Summary: This movie had the potential to earn Keanu's highest honors. An uncharted island, an evil mad scientist who refuses to remove his sunglasses, an allstar Russian cast, a blobby shark man with severe bloodlust....... how could this movie fail, right? However, like a swift kick to the scrotum, Hammerhead shattered my dreams and left me gasping on the cold linoleum. I held Keanu for hours last night after we watched it but I couldn't get him to stop crying.
A mad scientist somehow secures himself an uncharted island to perform his experiments on cancer research. This must have been an uncharted island off the coast of Russia because the whole damn cast was from the motherland; every other name was Boris or Ivan or some other commie nonsense. The mad scientist mixed hammerhead shark DNA with his dying son's DNA to find a way to beat the malignant cancer that was claiming his life. Mind you, the viewer never saw this process or ever got a good look at the shark himself. Instead we had to rely on the rantings of our scientist friend as he sacrificed woman after woman in an attempt to sexually please Shark Boy, who unfortunately prefers eating women to doing them. I have the same problem.
Meanwhile, a research group arrives to the island to see what the scientist has been able to accomplish. After spouting some verbal diarrhea about shark genome and gene splicing, the scientist locks the newcomers in the room to show them his creation firsthand. The Russian guards open fire in the glass room, proving once and for all why they lost the Cold War: no common sense and tiny penises. The bullets shatter the glass, releasing Shark Boy from his aquarium. The group escapes through an air vent and runs into the forest. Meanwhile, the scientist cackles to himself and twirls his little mustache.
At this point, our protagonist group is royally screwed. Not only is a walking shark/man stalking them, but they also have to outmaneuver helicopters with missile launchers and fidgity Russians with magical never-run-out-of-bullets machine guns. The main guy (I forget his name, but let's call him Chuck) manages to get them to a helicopter by heroically shooting unaware people in the back before they can turn around. But it must be a Russian helicopter because once they get in it blows up. They are all knocked unconscious and captured, except for Chuck, because he is sneaky like a jungle cat.
When the main chick (I purposefully forgot her name, so let's call her Chesty LaRue) wakes up, she is tied to a table. The scientist gives Chesty about a hundred unnecessary injections while calmly explaining that he is going to let Shark Boy hump the shit out of her. But naturally, his diabolical plans run awry, which tends to happen when you keep a killer shark man in 2 feet of water in the middle of a room. His son, his own flesh and blood (and dorsal fin and gills and razor sharp teeth), eats him to prove once and for all that sharks refuse to make love on an empty stomach. Of course, Chuck bursts through the door and heroically shoots the last guard in the back like he is so fond of doing. Of course, he sprays Shark Boy with Windex until his head explodes. Of course, I was ashamed to be watching this movie. I feel like I have let Keanu down.
During the attack sequences, the cameraman was suddenly afflicted with random bouts of ADD so that the viewer was unable to ascertain what was happening. No where in the movie did I see the following pictures, which is why I rented the movie in the first place. If you don't find the following pictures at least remotely hilarious, you have no soul.
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