boat and somehow convince the fish to jump into the big motor fan, thus crushing the fish and the director's credibilty. The end shows bastard lawyer being eaten by tiny Franken-tadpoles, while Sam and Eliza giggle and splash each other about 100 yards away. End scene for God's sake.
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